Tuesday, June 17, 2008

NEVER FELT SO STUPID!!



A drought is defined to be a long period of dry weather or any prolonged shortage. Many of us must have experienced a drought in one part of our lives or the other. It could be a drought in our finances, academics, physical fitness, relationship, job and many more. We often feel like a piece of worn out shit during this period as we wonder why the regular just isn’t happening for us and we are just too keen to see that bright colored cloud with a silver lining signaling the end of the drought.

At moments like this we just wish the world could just stand still while we screamed our lungs out. The long and short is that we just feel like a 9inch rod has just been shoved up our arse.

I got a whiff of this drought in my second year at the university. Yours truly experienced a drought and this was no ordinary drought. It was a drought most nightmares were made out of, most especially if you considered yourself a stud (anyone who has seen 40days and 40nights should already have an inkling to what kind of drought I faced but for those slow coaches who still haven’t caught up, well this drought just happened to blow into my sexual life. Hold your horses for a second! No! I wasn’t temporarily impotent neither did I experience any form of bizarre speech flaw when chatting up the ladies, I definitely didn’t loose my taste and touch in women and neither was I under any form of oat not to get screwed till a particular date.

Bloggers the koko is or was that I just wasn’t and couldn’t get anyone to shag. Tough luck! I know.

My session ended on a low note and I made a resolve (unlike my 40 days and 40 nights bud, Josh Hartnet to ‘Chop’ (nak oh sorry screw) at least three different chics before the end of the holidays. (People dey resolve to get money, build house, buy motor but my own na to chop sorry nak sorry screw 3 different chics. Na wa for me oh! but as dat one come be my challenge nko?) anyhoos abeg make una follow me see how this my tori end.

Sasuke- Hello! Skida , wetin dey now?

Skida- Baba I dey oh! how runs now?

Sasuke- Runs tight but that no be why I call you. Skida I get one big katakata

(I guess you all would be wondering why I chose to share my problems with Skida? You see Skida is what I would love to call a woman magnet. He has the knack of surrounding himself with a quality amount of women and most importantly he was the only person that could get me the hell out of my predicament)

Skida-Ehn! Why you come call me?

Sasuke- Skida I never ‘chop’ (not had sex) for the past six months.

Skida- wetin you mean say you never chop? Abi una no get food for house?

Sasuke- Skida stop being sarcastic. Wetin I dey try talk be say I never ‘chop’ woman for the past six months. 'Congi' wan kill me for here all my balls done full throw way.

(Skida bursts out laughing)

Skida- Sasuke you no go kill me. ok! Wetin you wan make I do for you?

Sasuke- Meen Skida no bi laffing matter be this oh! I would love if you could hook me up with one of your numerous girlfriends.

Skida- You done turn me to your personalized pimp abi?

Sasuke- Skida you won’t understand. I am running fucking low on ‘Grags’ (confidence) and I need a boost fast.

Skida- My guy! Ok I understand I go hook you up. lets hook up on Saturday

Sasuke- Skida abeg I don’t want a date oh! no bi the one wey I go dey speak plenty Ngbati-Ngbati. I just want to get back in form

Skida- just come for weekend.

Sasuke- Ok I hear you. I go show for weekend.

I gladly made my way to Skida’s house the following weekend and true to his reputation he had two females in his company. I sized both of them up to decide which would be my quarry for the coming weeks. My eyes settled on the lighter of the two chics. She had a mouth shaped like the top of an apple plus she was coca cola fitted (head banging!). I was so happy to know she was the one Skida was hooking me up with.

Skida- Coke meet my friend Sasuke

Coke- hello!

Sasuke- hi there

Coke and I got our chemistry going instantly (I must say I am very easy to like). We chatted like we had meet for ages. Skida and I decided to take the girls out for a drink to loosing any form of rigidity ( if ya’ll know what I mean nothing like a little alcohol to help keep things in perspective). Before we settled with our drinks I pulled Skida aside for a brief chat.

Sasuke- Nice one Skida. thanks for the 'through pass' (hook up)The girl set die

Skida- anything for my guy. You sha know as we dey do am?

Sasuke- nothing do you jare! But wait oh!

Skida- wetin be that again?

Sasuke- Guy you know say na ‘Chop’ I just wan Chop I no want any relationship steez oh!

Skida- wetin you mean?

Sasuke- what I am trying to ask is, you sure say the girl dey chop? make i know the status before i go 'Te ori si' ( put head inside). because desperate times call for equally desperate measures.

Skida- Yes now! and which one be the desperate times and desperate measures talk abi you wan rape person ?

Sasuke- how now! ok you done chop am before?

Skida- Noooooooooo!

Sasuke- Ok! You know anybody wey done chop am?

Skida – Nooooooooo!

Sasuke- then how the hell you take come know say she dey ‘chop’

Skida- Baba free me jare abi which kind jamb question you come dey ask me? Shey after I give you woman na me go still come give you prick wey you go use take nak am ni ?

Sasuke- no vex now I just wan dey sure.

Skida- guy lets just go inside finish our drinks and then see if we can make it rain on that drought of yours.

We made our way to the bar and ordered very potent brands. Two hours later we made our back to Skida’s pad to go and ‘do the do’. We both entered different rooms with our girls. Before I could say Jack Robinson I was already hearing soundtracks from the room beside my own (bad guy Skida no dey waste time at all). This provided the ambience I needed to lunge my own attack.

Coke and I started kissing and grinding like people that didn’t have good home training. With our lips still locked I had both out shirts off in a jiffy and the thrill of melons rubbing against my bare chest left a furnace in my john. (Chei! I am going to wound someone’s child today). We crashed on the bed with her landing ontop of me. She had a pair of jeans on and so did I. My hands were trailing every nook and cranny of her tight body.

I flipped to my side systematically maneuvering her underneath me. On top and in control I released the clasp of her bra and her breasts poured out in anger at this point the heat coming from my briefs could be compared with that of the sun ( scorching).I engaged her ‘bobi’ sorry breasts immediately. She started yelping (very good sign). Bloggers at this junture una guy done go no bi small.

She held my hands as I reached down to yank off her jeans. (Make this pikin stop this rough play if na joke because I dey harsh for this matter oh! six months no be beans). I made another effort to take off the jeans but this time her hand be like clamp for my wrist (OKOKOKOKO! This babe wan put me for work sha! so this girl wan dey use old man play abi!). The war between my hands and her jeans were on. I started gaining an unfair advantage because of my dogged determination (I never nak for six months now! So how she wan take win the battle? Una for see as I take dey hustle like person wey never nak before.)

All of a sudden she held my face in her hands .

Coke- Wait!

Which kind wait be that abeg no time oh! I wan 'po-po d pa-pa' (cane sorry have sex)

Coke- Sasuke chill! We would do this but I just want to ask you one question?

Sasuke- Ok sure, what is it? (

The question wey this babe ask me had an instant cataclysmic effect on me as I no know the kind answer wey I wan give. Most annoying was the feeling i started to have after the question .

Coke- Sasuke ‘WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO IT?’

WHAAT DA HELL! Bloggers una no see the kind yeye question wey this mosquito dey ask me at this kind do or die hour? The kind bell wey ring for my head no bi small.

I lost all the sun and furnace sensation in my loins instantly. ‘why do I want us to do it’ how I for take answer the question? Maybe one way of answering that question could have been

1) you see my dear I haven’t had sex in the past six months and so I would like if you could just spare me that part of you that gives undeniable pleasure for a couple of minutes so I could get myself together again

2) ehm! After causing so much havoc in my anatomy for the past thirty minutes it would only be ladylike for you to charismatically finish what you have started.

3) You see there is an overwhelming sensation that we men experience in the peak of sex. Some men while experiencing that sensation would scream out ‘I WOULD BUY YOU AEROPLANE OHHHHHHH’ some might say ‘ YEPARIPA OHHHHHHHH!’ others would say ‘ I WOULD GIVE YOU THE WHOLE PLANET EARTHHHHHHHH’ but I would have just said ‘THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME MY FIRST CUM IN SIX MONTHHHHHSSSSSS!

Bloggers never in my life had I felt so stupid. I was fucked despite whatever answer I gave. So the best thing for me to do at that time was to pick up my shirt and work out with my shame. All I could mutter to console my self were these embarrasing words ‘ Why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it? 'why do i want to do it? abeg bloggers if una get answer wey i for fit give the girl abeg make una tell me.



Its your boy Sasuke

46 comments:

schic said...

nice one...but sorry i think i'm asking you the same thing sef...lol..."y did u want to do it?"

Sting said...

Poor sasuke.... make i sorry for u?

Today's ranting said...

lmaoooooooooooooooooo Why do you want us to do it? Answer my question ooooo.You cracked my ribs. E be like say you gat no skills cos if u gud wel wel u for still smoothtalk the babe to make sure sey una continue the wonderful journey you had already embarked on. Poor you she gave you red card. Hope sey u no cry a river sha?

darkelcee said...

lollllll

sasuke u wont kill me.

hope u aint experiencing the drought now sha.lmao!

OluwaDee said...

Lol!
Sasuke, u n all these ur stories.

As u said no matter wt answer u gave u were screwed.

Take cr of u.

Sasuke said...

@s.chic- why you dey put me for work this woman if i know why i wan do am i for conquer the babe that time now!

@sting- thanks alot dear. e no easy...lol

@today's ranting- babe no go wine me oh! well i don't think it was about skills it was more about the girl wanting to prove hard to get plus i no fit come soap myself because i wan nak now! as a big boy. how i go cry but the thing pain me sha..lol

@darkelcee- at all oh! my 'grags' is where i want it to be at this point.Abi you get any through pass for me?...lol

how you dey?

LG said...

buahahahahahahahaha yeye boi,e good for u, buahahahahaha,
i dey come, make i go google d answer for u, wait o

AlooFar said...

Ha!

U won kill person.

Mesef dey run to google ;)

Sabira said...

lol...eyah! poor you, so how did you get over this drought, complete ur story iko

Free-flowing Florida said...

eh ya. but i raise hand 4 dat chick o. kai. i wish dis post dey like 9 years ago. kai, i for scatter every damn tom, dick & harry wey wan score with me! information b power no be small. anyway, i don learn something. i go tell my daughter, 'if d yeye boy wan "put", just ask am y e wan "do". if u tell u nonsense, no gree. but if he pack him bag & baggages, know say na ur mama born u'

Allied said...

Lol....

I am glad you walked out... if u didn't, the girl would have sweared for your life after you had 'popo papa' and u dont call her..

People can't escape those kind of swears.

Sha said...

wasssup sasuke...
i see ure stil cracking our ribs abi..
lol
good job

NaijaBabe said...

Lollllllll babe put you on the spot nicely. kai...

Duchess said...

lol

sauke!

you cracked me up!

poor you

Sasuke said...

@Oluwadee- yes my dear i was screwed to the letter. the annoying thing was that there was no answer i could have thought of that seemed appropriate

@lg-lol abeg if you see the answer for google quick quick let me know.

@Aloofar- you ma self wan go google am too? nothing do you oh i need the answer sharply..lol

@Sabira- i was still able to score a girl during the break but the spot that chic put me on was just too bad. abeg if you self get answer wey u fit give me do let me know...lol

@Free flowing florida- na wa oh! so u self wan dey throw guys dat kind format? thank goodness i didnt post this story 9 yrs ago..lol
about giving your daughther that format, shey you feel say boys no go done catch the scope by then?
you women, una no go wound us..lol

@allied- swear how? i go dodge am if she swear..lol. my walking out was more out of frustration than of fear. but i guess she got what she wanted.

@sha- nothing do me oh!no be my fault say these things always dey happen around me.
how you dey?

@naija babe- the babe see me like that and me myself chop the format nicely...lol

fantasy queen said...

because i love you? lol' that one na wife u for get.
good boy ,good boy sasu for walking away. LMAO.

Smaragd said...

so how did u get ur "grags" back? that's what i want to know Sas.

that qstn is the word version of "between the devil and the deep blue sea" lol!

Obi said...

Na wa for you...
She never said she no wan do...all she wanted was a good reason to do...it doesn't friggin' HAVE to be the truth..!!

Charizard said...

Hahahahahaaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg omg omg!!!

darn!!!!

Original Rhetorical Question!

naijaleta said...

I still dey laff. Wen I laff finsih I go give una the correct answer to dat question. Yee, mio le lerin O.

Afrobabe said...

Lmao…I personally like the first answer..infact you should have told her you were at the point where whoopee Goldberg would look like Halle Berry….lol

ablackjamesbond said...

You for tell am the truth...

lol@ 'I must say I am very easy to like'- now i know why drought wan finish u.

theicequeen said...

*wiping tears from my eyes* chai, my brotha..i feel for you no be small! six months! (see as me i dey tok as if i never beat that record die!)..

and the cick sef..which kin mumu question she dey as you? abi she wan make you propose? personally, i like answer number two! itz only ladylike jo!

that being said..i just lllurv givin people blue balls...its so....fun :D..i wicked small abi?? lol!

Mz. Dee said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!
Mehn i hv stitches!!!!!
Jst followed icequeen'z fb advice and dragged my ass here.
So not regrettin it.
Nna... sorry o.. six months!
I fit sympathize.
Tell the girl itz only ladylike jo. Why she no ask u b4 una start foreplay??
Sumthin dey worry d gel o!
She allowed u go that far, so why she wan stop now??
U for carry engagement ring in case of next time..
Lolz
LURVED dis post

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

sasuke, you want us to feel sorry for you? lol! No way. I think you should commit yourself to celibacy. That way there will be no need to answer such important questions. hahaha.

mizchif said...

OMG!!! Still ROTFLMAO!
Yeee! dat babe is very wicked, how dare she do u such? Can u imagine.
But still i give u hand sha, @ least u didn't rape her, cuz i can imagine that's what some guys may have done in ur place.

But some babes dey worry sha!

BlogVille Idol said...

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NigerianDramaQueen said...

you sef you for tell her one story like because you''want to take it to the next level''..LOL
I know im supposed to be feeling sorry for you but this is too funny!LMAO

NigerianDramaQueen said...

let us know when it rains:-)

Sasuke said...

@fantasy queen- nmy dear you too much jare! it actually occurred to me that what she wanted was some sort of commitment. well unfortunately for her i just wasn't swinging that way.

how was your weekend?

@smaragd- i was still able to floor a chic during the hols which gave a commendable boost to my grags.

how you dey?

@obi- lol na people like you dey put person inside wahala. i knew lying could get me what i wanted but i just wasn't prepared for any form of drama afterwards.

how are you doing?

@charizard- spot on my brother, spot on. a darn rhetorical question indeed.

how are you holding up man?

@naijaleta- abeg do laff finish make you give me answer oh!

hope you had a great weekend?

@afrobabe- LoL na wa for you oh! whoopi goldgerg looking like halle berry? LAWD... i wasn't that desperate plus she wasn't that ugly too.

Hope you had a great weekend?

@ablackjamesbond- lol u gpt me there man. but you yourself would admit a little boast never killed anyone. nothing do me jare.

how you dey man?

@icequeen- lol at the fact that you have even beaten my own drought record. nothing do you.
ehn so you yourself they put poor unsuspecting men for work too abi?

how was your weekend?

@mz.dee- nice having you around dear. carry engagement ring ke? that mean say na like all of the chics wey i done dey with i go done marry. (brilliant idea)
the girl na yeye girl jare she know wetin she dey do.

hope you are aight?

@solomosdeylle- number one mummy why you dey fall your guy hand now? which kind celibacy be that? abi you know wan make i practise my bedmatics for my future wife? lol

Hope you had a swelled weekend?

@mizchif- thank you my brother. raping was out of the question. i never loose reach that one. the thing just teach me small lesson.

hope your weekend was tight?

@nigeriandramaqueen- nothing do you my sister. things dey happen like that.haba it has rained well well no bi small.

hope you had a fantabulous weekend?

Standtall said...

Sasukelet!!! You no score. Well, it's for the best. Keep it for your wife.

Buttercup said...

hahahahaha! poor u! i feel u cos i havnt done it in over a yr, i've been um..re-virginated...lol..

how u doin sha?

Olamild said...

Buhhahahahhhahhahah
no comments

Parakeet said...

She wanted something defined...simple and short. You men these days take women for granted. Just cos she has been cosying up to you all night doesn't mean she's just gonna give herself to you. Learn dat now...no vex my brother, another time, lol

princesa said...

Chei! Sasuks…so e don tey wey u spoil like dis enh?!!
I thought I brought u up well dis boy…

Oya u better come report urself now or…
Lol!

As per that question, I think the babe needed some sort of reassurance say no be only ‘kpanshing’ u want….say u go still dey carry am go Mr Biggs after that day,lol!

rayo said...

u got laid right, end of story!

naijaleta said...

Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke! How many times I call una? No hiding place for you again in my recent post.

Mommy said...

You dey craze...lol..."WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO IT"? hawhawhawhawhahwhhlolololloloool!!

Sorry honey!!

You been tagged!

Mz. Dee said...

sasuke i don tag u for the meme o!!
oya.. report to my blog 4 detailz!

kay-shawn said...

What can I say, your experience is a perfect example of a datingoops!, which is what my blog is all about. I hope you've scored after that.

Enigma said...

'Congi' !!!!!

LMAO big time!! pele gan! that was a super bubble burster! i cant come up with any answer! none!

reminds me of a similar episode that happened to my flatmate at uni.. the girl stopped him after a similar struggle and said "tell me something".."tell me something now!"... he said..."ermmm..give me that thing!"

maybe that would work next time...good luck!

Buttercup said...

hey! u've been tagged (again) by moi!

AlooFar said...

Bros,

Na so Obama yarn. But na ma brain the guy deliver the speech ;)

Ms.O said...

OMG..ama t work right nw my co-workers r looking at me from laughin!!!!...WOW!!! U just made my day!!!

theicequeen said...

LOL! *sruggles to get up from floor after falling of from a mad fit of laughter*

Sasuke youve come again ohhH! lookin like waht viloently WHAT? hahahahahahahaa *wipes tears*

mehn, that chick is not normal oh, blamin photographer for the wowoness of her face...hisss!

that yab no bad at all oh, iv actually asked someone b4..they didnt answer me! grrr

mwanwhiole im stil waiting for your meme!!

ibiluv said...

that babe harsh ooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

just shows you how much of a tease we ladies can be!!!!!!!!!!!!