SKELETON IN THE CLOSET

First and foremost, I want to thank you guys for sending me your heart felt birthday wishes. I really appreciate and I must say, it was a very humbling experience to get messages from people that I only may know through cyberspace but I guess friends are not people only in close proximity but are people that might seem geographically handicap but are always there when you do and don’t need them. You all really impressed me, seeing your comments and all. May God continue to fulfill your needs and may he take you from one stage of glory to another. Nice looking out guys! (Enough of emotional stuff oh! I wonder how many times I have to pull the plug on that)

Perfection

Perfection is phenomenon all humans strive for but for most times, it always seems out of reach. This does not mean perfection is unattainable, what it does mean is that the price for the attainment of perfection is too high for most humans to reach. Call the road to attaining perfection ‘chasing a horizon’. Technically speaking its something we all aspire to get but can’t really get (at least not in this life) so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to most people when they see or hear dirty news about seemingly moral and upright personalities. Who would have taught a loveable person like Owen Wilson could even think of attempting suicide or the Queen mother’s kleptomanic fetish or that a guy seen singing praises in church today could be a heroine addict. The truth is, nobody is perfect and so we should do ourselves the personal favor of not always expecting too much from our fellow humans because they are as fallible and susceptible to changes as we are.

A popular writer once said ‘Do not expect people to behave the way you want them to because you also don’t behave the way you want yourself to’

I guess if we all understand this succinct reality then we would all learn to

1) Take human disappointments in our stride

2) Not be too harsh on ourselves when we fall beneath our own expectations

3) Learn to forgive those who have wronged us

4) Be less judgmental of people in certain situations

5) Be more understanding of the people around us

6) Learn to be patient with people as well as with ourselves

7) Be more objective in our judgments (put yourself in peoples shoes)

8) Learn to be sympathetic to peoples plight (you might not fair so well if the same thing happens to your black ass)

9) Learn to have more faith in our fellow humanity (contradictory but true)

I never even start the main post, I don they yarn like person wey wan build church. But on a serious note make una think am sha, I just think say e go for good if I give una this voodoo make im no be say na so so laff una dey come laff when una visitation my blog. Ok! To the tori of the day.

Bloggers, I bet you all know the way we always look at our parents like saints, role models, mentors and the lot. The truth is, they actually are all this stuff but sometimes they kind of over exaggerate the picture they paint of themselves. One common example is.

Mr Uchiha- Sasuke where is your result?

Sasuke- Here Dad! (Placing the result in his hands)

Mr Uchiha- WHATTTT!!! What the hell is this?

Sasuke- my result Daddy!

Mr.Uchiha- Don’t be stupid! of course I know what the hell it is! C5 in simple English! That’s unacceptable. When I was in school, I was the most brilliant student in the whole school. I used to get all A’s. Go and ask your mother.

Sasuke- But dad, you once told me that you got knocked in the head by your teacher when he asked you what an aeroplane was and you said it was that ‘thing that made voo-voo-voo in the sky’.

Mr. Uchiha- Shaaaarrrrap!!! Must you remember everything I tell you? Now go to your room.

Honestly sometimes I don’t know why our parents bobo us in believing they are an epitome of perfection when in reality they are sometimes just as confused as we are. My friend Baba B also witnessed something similar with his dad. Baba B’s dad had a strong moral principle against drinking alcohol. He would go:

Baba B’s Dad- My son, alcohol is not good, it is a sign of gross irresponsibility and is a habit that should not be associated with any decent individual. As a matter of fact I was the only one among my peers who never drank and that’s why I was able to marry a beautiful woman such as your mother….bla…bla..bla.

Baba b initially swallowed the story hook line and sinker during his adolescent years. He however decided to move on to the dark side shortly after he got into the university. It was a baptism of alcohol; he virtually had tried his hands on everything ranging from spirits to beer. By the close of the semester he was already a steady and adventurous drinker.

During the long holiday he decided to clean up his dad’s room only to stumble on a brand of the intoxicant stashed away in a coded corner of the room. Baba B was Shocked to his wits ‘so this man fit dey code this kind inspiration for here abi! No wahala we go see who sabi code pass’.

Baba B soon started having a coded field day with the alcohol; he would drink from the bottle and return the drink back to the same spot. But little did he know that cat wey keep fish for corner know the quantity wey im keep there. Baba B’s dad somehow discovered that someone had been pilfering from his stash and decided to raise hell.

Baba B’s Dad- Baba B! Baba B! Baba B!

Baba B- Siiirrrrrrr!!!

Baba B’s Dad- Come here! (Swelling profusely)

Baba B- Yes dad

Baba B’s Dad- (Notice the word in italics) Who took ‘the thing’ in my room?

Baba B- Daddy I didn’t take anything from your room.

Baba B’s Dad- You, your mother and I are the only people in this house and I know it definitely isn’t your mother. So Baba B who took ‘that thing’ in my room?

Baba B- What thing daddy?( chei this man hard oh! so im no even fit call the name of the thing wey im leave for room)

Baba B’s Dad- My Friend don’t answer a question with a question, I say WHO TOOK OUT OF THAT THING I KEPT IN MY ROOM!?

Baba B’s mom enters the house to meet the raucous and goes on to inquire the source of the problem

Baba B’s Mom- What is all this noise I am hearing?

Baba B’s Dad- Somebody entered my room and took ‘something’ and I am trying to find who that person is.

Baba B’s Mom- Baba B, did you take anything from your dads room?

Baba B-No ma I didn’t ( Sho! this man harsh oh! well make we dey code dey go)

Baba B’s mom- By the way what is missing maybe I took it by mistake and….

Baba B’s Dad-(Kai! this pikin go pour sand-sand for my garri if i no quick settle this matter) DON”T PLAY ON MY INTELLIGENCE WOMAN!!! What is your business with what is missing? I am telling you Somebody took something in my room and you are here asking me questions…..in short….I don’t have time for this...(Incinerating Baba B with his eyes before Slamming his room door shut)

Baba B’s mom- What is your daddy looking for that he almost wants to break down the house

Baba B- (See problem oh! wetin go make popsie no fit mention wetin im dey find, she na me go come get two head talk am? mumsi no vex oh but) I don’t know oh!

Apparently, Baba B’s Dad had been hiding his drinking fetish from his wife as she would have torn the whole house apart if she had the slightest inclining that the two men under her roof were alcohol patrons. So I guess at the end of the day both men did a good job of keeping the identity of their little something under wraps. Now the thing be say papa done know say pikin don catch im lie-lie and pikin done know say papa done sabi say im dey guzzle. As dem they talk for Benin, “a guy cannot guy a guyman’ so therefore let the 007 continue.

I done go Ibadan for the weekend be that so all my people I wan make una maintain like a plantain on the mountain to sustain enough protein to Spain. Cheers.

Your Boy Sasuke.

BUFFDAY BOY

Sup peoples i wasn't planning to do a post on this day but i guess mommy and a couple of others got through to me. well what can i say,( i am even blushing, feeling like a ten year old) anyways first and foremost i want to thank God almighty for making this day possible and wonderful, a great family who have supported me through different stages of life, my friends and my blogging family. i love you all( i don talk say i no go dey do emotional posts oh! water don dey commot for my eyes...it must not fall..sobbing.....i have to be a man..sob) thanks for the numerous support guys you all are the next thing to better..... Make i come go crrryyyy noooooowwwwww......

its your boy Sasuke

EMMA AND I (CONTD)

My sister had to take one look at my face to know that my black ass had just been given the boots. She immediately started laughing and apologizing instantly.

Big Sis- Ha, Ha, Ha, Ho, Ho, Ha….men Sasuke sorry about that but you look like someone that has just eaten 12 cans of Shark Shit…. So what happened?

Sasuke-She blew me off, that’s what happened. (looking rejected as i walked to my room).

I felt my heart shredding and it hurt really bad, the pain is actually indescribable. It’s almost like you are having an Asthma attack with no Asthma symptoms or feeling a very heavy weight on your chest or having a thousand daggers pierce through your heart. Whichever, the pain was overwhelming as I have never felt such horrendous agony. Nothing seemed to ease the pain. Literarily, I was fucked! with a capital F.

I remember going through the coming weeks and months like a zombie. I listened to hard rap artist like DMX, Bone Thugs, Wu Tang and the lot to nullify the pain ( Neyo know wetin im they talk when im sing so sick). Emma didn’t help issues herself. She avoided me the way day avoids night (somebody screw me sideways!!). It finally took the combined effort of Emma’s family friend Tasha and my Sisters boyfriend Mike to pull me out of the endless pit.

I was back to being myself again. It was the most refreshing feeling I had experienced in a long while and was I relishing it to the fullest. My game stepped up and I scored a couple of girls but something very strange happened along the way that I can’t really explain. Tasha and I started getting involved ( Tasha happens to be Emma’s family friend and what makes matters worse is that the even live under the same roof) but I was past caring somehow simply because;

1) I didn’t give a toss

2) Tasha was a wild and adventurous child and whatever we had could not be described as serious lets just say we were “friends with benefits’

3) Emma had moved on and was in a relationship at that time (so i thought!!)

Tasha and I did a lot of crazy stuff. It almost seemed like we were going out, We where inseparable as we always hung out together. Call us bonnie and Clyde as we were always down for whatever. We would kiss on the corridors, smooch in class rooms and do all sort of raunchy stuff (but we never had sex). Tasha however had this habit of asking me to patch things up with Emma and that she thought I still liked Emma (Her reason for not wanting us to have sex). She would say things like

Tasha- Sasuke I see you and Emma coming back together.

Sasuke-Really! But I don’t. Just drop the subject Tasha (apparently Emma and were having cold war, so I wondered what the heckle jeckle she was talking about)

Tasha- Ok whatever you say.

To my amazement some weeks later I was chilling on the third floor watching from the balcony the activity of some folks when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. Alas! It was Emma. God! She was the most beautiful thing had seen in a while and all I just wanted to do was hold her and tell her how much I had missed talking with her.

Emma- Sasuke hi! Could you spare me some of your time

Sasuke- Sure! Why not? (IL’d spare you the whole day if you want)

Emma- Sasuke I honestly don’t know where and how to start

Sasuke-Ok! the most relevant (my heart was racing like a jet)

Emma- the truth is I know things have been a little bit rough between us lately and it’s basically because of me.

Sasuke-no Emma don’t say that (of course it’s because of you. yeye fine girl, you wey wan make me suffer heart epilepsy at my young age)

Emma- Sasuke, I am really sorry and I wish I could take everything back. I was not being fair with you and that’s because I had some certain issues so I guess your proposal just caught me unawares but I certainly didn’t mean to do you like that. You are a really nice guy Sasuke and I would really love for us to continue from where we stopped.

I was silent taking everything in slowly. My thoughts were flying uncontrollably and I knew all I had to do was answer in the affirmative but its funny how you set your mind to do something and your mouth seems to do the complete opposite (call me Clark Kent). I opened my mouth and you would not believe the words that came out of my big mouth (Damn the Devil to Hell!!!)

Sasuke- I am sorry Emma but I can’t be with you like that. whatever happened between us should be kept in the past but i am very cool with you though, plus its really going to take alot of work to knock you off my favorite girl list. (honestly I don’t know why I said those words maybe it was fear, pride, a certain satisfaction of hurting her back, wanting her so much, anger, resentment, love I don’t know what the fuck it was but I clearly blew my chance of hooking up with my main squeeze and the look on her face was one I can never forget.

Emma- I understand Sasuke so i guess that makes us friends?

Sasuke- (I sure wasn’t going to lose her on this grounds) yeah, sure why not!

Emma- guess I would be seeing you around then?

Sasuke-Yeah

Emma- bye

Sasuke- bye

I watched her take the connecting flight of stairs leading to the exit. I could not believe what I just did and I sure hoped It wont come back to hunt me in any way (so for all ya'll who wanna know if i kissed Emma! guess you have already gotten your answer in block letters, it hurts to admit we didn't but for my dreams sha many, many times). Luckily it didn’t. Emma and I are still good friends till date.

Bloggers You wouldn’t know how happy I am to have finished this post (its making me look soft you know!). Now its time for more funny and hilarious stuff or what do you think?

Your Boy Sasuke

EMMA AND I " Never should have called"

I first laid eyes on Emma in my form 2 (JSS2) she immediately knocked the sparkle out of me. She looked like something out of a high school movie. Boy! Was I ready to be her Steve Urkel She was the most beautiful thing I had set my adolescent eyes on, Emma had this adorable sweet face with a little yet very kissable mouth. It almost seemed like roses and daises were grown around her as she wore this alluring scent plus she had pearly eyes that seemed to sparkle every time she blinked. I must say in my world of fantasies she was my Penelope and I her Odysseus.

With my introduction, I bet you’d be thinking Emma and I hit it off almost immediately; Well sorry to burst your bubbles but things didn’t go exactly like that. You see, Emma and I were more like Clark Kent and Louise Lane, she simple hated every iota of gut I had and made it clear that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me (did I forget to say that she almost got my ass whooped by the form teacher just because I told her I loved her). Honestly I do not know what I must have done to warrant such spite but it was clear to me that all my feelings and affections for Emma were to be bottled and thrown to sea if I was at least to gain some semblance of sanity. So, I had to bid my time in the dark waiting for the right moment to launch a new strategy to get my golden fleece.

Emma and I finally started talking in our form four, how and when it happened I can’t remember but all I know is that things started heating up between us big time, we started hanging out together, talking, hugging and basically doing everything together (apart from kissing and sex of course) you see, what I had for Emma was pure and unadulterated as far as I was concerned things were exactly the way they were supposed to be. There was no disputing the fact that we both knew we might soon be leaving the comfort zone of friendship for something deeper, it was only just a matter of time.

Emma’s name and face was not a stranger in my house as my siblings had taken an obvious liking to her and sometimes even used to tease me about her

Big sis- Sasuke, when are you going to ask out Emma?

Sasuke- men sis I don’t know oh! kinda thinking about doing it though

Big sis- Sasuke you have to know what you want and go for it despite the risks, you can’t always stay in your comfort zone and you are a man oh! Most girls don’t like shy boys.

Sasuke- men sis I wish it was that easy. We even promised to hook up at Leo’s party. I do hope I don’t freeze up.

Big sis- ok Sasuke ild give you a heads up but you have to pop the question yourself

Sasuke –how do you plan to do that?

Big sis – just leave that to me, a girl always has her way you know! But if it’s anything much of a consolation I think Emma likes you.

Sasuke- thanks sis

Leo’s party was banging and having Emma around also gave it an extra bang though she came late. I had a nice time dancing and laughing to the different tunes with Emma. I was not able to see the party to its end as my sis had arrived to pick me up. Just as I was entering the car I heard my sister call out to Emma

Big sis- Emma!

Emma- yes !

Big sis- how are you doing?

Emma- fine thank you

Big sis- hope you don’t mind giving the ladies a little privacy Sasuke. Emma and I have some catching up to do.

I humbly obliged their request and made for the other end of the car park.

Big Sis- Sasuke you can come now!

I gave Emma a goodnight hug and made my way back into the car. Shortly after that, my sis and I were homeward bound

Sasuke- sis what did you say?

Big sis- curiosity killed the cat my dear, be patient ild fill you in

Sasuke- come on sis you are killing me! What did you tell Emma?

Big sis- ok, ok, I told her exactly how you feel about her and how great I think you guys would be together

Sasuke- Have I ever told you how much I love you sis?

Big sis- No bro you haven’t, but hearing it for the first time would be a kick ass

Sasuke- I LOVE YOU SIS (pecking her on the chic in the process)

Big sis- anything for you kiddo so I guess all you have to do is pop the question.

I was so ecstatic that I couldn’t even sleep as all I had in mind was Emma. All I had in mind was popping the million dollar question to my Athena. The D-day came as supposed and I was in the parlor filling my sister with my candy thoughts of Emma when she suggested I call Emma up and handle my business. That idea seemed like the best at that instance but if I had taken my time to look at the time properly I probably would not have gone with that idea but I guess what matters now is that I did go with the idea and was bound to live with the consequences for most of my teenage years. (It was 7am for Christ sakes, talking about teenage oops). I punched in Emma’s digit and it was answered by Emma at the other end (the poor girl had practically been woken by my call and was even still yawning)

Sasuke- hi Emma, how are you doing

Emma- I am doing great Sasuke.

Sasuke- what time did you leave Leo’s party? Yawning like a lion into the mouth piece)

Emma- (laughing) don’t mind me jare I left shortly after you did

Sasuke- ok Emma there is something I want to ask you?

Emma- Sure Sasuke shoot!

Sasuke- Emma, you know I like you a lot? It’s been something I have been meaning to tell you for a while now

Emma- Yeah! Sasuke I know you do

Sasuke- Emma……… I was kind of wondering if you and I could go steady ( lesson number 1 folks Don’t sorry I mean never even if your life depended on it ask a girl out on phone. trust me it hardly turns out right ‘wish I had been told this earlier’) there was silence, for once in my life I actually forgot how to breathe

Sasuke- Emma, are you there?

Emma- No… I mean yes…..No I mean No

Sasuke-Which of the questions are you answering Emma because you have me all confused (and that’s when she said it, it took me a couple of months to function after hearing these words)

Emma- sorry Sasuke I can’t date you, you are like a brother to me

Sasuke- (I screamed in my sub conscious WHAAAAAT!!! Which kin brother be dat, I am here dying of an impending heartbreak and you say I am like a brother to you!) Ok Emma I am sorry I took your time lets just pretend this never happened ok?

Emma-ok

Sasuke- you’d always be my favorite girl you know that don’t you?

Emma-Yes I do

Sasuke- bye

Emma –bye

(Talk about being rejected and having your heart broken on the same day and in the same time space. Yeah! it hurt like a bitch; the line was still alive at the other end for a couple of seconds after which I heard the sound of the inevitable)

Click!!!!

I DIED

Watch out for the concluding story.