NEVER FELT SO STUPID!!

A drought is defined to be a long period of dry weather or any prolonged shortage. Many of us must have experienced a drought in one part of our lives or the other. It could be a drought in our finances, academics, physical fitness, relationship, job and many more. We often feel like a piece of worn out shit during this period as we wonder why the regular just isn’t happening for us and we are just too keen to see that bright colored cloud with a silver lining signaling the end of the drought.

At moments like this we just wish the world could just stand still while we screamed our lungs out. The long and short is that we just feel like a 9inch rod has just been shoved up our arse.

I got a whiff of this drought in my second year at the university. Yours truly experienced a drought and this was no ordinary drought. It was a drought most nightmares were made out of, most especially if you considered yourself a stud (anyone who has seen 40days and 40nights should already have an inkling to what kind of drought I faced but for those slow coaches who still haven’t caught up, well this drought just happened to blow into my sexual life. Hold your horses for a second! No! I wasn’t temporarily impotent neither did I experience any form of bizarre speech flaw when chatting up the ladies, I definitely didn’t loose my taste and touch in women and neither was I under any form of oat not to get screwed till a particular date.

Bloggers the koko is or was that I just wasn’t and couldn’t get anyone to shag. Tough luck! I know.

My session ended on a low note and I made a resolve (unlike my 40 days and 40 nights bud, Josh Hartnet to ‘Chop’ (nak oh sorry screw) at least three different chics before the end of the holidays. (People dey resolve to get money, build house, buy motor but my own na to chop sorry nak sorry screw 3 different chics. Na wa for me oh! but as dat one come be my challenge nko?) anyhoos abeg make una follow me see how this my tori end.

Sasuke- Hello! Skida , wetin dey now?

Skida- Baba I dey oh! how runs now?

Sasuke- Runs tight but that no be why I call you. Skida I get one big katakata

(I guess you all would be wondering why I chose to share my problems with Skida? You see Skida is what I would love to call a woman magnet. He has the knack of surrounding himself with a quality amount of women and most importantly he was the only person that could get me the hell out of my predicament)

Skida-Ehn! Why you come call me?

Sasuke- Skida I never ‘chop’ (not had sex) for the past six months.

Skida- wetin you mean say you never chop? Abi una no get food for house?

Sasuke- Skida stop being sarcastic. Wetin I dey try talk be say I never ‘chop’ woman for the past six months. 'Congi' wan kill me for here all my balls done full throw way.

(Skida bursts out laughing)

Skida- Sasuke you no go kill me. ok! Wetin you wan make I do for you?

Sasuke- Meen Skida no bi laffing matter be this oh! I would love if you could hook me up with one of your numerous girlfriends.

Skida- You done turn me to your personalized pimp abi?

Sasuke- Skida you won’t understand. I am running fucking low on ‘Grags’ (confidence) and I need a boost fast.

Skida- My guy! Ok I understand I go hook you up. lets hook up on Saturday

Sasuke- Skida abeg I don’t want a date oh! no bi the one wey I go dey speak plenty Ngbati-Ngbati. I just want to get back in form

Skida- just come for weekend.

Sasuke- Ok I hear you. I go show for weekend.

I gladly made my way to Skida’s house the following weekend and true to his reputation he had two females in his company. I sized both of them up to decide which would be my quarry for the coming weeks. My eyes settled on the lighter of the two chics. She had a mouth shaped like the top of an apple plus she was coca cola fitted (head banging!). I was so happy to know she was the one Skida was hooking me up with.

Skida- Coke meet my friend Sasuke

Coke- hello!

Sasuke- hi there

Coke and I got our chemistry going instantly (I must say I am very easy to like). We chatted like we had meet for ages. Skida and I decided to take the girls out for a drink to loosing any form of rigidity ( if ya’ll know what I mean nothing like a little alcohol to help keep things in perspective). Before we settled with our drinks I pulled Skida aside for a brief chat.

Sasuke- Nice one Skida. thanks for the 'through pass' (hook up)The girl set die

Skida- anything for my guy. You sha know as we dey do am?

Sasuke- nothing do you jare! But wait oh!

Skida- wetin be that again?

Sasuke- Guy you know say na ‘Chop’ I just wan Chop I no want any relationship steez oh!

Skida- wetin you mean?

Sasuke- what I am trying to ask is, you sure say the girl dey chop? make i know the status before i go 'Te ori si' ( put head inside). because desperate times call for equally desperate measures.

Skida- Yes now! and which one be the desperate times and desperate measures talk abi you wan rape person ?

Sasuke- how now! ok you done chop am before?

Skida- Noooooooooo!

Sasuke- Ok! You know anybody wey done chop am?

Skida – Nooooooooo!

Sasuke- then how the hell you take come know say she dey ‘chop’

Skida- Baba free me jare abi which kind jamb question you come dey ask me? Shey after I give you woman na me go still come give you prick wey you go use take nak am ni ?

Sasuke- no vex now I just wan dey sure.

Skida- guy lets just go inside finish our drinks and then see if we can make it rain on that drought of yours.

We made our way to the bar and ordered very potent brands. Two hours later we made our back to Skida’s pad to go and ‘do the do’. We both entered different rooms with our girls. Before I could say Jack Robinson I was already hearing soundtracks from the room beside my own (bad guy Skida no dey waste time at all). This provided the ambience I needed to lunge my own attack.

Coke and I started kissing and grinding like people that didn’t have good home training. With our lips still locked I had both out shirts off in a jiffy and the thrill of melons rubbing against my bare chest left a furnace in my john. (Chei! I am going to wound someone’s child today). We crashed on the bed with her landing ontop of me. She had a pair of jeans on and so did I. My hands were trailing every nook and cranny of her tight body.

I flipped to my side systematically maneuvering her underneath me. On top and in control I released the clasp of her bra and her breasts poured out in anger at this point the heat coming from my briefs could be compared with that of the sun ( scorching).I engaged her ‘bobi’ sorry breasts immediately. She started yelping (very good sign). Bloggers at this junture una guy done go no bi small.

She held my hands as I reached down to yank off her jeans. (Make this pikin stop this rough play if na joke because I dey harsh for this matter oh! six months no be beans). I made another effort to take off the jeans but this time her hand be like clamp for my wrist (OKOKOKOKO! This babe wan put me for work sha! so this girl wan dey use old man play abi!). The war between my hands and her jeans were on. I started gaining an unfair advantage because of my dogged determination (I never nak for six months now! So how she wan take win the battle? Una for see as I take dey hustle like person wey never nak before.)

All of a sudden she held my face in her hands .

Coke- Wait!

Which kind wait be that abeg no time oh! I wan 'po-po d pa-pa' (cane sorry have sex)

Coke- Sasuke chill! We would do this but I just want to ask you one question?

Sasuke- Ok sure, what is it? (

The question wey this babe ask me had an instant cataclysmic effect on me as I no know the kind answer wey I wan give. Most annoying was the feeling i started to have after the question .

Coke- Sasuke ‘WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO IT?’

WHAAT DA HELL! Bloggers una no see the kind yeye question wey this mosquito dey ask me at this kind do or die hour? The kind bell wey ring for my head no bi small.

I lost all the sun and furnace sensation in my loins instantly. ‘why do I want us to do it’ how I for take answer the question? Maybe one way of answering that question could have been

1) you see my dear I haven’t had sex in the past six months and so I would like if you could just spare me that part of you that gives undeniable pleasure for a couple of minutes so I could get myself together again

2) ehm! After causing so much havoc in my anatomy for the past thirty minutes it would only be ladylike for you to charismatically finish what you have started.

3) You see there is an overwhelming sensation that we men experience in the peak of sex. Some men while experiencing that sensation would scream out ‘I WOULD BUY YOU AEROPLANE OHHHHHHH’ some might say ‘ YEPARIPA OHHHHHHHH!’ others would say ‘ I WOULD GIVE YOU THE WHOLE PLANET EARTHHHHHHHH’ but I would have just said ‘THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME MY FIRST CUM IN SIX MONTHHHHHSSSSSS!

Bloggers never in my life had I felt so stupid. I was fucked despite whatever answer I gave. So the best thing for me to do at that time was to pick up my shirt and work out with my shame. All I could mutter to console my self were these embarrasing words ‘ Why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it? 'why do i want to do it? abeg bloggers if una get answer wey i for fit give the girl abeg make una tell me.

Its your boy Sasuke

OZIGODO THE STUPID ONE!

Yes! Babylet, Brotherlet, Kokolet, Sisterlet, Mamalet and Papalet. Your bloggerhood Friendly Sasuke is Back and as per say na new month I gast instill some new changes. Yes oh! Change is the only constant thing ‘e le pa mi’ (you can’t kill me). I have gone to the confines of Princesa’s blog to get the ever handy visitor detection spray. Yes for all you that come to my site without leaving a comment na FEEDJIT (I just pray I don’t have to feed the darn thing) go Fleet all of una because monkey no go dey work may Baboon dey chop in this modern era of ours. Feedjit has now become my gateman Mukaila anybody wey do anyhow, go see anyhow. On a lighter note abeg no be shout I dey shout na beg I dey beg make una dey try leave comment but for all those who do I want to say a big thank you once more for all your support.

Now for the Post of the day.

Stupidity is a vice most rational humans try to avoid because it stinks like a public toilet. No sane person likes the feeling attached to being labeled stupid or better still no right thinking person likes to find his or herself in a stupid situation (trust me the thing dey pain like say person put yansh untop 12 dozen ‘Unsafety pins’ ‘if you get my drift’).To buttress my point how come most confrontations start when one of the party involved asks the other ‘Are you trying to make me feel stupid or what?’ Slap and heavy blow wan follow be that if the other party no fit provide good answer.

The annoying thing is that however hard you try to avoid associating yourself with this vice it just has its annoying way of finding you out. I know a lot of us have experienced one stupid situation at one point in our lives and at such point, you almost will the ground to open up and put you out of your shame. However, I must commend most of us that even make the conscious effort to try to avoid the ‘Soapy’ vice. To some other people stupidity has become a very profitable virtue as a matter of fact na this kin people for Yoruba them they call ‘Ode’ for Benin dem dey call them ‘Ozwor’ For Igbo dem they call them ‘Onyezuzu or Oluku’ for Hausa dem go say ‘Dan iska’ then for English we know them as ‘fools’ or better put ‘BIG FOOLS’.

One of my acquaintance in Secondary School was one of such character (if you notice I no call am my friend make una no talk say birds of the same feather flock together). I never see person wey foolish reach Ozigodo as he was popularly called then. Make I nak un this im tori so una go be the judge.

Ozigodo was a twenty something year old SS2 student. This guy old no bi small as a matter of fact when God dey create world and im say ‘Let there be water’ na Ozigodo be the first man wey start to dey fish. Bloggers this guy old.

It so happened that Ozigodo had feelings for a girl named Judith who was the SS1 hotie at that time. Ozigodo would bore us sick day in day out with tales of his feelings for the girl. He was love stoned. To be honest with you guys Ozigodo didn’t stand a chance of even commanding the girls’ attention as the guy ‘wowo’ (ugly) no be small. As a matter of fact ‘wowo’ (ugliness) stand for im back with broken bottle dey harass the guy ‘fine make I see if I no go chuk you bottle’. Realistically, he had no chance but trust boys now! We somehow made him forget about his facial handicap and spurred him on to make his feelings known to the girl. (We used to seek for activity like crazy so pardon us if we found a suitable scapegoat)

Sasuke- Ozigodo, Track this girl, she dey crase self who she be make she no gree for you?

Coco- Guy if she no gree, use seniority for am she must gree.

Ozigodo- Shewwww! As a fine boy! Make una leave the girl that one na small thing.

( Chei!! see this Lepricon dey call himself fine boy)

The unexpected D-Day came about some few weeks later. Eleven of us had assembled at our favorite hang-out spot to observe our lunch break. Ozigodo was still in his usual love stoned mood.

Ozigodo- ‘Men! I just dey crase for that Judith girl. If the girl fit marry me I go too happy. Una no see how the babe fine for face come set for body…. ololololo!!!’.

(He would do a jig while caressing the ironing board pillar like he had Judith in his arms)

Like say God one put an end to the drama, we saw Judith walking towards us.

Sasuke- ‘Ozigodo na your chance be this try control the girl at least she no go fit form where we dey. Abeg no dull up.

Coco- ‘Yes Ozigodo just call am come this zone’

Abraski- Nothing do you Ozed. Just follow the babe ‘word’ (talk). I swear she go jell’.

Ozigodo- ‘Una say make I call am? How I look?’

Chorus- Call am!!!

Bloggers it was a catastrophe already waiting to happen I swear to toast woman no be one day job oh!

At this time Judith had gotten to where we sat. Ozigodo immediately called out to her and as she approached us (Bloggers as im open im mouth Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed once again).

Ozigodo- HELLO JUDITH! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Before the girl even fit answer all our lunch done fall for floor as we all busted out laughing. ‘Chei! Ozigodo done ‘Pot Black ball’ oh! (Ozigodo don fuck up) Make una see this yeye boy when no gree allow person rest with im ‘Judith this, Judith dat’ the babe done come now you dey ask for name wey you just call am. Which Kind Parus be dis one? Bloggers make una see me see trouble. Abi na force to toast woman?

Judith walked off pissed. The poor girl probably thought it was a setup not knowing Ozigodo was just being his usual stupid self. Abeg make una help me say ‘BIG FOOL’

I done Jam people for this world wey I come. Watch out for part two

MY QUIRKS

This quirking or quacking of a thing! Well who am I to refuse to take the tag- baton passed to me by Darkelcee and Mommy well here it goes.

1) I have a lip-licking fetish- I lick my lips anywhere, anytime and anyhow. I think the only time I don’t indulge in this habit is when I am asleep (I aint even sure about that. my tongue could still be keeping them moist while I sleep). I picked up the habit in secondary school and it is one I am finding very hard to loose.

2) I have a Fetish for Boxer shorts- Nothing excites me more than a fresh pair of boxers. Honestly I don’t know why. My family has already caught up on this my fetish. Anytime someone travels I am usually the one to end up with the most amount of briefs and here is the weird part: I LIKE IT!!!!

3) I got a large amount of birthmarks on my goods- honestly I don’t know the significance (maybe it purifies the ladies, I don’t know!, maybe I would be a Father of many nations, I don’t know! ‘and I do practice it safe when I bang pelvises’).its quite a large amount I have going for me down there. A chick counted them for me once and it was like fifteen.

4) I am a Rock freak- nothing gets me going more than a good dose of rock. Now here is a secret guys ‘I have often fantasized listening to Coldplay on a drive back from dinner with that special person’. 3doors down, Red hot chill peppers, Keane, Moby, 12Stones, Greenday, Wheatus, Hinder, Linkin Park, Stained. I love the whole lot.

5) I like nice feminine lips- On a physical front there is a 50% chance I would be on a babes case if she has the lip thing going for her. I once dated a girl and couldn’t kiss her cause she didn’t have the kind of lips I could kiss. Poor girl, she didn’t even know. kind of made up by pecking her alot ‘heinous’ I know.

6) I am a die hard Arsenal Fan- I guess most of you know this fetish already

I hereby tag any untagged blogger. Let’s hear your quirk.

It’s your boy Sasuke.

CHEI! MY OWN DONE BE FOR BLOGSVILLE!

Yes I have finally done it. E done happen.The Gongo as so oh! My own done finally be! My people na untop my knees I dey like the prodigal son ( I know follow pig chop sha) dey beg una say ABEG MAKE UNA NO VEX. Men I can’t believe I haven’t even been on my blog for close to if not more than 2 months. Sasuke! Which kind beans you wak self? Princesa God Bless you many many many times because if no be you, personal issues done almost make me forget all my friends for blogsville as a matter of fact one big Gbosa for you. GBOSA!!!

Men Guys at this juncture e for too sweet me if to say I fit blow una one big lie wey go fit justify my stupendous absence from blogsville but even at that the only lie wey fit commot for my mouth na say I travel (but abeg una go ask me if where I travel go they no dey get internet for the place? Even villages done they get internet). Therefore, I won’t even bother lying so as not to pounce, trounce and bounce on your indefatigable, inconstruable, unfathomable, unequivocal and uncomparable level of intelligence ( I hope say I never curse anybody with this my big- big dictionary)

The truth is that I had a lot going for me academically and psychologically. Academically in the sense that una Sasuke they try pursue runs for im masters and so I have been shuttling week in week out from Benin, Ibadan and Lagos and as such I can’t even manage my time well enough to give you guys a shout (once more abeg make una no vex na small pikin dey do me)

On the psychological front I guess I just got bored and nonchalant (don’t get me wrong its not like I ran out of gist and everything its just that I think I got tired of giving them. Weird abi?)

For all you guys who have shown your numerous support I want to say a big thank you. You guys are the best ( Darkelcee sorry I couldn’t meet your may deadline) Afrobabe, Uzezi, Queen of my castle,30+, Solomonsdellye, Olamild, sting, omosewa, allied, Princesa, Fantasy Queen and every other person that has shown love and support. God go bamboozle una with blessings.i just want you guys to know that I appreciate ya’ll a lot and if not for you guys I wouldn’t even be here in blogsville.

So In atonement for my impetus I would spend the best part of this week visiting everybody’s blog so as to catch up on the amazing things that have been happening in your beautiful life. Thanks for your support once more I remain indebted to you guys.

NOW I AM BACK BADDER AND LOVING IT.

its your boy, Sasuke