ME AND MY BIG MOUTH, -“THIS REMOTE DONE FUUUCK ME UP!!!!!!”

Emma rushes frantically to the Form Masters desk with Sasuke hot on her heels

Emma- ‘Excuse me Sir; I want to report Sasuke to you’

Form Teacher- Yes! What is the problem?

(At this juncture my mind is racing like a ram waiting to be slaughtered. “Chei this babe wan summarize me for this wicked teacher’)

Emma- ‘Sir, Sasuke came to my desk and told me he loves me’

Form Master- (already stretching for his cane) Sasuke! Is that true?

Sasuke- (Na die I dey today which kind parus be dis one?) No Sir, I mean Yes Sir, Ehm…. I was actually preaching to her Sir,

Form Master - ‘You were preaching!’

Sasuke- Yes Sir! I was actually trying to tell her that I love her the way Christ asked us to love our neighbors before she ran out on me.

Form Master- Ehn! Ehn! I see! (Emma was shooting flames at me through her eyes. But wetin I for do now! I was a JSS1 boy telling my classmate what most adults were even scared to say. I gast lie now, if not that wicked form master for peel my yansh)

Form Master- Sasuke I don’t want to see or hear you disturb this young lady again. Do you understand me?

Sasuke- Yes Sir!

Men bloggers, what you just experienced above was my first crush (who wanted to have nothing to do with me for no obvious reasons) reporting my black ass to the form teacher (tough love I guess!) you would not believe me if I told you that Emma and I did not have a meaningful conversation or relationship till we both found ourselves in the same class in SS1 (that was four years after). NOW THE STORY BEGINS!!!

Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!

Sasuke- who be that person wey they call me now! Which kin……. (Men the sentence hook mid way when I discovered it was Emma and did I forget to mention that she is of dual nationality “half caste”)

Emma- Sasuke! I have been trying to get your attention for a while now.

Sasuke- Hi! Emma sorry I didn’t hear you (my heart was pounding like yam in a mortar)

Emma- Sasuke please did you bring the cartoon? You promised you’d bring it today

Sasuke- Crap! I forgot (me and my big head, how I go forget that kin thing? Shit!)

Emma- ‘its ok, you could bring it to my place if you are not doing anything tomorrow’

Sasuke- Yeah! Emma tomorrow would be fine by me (OPE’ OH! Talking about hitting jackpot, cinching!!!)

Emma- here is my address. See you tomorrow then. Bye

Sasuke- Bye….. (EWWWUUUUU!!…… my own done better, Ehn! for this town, them they crase, who say im no go beta 4 me the thing no go beta for am) I was in pure ecstasy; Emma had just made my whole year. I remember getting home and really putting a show for my sister

Sasuke- ‘men sis, Emma asked me to come to her place tomorrow.

Big Sis- REALLY!!! Good for you oh! Sha don’t disappoint me.

When I woke up the next day I noticed there was something different about the whole atmosphere (Na so so Scent, scent, scent the whole place just they scent). God had definitely made this day for me.

I got to Emma’s house feeling real fly as i punched the door bell

Life saver- WHO IS THERE!!! (You would soon know why I chose to call this person life saver. And life saver just happens to be Emma’s cousin)

Sasuke- Life saver it’s Sasuke. Is Emma at home?

Life Saver- ‘I am coming jare!

Life saver- Hello Sasuke! How are you doing? Emma is upstairs by the way.

Sasuke- Thanks man, I am doing great by the way. (I make my way up the stairs to the parlor and there she is watching T.V)

Emma- Hi Sasuke! (She even gives me a hug, can you imagine!) How are you doing?

Sasuke – Fine thank you Emma. (She offers me some refreshments and we even engage in some small talk. After talking for some time we decide to focus on the movie showing on the Hallmark channel (DSTV) ‘Men! Was it boring” I couldn’t stand the boring channel again and decided to suggest another channel. Little did I know I was about to make one of the greatest mistakes of my life.

Sasuke-‘Emma! Sorry to disturb you, but do you mind changing the channel please’ (Bloggers, I no go lie una I regret the repercussion of that honest request)

Emma- Sure! (Passing me the remote control)

As the remote land my hand like this na im katakata burst oh! First and foremost the coloration, structurization and configurization of the remote first destabilize my central processing unit (CHEI!! THIS REMOTE DONE FUCK ME UP!!!). I was confused and the origin of the confusion was stemming from the fact that we didn’t have a DSTV in my house at that time.

Bloggers, come and see me looking and sweating like a rat that just ate poison, (NA DIE I DEY! I wan just expose my bushness for this babe!) I held that DSTV remote for 2mins but it seemed like an hour (I no wan go press one button make the thing come go explode, which kind wahala be this?).

Just as I was about passing out from the embarrassment, God sent me an angel

Life saver- Emma you and this Hallmark channel don’t you get tired of it? Please I want to watch something else (I quickly offered him the remote)

My people na so God take save me oh! But whenever I dey watch T.V for house and I see that remote I can’t help but remember when the useless thing almost made me shit on myself……Tekinology

SASUKE

OH SHIT! HE DIDN"T (POPSIE!!!!!!!)

Club Bouncer- Look! Everybody move back, move back. Hey you I say move!

(Four good looking guys in company of a couple of girls make their way towards the entrance of the club only to be halted by the angry looking bouncer)

Club Bouncer- Yes! Obasanjo’s children can I see your I.V’s, if you don’t have it bounce because no time today.

(By the look on the guys’ faces it’s clear to the overzealous bouncer that they are apparently not with their i.v’s)

Club Bouncer –Ok! Oshofree no time for here make una they waka abeg, Next!

(one of the boys sensing the tension whips out his communicator punches in a set of numbers and starts to converse with an unknown person slowing making his way back to the car)

Sharp Boy- Belucci how far it’s Ayo speaking we are at club dydx……Serious! I thought as much…. Ok would be there in a few. (Turning to his Friends) Sorry about that guys I think we got the wrong club. Just called a friend and was able to get the correct venue.

They later hit the alleged correct venue and had a very nice time (if only the girls knew that the placed phone call was to nobody in particular but was done to save the guys the embarrassment of being bounced)

Now, that creative embarrassment averter is what I call a buzzer beater. Some people like my cousin (Ayo) are very good at managing seemingly embarrassing situations while others like (yours truly) just bow their heads and pray for the floor to open up and swallow them. I have been in quite a number of embarrassing situations but none as embarrassing as that which I want to tell you.

It so happened that I had my secondary education in a school owned by my Dad. Lucky! I honestly don’t think so; you see, I have a father who likes giving examples with his children (positive or negative)

Mr. Brown- Can you imagine! Mr. Sasuke, they caught my child sneaking out of school yesterday

Mr. Uchiha- Oh! Yours was sneaking out; they caught my child Sasuke banging a girl on the school Roof. ROOOOOOF! Mr. Brown, can you imagine, who bangs on the school roof for christ sakes?

Mr. Brown- Sorry Sir I can’t imagine I think I should take my leave now.

Yes, that’s my Dad! (Roof) Whenever, wherever (reminds you of Shakira abi?) he just lets it go without giving the slightest caution.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad he’s seen me through it all, the highs, lows, pain, regrets, disappointment, joy, laughter, success and what’s the last one again Ah! EMBARRASSMENT.Ok Peep this

It was my final year as a senior and we just resumed a term can’t remember which, SS3 men that was the shit because you had it all power, authority, immunity and the babes in both junior and senior school. I wasn’t a prefect or shit but men was I the SHIIIIIITT with another capital T (Psyches aside, I was in high demand, my Folks had endowed me with their good genes and all).

Anyhoos, it was a very beautiful Friday morning and the bell signaling every student to assemble had just been rung, I was dressed in a neat plain white long sleeve shirt with matching blue pants, I could even see a mirror of myself in my shoes (was I or was I looking good). I made my way majestically towards the assembly ground waving at a few fans (chic’s! I had plenty) as I basked in my own royalty.

Praise and worship went on as usual, then the school and national anthems respectively, a few law breakers were brought to book, announcements were taken and just as the principal was about to round up proceedings a message came telling him that the proprietor (Daddy) would be coming around to give a brief Charge.

The Proprietor (daddy) made his way up the fight of stairs to the elevation above. I could hear the murmuring of students as they all stole glances at me to see if I was blushing (of course I was, e easy to be celebrity?) little did I know that I would soon be wishing I had stabbed assembly (damn the devil to hell!!!)

The proprietor cleared his voice and began his speech

Proprietor- I want to welcome all students back from the long holidays, hope you all had a wonderful break?

Students- YES we did (the students replied)

Proprietor- Good, as you can see, changes have been made to your environment to ensure that you have the best in your academic pursuit. We have a new basketball court, renovated the hostels, classrooms and………hmmm that reminds me, (Time bomb counting from 10 secs). I see that you students have not been using the convenience at your disposal optimally. Most of these places have experienced an annoying degree of blockages arising from improper use of toiletries; some students even go as far as using Paper to clean up, this is grossly unacceptable (Time bomb detonating at 5 Secs). In short if I had my way I would ban even the use of tissue. Students should learn to use just water to clean up as it is even more hygienic, that is you get to wash the place well. As a matter of fact in my house :( Timer out….. BLAM….GBOSA….BOOOSSH) Where is Sasuke, Sasuke!

(At this juncture I was comatose, A vegetable, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me as I feared the inevitable. All I could mutter to my self were these words: “OH SHIT, HE DIDN’t”)

Proprietor- WHERE IS MY SON SASUKE!!!!

Sasuke- I am here sir (feebly)

Proprietor- Sasuke! Do we use toiletries at home; is it not those empty bottles of Eva water kept beside our Water closet we use to clean up?

(An SS3 student for Christ sake’s! I could visibly see my reputation thin out, and I still had to answer the darn question)

Sasuke- Yes sir

Proprietor- LOUDER I CAN’T HEAR YOU

Sasuke- (looking like someone who had been caught with his hands down his pants) YES SIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

For the next few weeks my social life was next to zero, I was the laughing stock of both my peers and juniors… What can I say despite that humongous embarrassment I still love my Dad.

Watch out for my next story in this series

Sasuke

English Palava alias GBAGAWN!!!

Men this English way we they speak no be small thing oh! in short the person way make am im Papa or as my Friend go talk am im ancestors.(Translation) The English that we speaks it is not a small thing oh in short the person that makes it his or her Papa or as my friend go talks his or her ancestors. i once had a teacher who said that his own excuse for shelling is because English is actually not his fathers tongue ( what sensible nonsense!) according to the English speaking act of decree 1 sub section 900 under act Thou shall not Ta' Bon (Translation) Thou shall not shoot or speak what is not is, is not was, and is not meant to be. Se fini! ( i never see inside court before talk less of going to law school na trips sha) anyways there is actually a fundamental problem we all face when we speak this lingua franca of ours and that is the problem of shooting or being shot at, which my friends, is very embarrassing. Trust me i have heard it, been there, seen it but never done it ( As a bad guy now i was born with a dictionary). My story takes us back to my secondary school days S.S. ( senior secondary School) fortunately and unfortunately i schooled in an environment with great Pidgin, vernacular and broken English affluence( they even had to break the English imagine!). i introduce you to the great an Ancient city of Benin the first place where people iron pomo or cow hyde straight ( is that what they call it in english? cos you know now pomo is pomo) well i won't deny speaking in fluent English was a major problem then so most folks had to break it down to minute chewable and free flowing sizes so the common man could speak(if you know what i mean).it was even so bad that our then custodians the teachers didn't help matters you would hear such statements as
Teacher- Hey boy i am calling you and you are looking unto the up, common! look unto the down
or
Teacher- That boy run go and run come back

once in a while you had those teachers that wanted to prove their fluency and proficiency actually they were the ones that made the most blunders. in a physics practical class we were having practicals trying to evaluate the role of sound and the apparatus we were using was the tuning fork. my friends and i couldn't seem to get the teachers instruction as to how to manipulate the tool. the man on seeing our backwardness came charging towards us panting, grab the tuning fork,gave it a pull, held the fork to our ears and blurted
Teacher- CAN YOU PERCEIVE THE SOUND!
Physics class was officially over as we laughed so hard he angrily left the class and forever held his peace (as Fluent English was concerned).

Enough of teacher fuck-ups our roles as students in murdering grammar is even more commendable.
one sunny afternoon i decided to join my friends in a little pick up game of soccer, while on the pitch we all decided to (pls note the word) JUGGLE ( pidgin translation is RAISE) the ball and so we took turns i went first did about twenty to thirty kicks, the second person did about the same, the third, the fourth...i grew a little impatience seeing the number of people to juggle before it got to my turn so i decided to pull a fast one by causing a little diversion. i picked the ball and had already started juggling when i felt someone shove me from behind and scream
Clement- Don't allow Sasuke he has already ROSE the ball!
YEEEPARRIPA na die i dey ( as you all no that was 20 minutes of our precious playing time taking by violent laughter).

i once had a simple disagreement with my close friend little did i know that i'ld soon be rolling on all Fours.
Sasuke- we can beat Brazil on a good day after all we also have good quality players in the national team
Owen- how we can never beat Brazil even if they are sleeping they would still beat us crazy
Sasuke-Owen why are you being (note the word to follow) PESSIMISTIC ( little did i no i had done terrible injustice to my friend. EW! so Sorry)
without even settling down to think the appropriate response as you know silence could sometimes be good at situations like this but Owen being the person that he is just had to give me an answer to my supposed rhetoric.
Owen- yes Sasuke i know, i know i am a PEST so you can say what you want to say.
i was practically shedding tears, this pikin no go kill me wetin pessimism gast do with pest? i tire oh.

you know i could go on and on about my travails with this English language but as my hand done they pain me i go continue the gist another day. So, Monday help me tell Tuesday say Wednesday say im go block Thursday for Friday side on Friday for that party on Saturday wey Sunday dey arrange... PHEWWW!! how Fluent was that ! Pidgin simple abeg. see you soon
Yours Sasuke

Who Farted! Sorry who Mess?

Men its so crazy how naive one could be while growing, one seems to be oblivious to the most glaring things. when i look back at those times i can't help but tap my self on the head an say to myself " boy were you daft! gbrrrrrrrr... i cant imagine that once in my life i thought the only benefit of having females around was to pummel them back and forth in a show of male dominance ( i thank my sister for knocking that painfully out of my system) anyways, there was this particular incident that happened when i was in J.S.S2 ( puberty was the order as at then making me know a little next to nothing about the female psyche) .It was lunch break in school and i had just finished my snack and then decided to go chat up a busty babe with a friend of mine called Kelly ( Don't be surprised, back then the Girls were budding grrreeeeaat).
Sasuke- Kelly quick chop abeg make we go follow Cynthia yarn
(stuffing the last morsel of food down his throat he grunts)
Kelly- make we go,she suppose drop small current for boys
(imagine our thinking then, how old where we? we made our way up the flight of stairs heading straight into the class room. with our prey in sight we were Locked,cocked and ready)
Sasuke- sup Cynthia how are you doing(Staring at her face temporary before lowering it down to the goods)
Cynthia- Sasuke, Kelly how are you doing( taping the empty seat beside her)
Kelly and i immediately rushed at the invitation.i was however able to ass wrestle him into picking the seat behind thus taking my spot beside the budding, sorry budded juggernauts
Sasuke- Cynthia can i take a look at your Intro tech note book? (placing my elbows in an advantageous position ,if you grab my drift.)
Cynthia checks her bag and pulls the note out, placing the book between us as she puts her arms behind my chair for her convenience i guess!
i done jam jackpot oh! my elbows are doing over drive now Kelly is frustrated all of a sudden there is this pungent, shattering, gut wrenching, sinuses tickling aroma that perforates the air around us, immediately Cynthia excuses herself immediately she walks out the class room i spin towards Kelly
Sasuke-Kelly why you mess
Kelly- You dey Crase na you mess monkey
Sasuke-Kelly no even think say make you hold am see am you done pursue the girl now
Kelly- Sasuke i no mess oh!
Sasuke -me i no mess too but Kelly you sure?
Kelly- Haba how i go mess no be me
Sasuke -So Kelly if you no mess and i no mess then who come mess?
(oh boy na the very question wey Jam set for their 1996 English paper be that.)
Cynthia walks in looking unruffled and the elbow services continued from the last termination point. the annoying thing about the incidence was that i took a while before Kelly was able to convince me and i him dat we were both victims. in conclusion i would like my fellow bloggers to please help me out of this dilemma by providing an answer to that jam question above.
Yours Sasuke

Just Broken My Nuts

Oh my God! Oh my God! They done let me out, They done call my name, They done read the Four chapters, now am back,B city, i've broken my nut again, Master Hit the switch-Bloggers he's alive
so so for the malpractice intro(a classic if you ask me) well all you Blog lovers its your Boy Sasuke in the building.... Back for the first time, just trying to test the waters see how conducive it feels actually i just joined this synergy through the recommendation of a good friend so hopefully i guess it would be one hell of a ride....i am all about the fun anyways and much of an iconoclast so if you've got it bring it! if you haven't then guess il'd be bringing it 2 u.. e sha mo. Seriously now i do hope all visitors enjoy the necessary satisfaction from my blog, trust me never a dull moment. so all motors running as you get to take a journey through The Labyrinth and also get to see stuff experience things through my minds eyes.
Sasuke