CROCODILE TEARS

Bloggers, my sincere apologies for my undue absence from Blogville. The problem was that I had a little challenge with my laptop. The yeye thing just they act like say no be me use money take buy am. Can you imagine! Darkelcee, uzezi, mommy and errbody abeg make una no vex.

Anyways as Dbanj go talk am ‘no long thing, no long thing’. Yeah! I know it’s kinda late but a sincere heartfelt belated Easter greetings to everyone, hope you all had fun during the brief but needed break. My Easter was banging meeeen! I just they jolly and everything as a matter of fact enjoyment too much for me. it got so bad that I couldn’t wait for the holidays to be over. The many,many party, groove, jive, jams, butter, bread, sandwich you know ‘no long thing, no long thing’

People, I had fun really. However, there was a minor dent sorry major dent to my enjoyment spree and that was the loss of Arsenal to Chelsea. I wanna vex die! Which kin parus be this one? After placing a direct call the day before the match to Arsene Wenger and even promising the players an extra bonus if they win the match, ‘fuck shit’ those boys one give me heart attack. As a matter of fact I had to instruct that the whole team should not be fed. No wonder they performed well against Bolton this weekend. What the hell! Who born monkey give am banana? Stupid people, stupid people….pcheeewwwww. na mess go wound all of them if them no win this premier league.

Men my people make una no mind my outburst jare! I guess you are allowed to do that once in a while as a fan. I just hope I have not crossed the line into being labeled a fanatic because that would be way too over bearing. The thing is I have met quite a number of fanatics who are way over board the rationality line when it comes to supporting their various clubs.

I was at a viewing center once watching a match between Arsenal and another team (can’t remember which) when one overzealous Liverpool fan kept on taking pot shots at Thierry Henry

Liverpool Fan- See Igwe (nickname for Henry)I’m just dey play rubbish, old man, I’m no fit even score self, na so so shakara im sabi do. Yeye

Wetin this guy no talk finish about Henry, Person go think say the guy mama and Henry mama open shop for Isale Eko (A market in Lagos) together. Meanwhile some chairmen done dey seriously wait make first half finish make them go treat the guy fuck up. That Liverpool fan regretted his actions as he was summarised (Well Beaten) left right and center for not keeping a lead on his mouth.

I done see so many fanatical outburst from different kinds of football fans but none beats the story I am about to share with you.

I went to a tertiary institution where fighting or any form of violent outburst was seriously frowned at. The minimum punishment for an offender was expulsion and the maximum punishment was also expulsion but this is not to say people never fought as the beast always found its way out once in a while. Students would conjure ingenious ways of kpokporizing (Causing physical swellings with the fists) each other darning the consequences in the process.

My good friend Stin was one of those that had his temper on a short leash and no other thing could trigger his temper faster than an argument or insult against his favorite football club (Arsenal).

Stin and I had decided to go and watch a premier league match in the school cafeteria between Bolton Wanderers and Arsenal. We were both bubbling in high spirits.

Sasuke- Stin! you dey mad ni? she na now you just wan go baff when match na in 5mins

Stin- Sasuke no vex. I just say make I quick baff make I no go dey 'buzzala' (Serious stench) for that place

Sasuke- You done crase for head. Abeg spray 'sure' (deodorant) for your dirty armpit make we go watch the match jare!

Stin- Oya! Make we go…but if you use this incident say I no baff laff me ehn!

Sasuke- make we go

We got to the venue exactly as the match was about starting. Luckily for us two seats that had been reserved for us by a friend beside a boy wearing a Chelsea jersey (I honestly do not know why most club supporters don’t stick to watching the match of their clubs alone. If I am to watch a Manchester united, Chelsea or Liverpool match, I usually do it with the confines of my home where I know my audacious remarks would go unpunished).

We sat on our seats and started trash talking before we knew it Bolton done hammer us goal. Immediately the Chelsea fan that was sitting beside us (but closer to Stin) started jumping, yelling and making anti Arsenal remarks. We ignored the dude because we still believed that there was hope of us getting back into the match. Before we could say ‘Ojuelegba’ this people done romance the back of our net again 2-0. The Chelsea fan started his theatrics again.

Chelsea Fan- Arsenal una papa! Nothing for una today, see how common Bolton dey 'soap' (disgrace) una.

By this time Bloggers all my eye done they red as I could feel large amounts of violent adrenaline pumping through my veins ‘Baba God I know say you done send your son to sacrifice im life for us but abeg another one of your sons wan lay im own down today. Accept him as he comes’. At this juncture I noticed Stin tap me on the leg. He had his hands in his face and was muttering to me how much he wanted to inflict serious damage on the Chelsea dude.

Stin- Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!

Sasuke- Stin wetin?

Stin- Oh my God! Sasuke I wan control Q this boy (for those of us that have a PC abeg press the control button and letter Q to see the command)

Sasuke- Abeg Stin take am easy the guy done dey vex me too but you know say we done dey final year make devil no go use person.

Stin- GAWWWWD! I wan beat this guy (he was seriously clutching his face; the unsuspecting guy was oblivious to the fact that he was moments from getting his ass whooped! And that someone was interceding seriously on his behalf. He still kept on with his rants)

Like God wanted to give us something to cool off on, Arsenal scored a goal making us 2-1 down. Stin relaxed a bit.

Second half started and our boys played with so much vigor and finesse that we could almost taste an equalizer. We kept on cheering the boys on and just out of the blues Bolton pulled a fast break and scored the third goal some minutes before full time. The Chelsea boy jumped with glee and started thrash talking again. This time it was even worse. I was heartbroken and angry at the same time but I knew there was nothing I could do about the later except pray that the boy accidentally stepped on my shoes so that I could dial my Mum’s number on his face with the hope that it enters voice mail so I could redial it again (i wan slap the boy be that).

The useless Chelsea fan didn’t stop with his teasing oh! Maybe he was doing it to incense Stin and I the more because the idiot was sitting close to Stin who was wearing an Arsenal Jersey. Well as the saying goes ‘ he who keeps knocking on the devils door might one day receive the answer he has been looking for’

Chelsea Fan- All Arsenal fans wey wear jersey come here, shame go make una commot the jersey wey una wear today.

That was the straw that broke the camels back my dear Bloggers. Wetin I see and hear next my mouth no fit talk but as im be say na type I dey type I go fit write am. Stin a 25year old going 26 full grown adult with children (just joking on that) started crying like someone that did not have good home training and as im they cry na so im grab this boy start to dey 'Bluetooth' (Beat) the guy oh!

Stin- 'AH! AH! AH! Wetin Arsenal do you? ( Gbos, Gbas , Kpos, Gbi, Flying heading) I say wetin Arsenal do you? Sob, Sob, Sob… you don dey talk anyhow since for here, dey talk like person wey swallow radio' ( Gboga, Gboga, Gboooo, Kpakiti, Kpakiti) I say wetin Arsenal do you?

Chelsea fan- Chairman abeg! (Crying seriously)

Bloggers at this juncture I be no know wetin to do as the beater and the beated dey cry I no even know the person wey I wan tell sorry because it was quite difficult to differentiate the assailant from the victim. After about 10 mins we managed to wrestle the poor boy from Stin’s grip (I happy die with the bluetoothing. yeye Chelsea fan).

After the match Stin and I started making our way towards the hostel. I then decided to have a frank word with him about his childish actions and honestly you all wouldn’t believe the reply he gave me.

Sasuke- Stin you dey crase oh! im be like say you want make your parents money waste abi?

Stin- Sasuke leave that thing.

Sasuke- you dey tell me make I leave that thing abi, what if authorities come catch you as you dey reconfigure that boy?

Stin-Sasuke, how you take wan make I do am now? The boy done too talk and the thing done pain me so tey I no fit hold body again. I know say if I use clear eye beat the boy im fit go report me. Na im make I form cry like that so confusion no go fit make the boy go report and in case authorities catch us, dem go call am two fighting as dem no go fit know who dey beat who.

Bloggers can you now see the caliber of crazy people I have come in contact with in this world. Na only God go save person. Sorry once more for my absentia

Its your boy Sasuke

IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!

Bloggers I have a confession to make. I don try see how I go fit battle this disease but I guess its tentacles have sank too deep in me. Bloggers I wan confess…You see a confession of this magnitude is actually taking a lot of ‘grags’ on my part to say and so I am actually going through a lot to bear out to you folks a shame that hunts me so much it has become pure bliss to keep it.

Bloggers I say I wan confess because if I no confess yawa go gas. For the last time before the lastest time I say I want to spoke of that which makes my anatomy to do jigi- jigi, that which makes my temperature vu-vu-late, that which causes my blood pressure to ‘ja scale’ (break the scale). That which causes an osmosis when there is need for diffusion that which causes me to…to…to…to (e don do abeg! )

Bloggers I must confess, I am a FANATIC and the object of this my extreme affection is none other than the round leather game popularly known as soccer by the Americans and Football by the British and ARSENAL football club. As a matter of fact I kill, fight, bark, smooch… even kiss for the love of my club and the game. (When I say smooch and kiss, I mean members of the opposite sex ‘wink’)

I honestly can’t remember exactly when my romance with the round leather game began but all I can remember is that I really did some rather extreme things just to show my solidarity and love for the game. One memorable incident in my high school days comes to mind.

There was a very popular high staked you don’t want to miss football match that my friends and I had been preparing for all week. Tempers and anticipation were high all sorts of bets were being made by over eager soccer lovers, trash talking of all sorts. Ideally it was going to be one hell of a weekend. France versus Italy: European cup finals. It was one match I could not even dream about missing.

Like an unforeseen sea storm announcements were made a day before the match that the schools generator set would be due for repairs the following day which coincidentally happened to be the match day. Pandemonium and katakata where let loose because we all knew how handicap the local power was. Translation (Blackout)

Kelly- Sasuke men! This people don pot black ball oh!

Sasuke- For this town! That one na for their back pocket. No juju go stop me from watching that match.

Owen-Na so jare! but how we go take do am now?

Sasuke- Leave matter for Mathias, wetin go happen be say we go scale fence go watch the match for Base 2 (Base 2 was a popular viewing center)

We all decided to scale the school fence. On the appointed day, we numbered about 20 escapees. On getting to Base 2, it was packed to the brim. The match commenced at about 8pm or thereabout and boy! Was it worth the trouble.

France went on to lift the cup on that faithful day after which we all started making our way back towards school in groups of five. We got back to the school around 11.30pm. on getting to the school fence someone formed an ingenious plan which required all escapees to scale the school fence at the same time. Little did we know that that move would be our saving Ace as the school authorities had somewhat gotten to know about the migration and so the housemasters in company of some security men had stationed themselves in strategic sides of the school fence.

We all scaled the fence as planned only for us to hear shouts of the vigilantes behind us (popsy thanks for those Ben Johnson tapes) I was off like a light running at mad speed

Security- Stop! Stop, stop we know you people oh! No escape

(Which kind stop be that one, if you know fit catch me na go be that)

I took the connecting flight of stairs in rapid bounds luckily my room was first after the stairs. I flung myself on my bed and feigned deep sleep as well as my many comrades (or so I thought).

The room was as silent as a graveyard. It would be kind of hard to believe that 20 boys had just made their way in hastily without breaking the tranquility. The housemaster in company of the security men made their way in shortly after (When dem tell them make dem employ young security people dem go say na lie say na experience dem dey find. We go see how una go use experience catch who una they find)

I lay comatose on my bed despite the fact that my lungs were burning from the dash and then I heard one of the securities make a pronunciation that might turn out to be revealing.

Security- (Talking to the house master) Sir shine torchlight for their eye you go see say dem go dey panting from the run wey them run. (chei! which kind security be this one?)

Housemaster- Yes! Very good idea, oya! Start pointing the torch in their faces. We must fish them out. (I wish una good luck oh! but as for me, dead body no go fit compete)

The security and housemaster went from bed to bed pointing the beam in our faces looking for the first son of a gun to flinch or have an abnormal heart rate. They got to my bed side and I could feel the heat of the beam on my face but I systematically maintained status quo (How dem go catch me, after all the James bond film wey I don watch! Na lie!).

Everything was going smoothly until the housemaster and security arrived at the bed of one hyperactive fellow called Uwaifo. This guy was sweating and panting like someone that does not have good home training. The security on noticing the boys’ abnormality pointed him out to the housemaster who brought his cane down on the guys’ body. Uwaifo jumped off his bed looking genuinely confused

Security-we don catch one sir! See as im dey sweat

Housemaster- GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Uwaifo- (Really looking confused) Sir! Sir! Sir! Oh Sir!

House master- SHAARRRAAP! Your dirty stinking mouth.

Uwaifo- Sir, God bless you sir! Oh Sir I am very grateful, oh!

Housemaster-God bless me! God bless me! For what?

(What I heard next was the most brilliant lie ever conjured in the history of man as a matter of fact even devil gast stand up from im seat clap for the guy say im see person wey lie pass am)

Uwaifo- Sir, Sir, Sir, they wanted to kill me….they were chasing me…I was having a nightmare Sir and God used you to save my life. Thank you Sir, Thank you very much Sir for waking me up….Ah,Ah,Ah,Ah, Jesus, Jesus Jesus .

(Laff wan kill me for wey I lie down put. This boy go kill me for my mama)

The housemaster and security were both tongue tied as they did not know what to say or do. They later reported the case to the principal the following day but Uwaifo still stuck to his claims that the reason for his panting and sweating was because he was having a nightmare.

Bloggers but people dey lie oh! Some people lie go make devil ask himself ‘am I still king of liars? Me myself almost chop the lie self. Na only God go save us. Amen

It’s your boy Sasuke