ME AND MY BIG MOUTH, -“THIS REMOTE DONE FUUUCK ME UP!!!!!!”

Emma rushes frantically to the Form Masters desk with Sasuke hot on her heels

Emma- ‘Excuse me Sir; I want to report Sasuke to you’

Form Teacher- Yes! What is the problem?

(At this juncture my mind is racing like a ram waiting to be slaughtered. “Chei this babe wan summarize me for this wicked teacher’)

Emma- ‘Sir, Sasuke came to my desk and told me he loves me’

Form Master- (already stretching for his cane) Sasuke! Is that true?

Sasuke- (Na die I dey today which kind parus be dis one?) No Sir, I mean Yes Sir, Ehm…. I was actually preaching to her Sir,

Form Master - ‘You were preaching!’

Sasuke- Yes Sir! I was actually trying to tell her that I love her the way Christ asked us to love our neighbors before she ran out on me.

Form Master- Ehn! Ehn! I see! (Emma was shooting flames at me through her eyes. But wetin I for do now! I was a JSS1 boy telling my classmate what most adults were even scared to say. I gast lie now, if not that wicked form master for peel my yansh)

Form Master- Sasuke I don’t want to see or hear you disturb this young lady again. Do you understand me?

Sasuke- Yes Sir!

Men bloggers, what you just experienced above was my first crush (who wanted to have nothing to do with me for no obvious reasons) reporting my black ass to the form teacher (tough love I guess!) you would not believe me if I told you that Emma and I did not have a meaningful conversation or relationship till we both found ourselves in the same class in SS1 (that was four years after). NOW THE STORY BEGINS!!!

Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!

Sasuke- who be that person wey they call me now! Which kin……. (Men the sentence hook mid way when I discovered it was Emma and did I forget to mention that she is of dual nationality “half caste”)

Emma- Sasuke! I have been trying to get your attention for a while now.

Sasuke- Hi! Emma sorry I didn’t hear you (my heart was pounding like yam in a mortar)

Emma- Sasuke please did you bring the cartoon? You promised you’d bring it today

Sasuke- Crap! I forgot (me and my big head, how I go forget that kin thing? Shit!)

Emma- ‘its ok, you could bring it to my place if you are not doing anything tomorrow’

Sasuke- Yeah! Emma tomorrow would be fine by me (OPE’ OH! Talking about hitting jackpot, cinching!!!)

Emma- here is my address. See you tomorrow then. Bye

Sasuke- Bye….. (EWWWUUUUU!!…… my own done better, Ehn! for this town, them they crase, who say im no go beta 4 me the thing no go beta for am) I was in pure ecstasy; Emma had just made my whole year. I remember getting home and really putting a show for my sister

Sasuke- ‘men sis, Emma asked me to come to her place tomorrow.

Big Sis- REALLY!!! Good for you oh! Sha don’t disappoint me.

When I woke up the next day I noticed there was something different about the whole atmosphere (Na so so Scent, scent, scent the whole place just they scent). God had definitely made this day for me.

I got to Emma’s house feeling real fly as i punched the door bell

Life saver- WHO IS THERE!!! (You would soon know why I chose to call this person life saver. And life saver just happens to be Emma’s cousin)

Sasuke- Life saver it’s Sasuke. Is Emma at home?

Life Saver- ‘I am coming jare!

Life saver- Hello Sasuke! How are you doing? Emma is upstairs by the way.

Sasuke- Thanks man, I am doing great by the way. (I make my way up the stairs to the parlor and there she is watching T.V)

Emma- Hi Sasuke! (She even gives me a hug, can you imagine!) How are you doing?

Sasuke – Fine thank you Emma. (She offers me some refreshments and we even engage in some small talk. After talking for some time we decide to focus on the movie showing on the Hallmark channel (DSTV) ‘Men! Was it boring” I couldn’t stand the boring channel again and decided to suggest another channel. Little did I know I was about to make one of the greatest mistakes of my life.

Sasuke-‘Emma! Sorry to disturb you, but do you mind changing the channel please’ (Bloggers, I no go lie una I regret the repercussion of that honest request)

Emma- Sure! (Passing me the remote control)

As the remote land my hand like this na im katakata burst oh! First and foremost the coloration, structurization and configurization of the remote first destabilize my central processing unit (CHEI!! THIS REMOTE DONE FUCK ME UP!!!). I was confused and the origin of the confusion was stemming from the fact that we didn’t have a DSTV in my house at that time.

Bloggers, come and see me looking and sweating like a rat that just ate poison, (NA DIE I DEY! I wan just expose my bushness for this babe!) I held that DSTV remote for 2mins but it seemed like an hour (I no wan go press one button make the thing come go explode, which kind wahala be this?).

Just as I was about passing out from the embarrassment, God sent me an angel

Life saver- Emma you and this Hallmark channel don’t you get tired of it? Please I want to watch something else (I quickly offered him the remote)

My people na so God take save me oh! But whenever I dey watch T.V for house and I see that remote I can’t help but remember when the useless thing almost made me shit on myself……Tekinology

SASUKE