DRUNKEN BLUES

Take one beer for my head now, take one beer for my head oh! Ewu! I for done marry oh ogogoro na you cause am oh! I for done marry ogogoro na you cause am oh!.

Bloggers it is not easy oh! But come to think of it, what exactly do people gain from getting high? The thing tire me self. Do not get me wrong I have not come here to preach to you guys because its almost too certain that I might end up with a drink before the day ends (very funny guys I certainly would'nt consider myself an alcoholic but pardon me if I indulge myself once in a while).

I grew up around people that drink and so it was all too easy for me to endear my self to the colored bottles (I prefer green by the way). I guess I had my first drink in J.S.S 3 or thereabout (I bet some of you even started earlier than I did…lol). Anyways drinking for me was one thing and getting high was another. Most of my alcoholic friends used to tell me that I simply never got high because I never took beyond my limits.The irony of the matter however is that, I never actually got the chance of knowing what my limit was as I only stopped consuming whenever I noticed I was getting full (the same feeling you get when you consume food). Usually, the ritual for me after such consumption is to go to the loo, pee and burp like someone with no good home training. Excuse me for a sec.'BUURRRRP' yes! that feels so much better (and i do have good toilet manners except when drunk of course...lol)

My inability to get high made me try a whole load of unconventional stuff like ‘Shekpe’ (roots dipped in gin) and some brand of native spirits. Somehow I guess these weren’t my thing as I just didn’t feel their steez. Anyways I soon started experimenting more on spirits and all of a sudden I started to get a hang of this stronger brand of drinks. Little did I know that I was starting the journey towards getting FUCKED UP. Anyhoos! Follow me as I take you on this journey of discovery.

Sometime during the month of July my cousin had decided to throw a party to celebrate his birthday. We had decided to throw the party in the house so as avoid cost and also create and environment for people to loose it ‘Fi le’ (leave it). My cousin and I rushed off to the Palms to get drinks for the party (ehn! Did I hear anybody say Awoof? You better not.)

Anyhoos we got a couple of drinks and started heading back home as our guests were already arriving. On our way home I noticed a supermarket and decided to still splurge some money on spirits. I went in and ordered for a brand recommended by a friend.

Sasuke- Madam! Please can I have a bottle of Absolute?

Madam- sure which one do you want the 40% or 50%

With a smirk on my face

Sasuke- madam, give me both.

I picked up the bill and made my way back to the car. In about ten minutes we were already home. I jumped out of the car with the drinks and rushed off to take a shower. after taking a shower I got into my 'kaks' (clothes) and made my way to the palour to set up the Gbedu ( na me be Dj una one try?)

Cousin- Sasuke we’ve been waiting on you abeg set up the deck

Sasuke- on it oh!

30 minutes later the party done dey rock. I had a bottle of shine-shine bobo with me as I spun the tracks. The party people were already sipping easy (nothing do us).

An hour later I can gladly tell you that there was no more lady or gentleman in the house plus I was almost through with my third bottle of shine shine (me I no be gentleman at all). Chics were grinding bobo’s like they were pepper. Na today! I got up from my seat and made my way to the kitchen to get the bottle of Absolute. I got a mini glass, made my way back to my seat and poured myself a drink. My eyes were watery as the first shot hit rock bottom ‘AKAMABOSA!!’

A chic came to pull me from my seat and I was soon ‘lorileing’ away. Ehn! Who dem be? Who born monkey give am pomo? Fi le. Gba be, She be! First I want to dance with you pere, omo ma lo ro kpe mo kere (another shot of vodka hit the dust) Gongo Aso otu pa oh! anywhere I dey Haba! Their papa left testicles (another shot of vodka greeted my throat)

I was rocking away with no dignity. I honestly do not know how many shots of vodka I took but all I can remember is that I had my shirt off and was harassing my tipsy dance partner voraciously.

I do not really understand if it was the dancing that didn’t make me feel the effect of the vodka instantly but I soon started getting the slightest hint that I was FUCKED when a friend asked me to escort her to get a cab at the junction.

Bubu- Sasuke please could you escort me to the junction to get a cab?

Sasuke- alrrrigggght noooo wahaaalla.

Bubu- Sasuke are you ok?

I wonder why she be dey ask me this jamb question. Shey she no dey see the answer for my eye ni?

Sasuke- Bubu don’t worry I am ok lets go (walking her to the door)

Bubu- Sasuke where are you going to without your shirt?

Sasuke- my shirt, what shirt? My friend I am fully dressed can’t you see? ( clutching my self in the process. Oh! boy I no wear cloth true true oh!)

Sasuke- okay hold on a minute ( I rushed of the the seater to get my shirt)

Sasuke- Oya! lest grow

Bubu- Sasuke are you high?

Sasuke- what nonstence is zis do I look highhh?

Bubu- Sasuke you are high

Sasuke- I am snot high

Bubu- let me get your cousin so you do not go and sleep in the gutter on your way back

Sasuke- na yous go skip gutter

She dashes back into the house and comes out with my cousin

Cousin- (giggling) oya lets go’

Bloggers as we descended the staircase if una see the way I take hold my cousin. im be like say the ground dey come meet me

Cousin- Sasuke was wrong with you abi you wan fall me?

Sasuke- Baba no vex im be like say I done gas out for the one wey I dey so

My cousin and Bubu both burst out laughing

Sasuke- Yes I admit it I am fucked abeg I no dey form na una hand I dey now

We got to the junction and started waiting for a taxi. I immediately saw a cars light in the distance and started waving frantically shouting on top of my eyes Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! I could see from the corner of my eye that my cousin and Bubu were not trying to stop the cab. I started jumping and waiving to attract the car.

Bubu and my cousin start laughing frantically.

Cousin- Sasuke na wha for you oh! shey you know fit see say na Camry 2008 you dey stop as taxi!

Bubu finally got a cab some minutes later. Bloggers na when me and my cousin dey waka go house na im I come realize say assuming say na only me escort Bubu come find taxi e for too sure say na inside gutter I for sleep that night.

Sasuke- Baba thanks oh! For escorting me.

Cousin- (laughing) no lele

Bloggers I bet you can already figure how the rest of my night went. Lots of vomiting and headache. All in the name of getting high. God punish Absolute. but that one no mean say if una get parri make una no invite me sha. Oya! take one beer for my head now, take one beer for my head oh!

Watch out for part 2

PS- Una no even ask me wetin do the second bottle of Absolute? people dey drink shaaaaa!!

Its your Boy Sasuke

THE MIRACLE

I was arranging my room and taking stock of my clothing inventory sometime last week when I ran across some of my old university pics. I couldn’t help but marvel at how few of them I had in my possession. Well! It wasn’t like I took so many pictures and then developed a habit of giving them out; it was more of the fact that I hardly used to take pictures. I just was never up for it plus there was also the extra perk of having to pay to collect them pics. Maybe if taking pictures were for free I would probably have wall draped my room with images of my happy self (but as them come dey pay nko?).

The average photographer’s customers back in school were usually girls. I do not know whether it stems from a girls superficiality or what not but boy! Do women love to take pictures. For some, it’s like a ritual of looking into the mirror. (dem no dey use eye see wetin get flash even if them dey shit and you enter toilet with camera dem go wan say cheese). So you can imagine how much money these photographers used to make daily from the female population and I am sure if they had their way them for no mind if every body for the school be woman.

The photographers stand in my School was one that attracted different categories of girls. The fine, The beautiful, The cute, The Sexy, The Okay, The Poyo(These are the people ugliness pecked), The wowo ( these are the ones Ugliness Kissed), The Poyoyo (These are the ones ugliness made love to) and then the unmistakable Atutupoyoyo ( these are the ones Ugliness raped violently).

Now a photographer’s job is one that I have admired in a long while. You see Bloggers these people have seen it all and taken it all. As a matter of fact I feel a photographer should be one of the greatest liars as well as one of the best secret keepers in the world. Bloggers please I want you all to give a round of applause for the photographer because them too try. Do you know the level of concentration it takes for a photographer to focus his camera lens on an individual whose looks could shatter the focus of the camera? or better still do you know the level of mantra a photographer has to chant before telling an ugly looking girl to smile at the camera? coupled with the fact that he has to say 'Fine girl say cheese...naaaaa'. Na only photographer go see monkey call am dove. (Bloggers abeg which way now! the photographer whayo don too much..e too muuuuuccchhh!!!) and what worsens the case is that these individuals want multiple shots of themselves taken. How the photographer no go sweat? Most baffling of it all is that in luring his customers the photographer would say things like ‘sssssssss… Picture for the fine girl’ or ‘Sweet Babe come take picture now’. Its so annoying when you find these so called wowo girls responding to his advertisement. This is the way I see it Bloggers, if I dey waka with Leonardo Dicaprio and one yeye photographer say ‘sssssss… Fine man come and take picture’ I no go even do like person wey hear because I know say na Leonardo d man dey call no be me. ( Shewwwww!! person dey respect im self for this life oh! most especially when person no wan make them use soap papez am)

These photographers go see person wey wowo and them no go fit tell am say ‘ Madam I no sure say this picture go commot well oh!’ but because of money wey dem wan make dem go take the picture. Make I nak una wan tori wey happen when I dey school.

Sasuke- Chuks hurry up oh! I want to get breakfast

Chuks –Sasuke chill immediately I am done brushing we would head up

In another 10- 15minutes we were on our way to the cafeteria to get a fix

Sasuke- Chuks! I ran into that Sylvia girl in the library

Chuks- what happened did you tell her the 411?

Sasuke- How now! The environment wasn’t conducive for busting

Chuks- the earlier you start that girls job the better for you oh! cos there are quite a number of Hyenas on her case

Sasuke- Na today! Nothing like a little competition my brother

Sasuke- Chuks please arrange the drinks while I get the food

Chuks- No doubt

In another 8 minutes we where at our table munching away

Sasuke – Chuks that reminds me, I need to get to the bank

Chuks- Yeah! Me too

Sasuke- I guess we can do that after our meal

Chuks- no lele now

15minutes later we were on our way out of the cafeteria and heading to take a bus to the bank. All of a sudden Chuks started poking me violently in the ribs

Chuks- Sasuke come see this babe oh!

Sasuke- Which babe, where she dey?

Chuks- she dey go under JT Stand (pointing me to the direction of the girl)

Bloggers this girl wey I see falls under the unmistakable category. Her gait and demeanor clearly showed that someone or something had ticked her off

Girl-JT what the hell is this? I can’t pay you for this picture you have taken

JT- why now? Wetin do the picture wey you no go fit pay me?

Na this place the girl for fuck up

Girl- JT I can’t pay you oh! look, I am not looking fine in this picture

Chuks and I exchanged a puzzled look (Opabie-oh! which kind temptation be this for this early mor-mor. E be like say this girl think say she be Tyra banks)

JT- Ah! you no fit talk say you no go pay me oh!

Girl- I said I am not paying you a dime. Look at the kind of rubbish you took.

By this time people had gathered as a result of the ensuing raucous

Girl- JT I said I am not paying you a dime and there is nothing you can do about it.what nonsense is this?

Bloggers I think una understand where my tori dey go because the thing clear say this girl wan put hand inside tortoise yansh

JT- Which kind friction be dis ?Make una come see me see wahala oh! how you go say you no go pay me my money abi person tell you say I be magician? No be the thing wey I see I go snap? which kind miracle you wan make i perform? if na fine girl i for even hear word. You con come here dey tell me say na rubbish picture I take. Na you be the rubbish dat na why the picture no gree commot well. yeye

Bloggers me and Chuks wan laugh kill ourselves make una see how person dey use soap take rub herself. well I still blame the photographer because if im done tell the girl say ‘Sister I for like make you go meet another photographer wey get Photoshop make im snap you because me I no get’

On a lightest note concerning this wowo issue, im get one guy wey one of my friend yab. For my life I never hear wowo yab wey potent reach this one. I just want to share this with you guys.

I was in my room playing Pro-evolution soccer with a couple of friends and usually at such times the room is always filled with players and spectators so technically I sort of had a full house. It is usually at this point that boys are at their nastiest best with their tongues. In other words it is at such times that boys yab or stroke the hell out of one another.

Well, we had been trash talking for like an hour and unconventionally decided to take a break and just focus on the game. Bloggers na so one of our paddy wey dem dey call Emeka and the guy dey the wowo category enter room start to dey bone. (Apparently, he had misplaced his room key and was searching for it frantically) Normally this guy wowo, to come dey bone again come shift am enter the category of poyoyo. He started ransacking the room and cursing under his breath.

Meanwhile im get one of my friends called Sula. He had the nastiest mouth of us all. Sula had had been studying Emeka keenly from the bed he lay. All of a sudden he sat up and sarcastically launched a well rounded yab at Emeka.

Sula- ‘Emeka! Wetin Happen Now? Why you dey vex, Abi you go look mirror again?

The tranquility existing in the room was broken into smithereens with laughter.

Abeg if you have ever heard a wowo yab hotter than this please holla

It’s your boy Sasuke

NEVER FELT SO STUPID!!

A drought is defined to be a long period of dry weather or any prolonged shortage. Many of us must have experienced a drought in one part of our lives or the other. It could be a drought in our finances, academics, physical fitness, relationship, job and many more. We often feel like a piece of worn out shit during this period as we wonder why the regular just isn’t happening for us and we are just too keen to see that bright colored cloud with a silver lining signaling the end of the drought.

At moments like this we just wish the world could just stand still while we screamed our lungs out. The long and short is that we just feel like a 9inch rod has just been shoved up our arse.

I got a whiff of this drought in my second year at the university. Yours truly experienced a drought and this was no ordinary drought. It was a drought most nightmares were made out of, most especially if you considered yourself a stud (anyone who has seen 40days and 40nights should already have an inkling to what kind of drought I faced but for those slow coaches who still haven’t caught up, well this drought just happened to blow into my sexual life. Hold your horses for a second! No! I wasn’t temporarily impotent neither did I experience any form of bizarre speech flaw when chatting up the ladies, I definitely didn’t loose my taste and touch in women and neither was I under any form of oat not to get screwed till a particular date.

Bloggers the koko is or was that I just wasn’t and couldn’t get anyone to shag. Tough luck! I know.

My session ended on a low note and I made a resolve (unlike my 40 days and 40 nights bud, Josh Hartnet to ‘Chop’ (nak oh sorry screw) at least three different chics before the end of the holidays. (People dey resolve to get money, build house, buy motor but my own na to chop sorry nak sorry screw 3 different chics. Na wa for me oh! but as dat one come be my challenge nko?) anyhoos abeg make una follow me see how this my tori end.

Sasuke- Hello! Skida , wetin dey now?

Skida- Baba I dey oh! how runs now?

Sasuke- Runs tight but that no be why I call you. Skida I get one big katakata

(I guess you all would be wondering why I chose to share my problems with Skida? You see Skida is what I would love to call a woman magnet. He has the knack of surrounding himself with a quality amount of women and most importantly he was the only person that could get me the hell out of my predicament)

Skida-Ehn! Why you come call me?

Sasuke- Skida I never ‘chop’ (not had sex) for the past six months.

Skida- wetin you mean say you never chop? Abi una no get food for house?

Sasuke- Skida stop being sarcastic. Wetin I dey try talk be say I never ‘chop’ woman for the past six months. 'Congi' wan kill me for here all my balls done full throw way.

(Skida bursts out laughing)

Skida- Sasuke you no go kill me. ok! Wetin you wan make I do for you?

Sasuke- Meen Skida no bi laffing matter be this oh! I would love if you could hook me up with one of your numerous girlfriends.

Skida- You done turn me to your personalized pimp abi?

Sasuke- Skida you won’t understand. I am running fucking low on ‘Grags’ (confidence) and I need a boost fast.

Skida- My guy! Ok I understand I go hook you up. lets hook up on Saturday

Sasuke- Skida abeg I don’t want a date oh! no bi the one wey I go dey speak plenty Ngbati-Ngbati. I just want to get back in form

Skida- just come for weekend.

Sasuke- Ok I hear you. I go show for weekend.

I gladly made my way to Skida’s house the following weekend and true to his reputation he had two females in his company. I sized both of them up to decide which would be my quarry for the coming weeks. My eyes settled on the lighter of the two chics. She had a mouth shaped like the top of an apple plus she was coca cola fitted (head banging!). I was so happy to know she was the one Skida was hooking me up with.

Skida- Coke meet my friend Sasuke

Coke- hello!

Sasuke- hi there

Coke and I got our chemistry going instantly (I must say I am very easy to like). We chatted like we had meet for ages. Skida and I decided to take the girls out for a drink to loosing any form of rigidity ( if ya’ll know what I mean nothing like a little alcohol to help keep things in perspective). Before we settled with our drinks I pulled Skida aside for a brief chat.

Sasuke- Nice one Skida. thanks for the 'through pass' (hook up)The girl set die

Skida- anything for my guy. You sha know as we dey do am?

Sasuke- nothing do you jare! But wait oh!

Skida- wetin be that again?

Sasuke- Guy you know say na ‘Chop’ I just wan Chop I no want any relationship steez oh!

Skida- wetin you mean?

Sasuke- what I am trying to ask is, you sure say the girl dey chop? make i know the status before i go 'Te ori si' ( put head inside). because desperate times call for equally desperate measures.

Skida- Yes now! and which one be the desperate times and desperate measures talk abi you wan rape person ?

Sasuke- how now! ok you done chop am before?

Skida- Noooooooooo!

Sasuke- Ok! You know anybody wey done chop am?

Skida – Nooooooooo!

Sasuke- then how the hell you take come know say she dey ‘chop’

Skida- Baba free me jare abi which kind jamb question you come dey ask me? Shey after I give you woman na me go still come give you prick wey you go use take nak am ni ?

Sasuke- no vex now I just wan dey sure.

Skida- guy lets just go inside finish our drinks and then see if we can make it rain on that drought of yours.

We made our way to the bar and ordered very potent brands. Two hours later we made our back to Skida’s pad to go and ‘do the do’. We both entered different rooms with our girls. Before I could say Jack Robinson I was already hearing soundtracks from the room beside my own (bad guy Skida no dey waste time at all). This provided the ambience I needed to lunge my own attack.

Coke and I started kissing and grinding like people that didn’t have good home training. With our lips still locked I had both out shirts off in a jiffy and the thrill of melons rubbing against my bare chest left a furnace in my john. (Chei! I am going to wound someone’s child today). We crashed on the bed with her landing ontop of me. She had a pair of jeans on and so did I. My hands were trailing every nook and cranny of her tight body.

I flipped to my side systematically maneuvering her underneath me. On top and in control I released the clasp of her bra and her breasts poured out in anger at this point the heat coming from my briefs could be compared with that of the sun ( scorching).I engaged her ‘bobi’ sorry breasts immediately. She started yelping (very good sign). Bloggers at this junture una guy done go no bi small.

She held my hands as I reached down to yank off her jeans. (Make this pikin stop this rough play if na joke because I dey harsh for this matter oh! six months no be beans). I made another effort to take off the jeans but this time her hand be like clamp for my wrist (OKOKOKOKO! This babe wan put me for work sha! so this girl wan dey use old man play abi!). The war between my hands and her jeans were on. I started gaining an unfair advantage because of my dogged determination (I never nak for six months now! So how she wan take win the battle? Una for see as I take dey hustle like person wey never nak before.)

All of a sudden she held my face in her hands .

Coke- Wait!

Which kind wait be that abeg no time oh! I wan 'po-po d pa-pa' (cane sorry have sex)

Coke- Sasuke chill! We would do this but I just want to ask you one question?

Sasuke- Ok sure, what is it? (

The question wey this babe ask me had an instant cataclysmic effect on me as I no know the kind answer wey I wan give. Most annoying was the feeling i started to have after the question .

Coke- Sasuke ‘WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO IT?’

WHAAT DA HELL! Bloggers una no see the kind yeye question wey this mosquito dey ask me at this kind do or die hour? The kind bell wey ring for my head no bi small.

I lost all the sun and furnace sensation in my loins instantly. ‘why do I want us to do it’ how I for take answer the question? Maybe one way of answering that question could have been

1) you see my dear I haven’t had sex in the past six months and so I would like if you could just spare me that part of you that gives undeniable pleasure for a couple of minutes so I could get myself together again

2) ehm! After causing so much havoc in my anatomy for the past thirty minutes it would only be ladylike for you to charismatically finish what you have started.

3) You see there is an overwhelming sensation that we men experience in the peak of sex. Some men while experiencing that sensation would scream out ‘I WOULD BUY YOU AEROPLANE OHHHHHHH’ some might say ‘ YEPARIPA OHHHHHHHH!’ others would say ‘ I WOULD GIVE YOU THE WHOLE PLANET EARTHHHHHHHH’ but I would have just said ‘THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME MY FIRST CUM IN SIX MONTHHHHHSSSSSS!

Bloggers never in my life had I felt so stupid. I was fucked despite whatever answer I gave. So the best thing for me to do at that time was to pick up my shirt and work out with my shame. All I could mutter to console my self were these embarrasing words ‘ Why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it? 'why do i want to do it? abeg bloggers if una get answer wey i for fit give the girl abeg make una tell me.

Its your boy Sasuke

OZIGODO THE STUPID ONE!

Yes! Babylet, Brotherlet, Kokolet, Sisterlet, Mamalet and Papalet. Your bloggerhood Friendly Sasuke is Back and as per say na new month I gast instill some new changes. Yes oh! Change is the only constant thing ‘e le pa mi’ (you can’t kill me). I have gone to the confines of Princesa’s blog to get the ever handy visitor detection spray. Yes for all you that come to my site without leaving a comment na FEEDJIT (I just pray I don’t have to feed the darn thing) go Fleet all of una because monkey no go dey work may Baboon dey chop in this modern era of ours. Feedjit has now become my gateman Mukaila anybody wey do anyhow, go see anyhow. On a lighter note abeg no be shout I dey shout na beg I dey beg make una dey try leave comment but for all those who do I want to say a big thank you once more for all your support.

Now for the Post of the day.

Stupidity is a vice most rational humans try to avoid because it stinks like a public toilet. No sane person likes the feeling attached to being labeled stupid or better still no right thinking person likes to find his or herself in a stupid situation (trust me the thing dey pain like say person put yansh untop 12 dozen ‘Unsafety pins’ ‘if you get my drift’).To buttress my point how come most confrontations start when one of the party involved asks the other ‘Are you trying to make me feel stupid or what?’ Slap and heavy blow wan follow be that if the other party no fit provide good answer.

The annoying thing is that however hard you try to avoid associating yourself with this vice it just has its annoying way of finding you out. I know a lot of us have experienced one stupid situation at one point in our lives and at such point, you almost will the ground to open up and put you out of your shame. However, I must commend most of us that even make the conscious effort to try to avoid the ‘Soapy’ vice. To some other people stupidity has become a very profitable virtue as a matter of fact na this kin people for Yoruba them they call ‘Ode’ for Benin dem dey call them ‘Ozwor’ For Igbo dem they call them ‘Onyezuzu or Oluku’ for Hausa dem go say ‘Dan iska’ then for English we know them as ‘fools’ or better put ‘BIG FOOLS’.

One of my acquaintance in Secondary School was one of such character (if you notice I no call am my friend make una no talk say birds of the same feather flock together). I never see person wey foolish reach Ozigodo as he was popularly called then. Make I nak un this im tori so una go be the judge.

Ozigodo was a twenty something year old SS2 student. This guy old no bi small as a matter of fact when God dey create world and im say ‘Let there be water’ na Ozigodo be the first man wey start to dey fish. Bloggers this guy old.

It so happened that Ozigodo had feelings for a girl named Judith who was the SS1 hotie at that time. Ozigodo would bore us sick day in day out with tales of his feelings for the girl. He was love stoned. To be honest with you guys Ozigodo didn’t stand a chance of even commanding the girls’ attention as the guy ‘wowo’ (ugly) no be small. As a matter of fact ‘wowo’ (ugliness) stand for im back with broken bottle dey harass the guy ‘fine make I see if I no go chuk you bottle’. Realistically, he had no chance but trust boys now! We somehow made him forget about his facial handicap and spurred him on to make his feelings known to the girl. (We used to seek for activity like crazy so pardon us if we found a suitable scapegoat)

Sasuke- Ozigodo, Track this girl, she dey crase self who she be make she no gree for you?

Coco- Guy if she no gree, use seniority for am she must gree.

Ozigodo- Shewwww! As a fine boy! Make una leave the girl that one na small thing.

( Chei!! see this Lepricon dey call himself fine boy)

The unexpected D-Day came about some few weeks later. Eleven of us had assembled at our favorite hang-out spot to observe our lunch break. Ozigodo was still in his usual love stoned mood.

Ozigodo- ‘Men! I just dey crase for that Judith girl. If the girl fit marry me I go too happy. Una no see how the babe fine for face come set for body…. ololololo!!!’.

(He would do a jig while caressing the ironing board pillar like he had Judith in his arms)

Like say God one put an end to the drama, we saw Judith walking towards us.

Sasuke- ‘Ozigodo na your chance be this try control the girl at least she no go fit form where we dey. Abeg no dull up.

Coco- ‘Yes Ozigodo just call am come this zone’

Abraski- Nothing do you Ozed. Just follow the babe ‘word’ (talk). I swear she go jell’.

Ozigodo- ‘Una say make I call am? How I look?’

Chorus- Call am!!!

Bloggers it was a catastrophe already waiting to happen I swear to toast woman no be one day job oh!

At this time Judith had gotten to where we sat. Ozigodo immediately called out to her and as she approached us (Bloggers as im open im mouth Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed once again).

Ozigodo- HELLO JUDITH! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Before the girl even fit answer all our lunch done fall for floor as we all busted out laughing. ‘Chei! Ozigodo done ‘Pot Black ball’ oh! (Ozigodo don fuck up) Make una see this yeye boy when no gree allow person rest with im ‘Judith this, Judith dat’ the babe done come now you dey ask for name wey you just call am. Which Kind Parus be dis one? Bloggers make una see me see trouble. Abi na force to toast woman?

Judith walked off pissed. The poor girl probably thought it was a setup not knowing Ozigodo was just being his usual stupid self. Abeg make una help me say ‘BIG FOOL’

I done Jam people for this world wey I come. Watch out for part two

MY QUIRKS

This quirking or quacking of a thing! Well who am I to refuse to take the tag- baton passed to me by Darkelcee and Mommy well here it goes.

1) I have a lip-licking fetish- I lick my lips anywhere, anytime and anyhow. I think the only time I don’t indulge in this habit is when I am asleep (I aint even sure about that. my tongue could still be keeping them moist while I sleep). I picked up the habit in secondary school and it is one I am finding very hard to loose.

2) I have a Fetish for Boxer shorts- Nothing excites me more than a fresh pair of boxers. Honestly I don’t know why. My family has already caught up on this my fetish. Anytime someone travels I am usually the one to end up with the most amount of briefs and here is the weird part: I LIKE IT!!!!

3) I got a large amount of birthmarks on my goods- honestly I don’t know the significance (maybe it purifies the ladies, I don’t know!, maybe I would be a Father of many nations, I don’t know! ‘and I do practice it safe when I bang pelvises’).its quite a large amount I have going for me down there. A chick counted them for me once and it was like fifteen.

4) I am a Rock freak- nothing gets me going more than a good dose of rock. Now here is a secret guys ‘I have often fantasized listening to Coldplay on a drive back from dinner with that special person’. 3doors down, Red hot chill peppers, Keane, Moby, 12Stones, Greenday, Wheatus, Hinder, Linkin Park, Stained. I love the whole lot.

5) I like nice feminine lips- On a physical front there is a 50% chance I would be on a babes case if she has the lip thing going for her. I once dated a girl and couldn’t kiss her cause she didn’t have the kind of lips I could kiss. Poor girl, she didn’t even know. kind of made up by pecking her alot ‘heinous’ I know.

6) I am a die hard Arsenal Fan- I guess most of you know this fetish already

I hereby tag any untagged blogger. Let’s hear your quirk.

It’s your boy Sasuke.

CHEI! MY OWN DONE BE FOR BLOGSVILLE!

Yes I have finally done it. E done happen.The Gongo as so oh! My own done finally be! My people na untop my knees I dey like the prodigal son ( I know follow pig chop sha) dey beg una say ABEG MAKE UNA NO VEX. Men I can’t believe I haven’t even been on my blog for close to if not more than 2 months. Sasuke! Which kind beans you wak self? Princesa God Bless you many many many times because if no be you, personal issues done almost make me forget all my friends for blogsville as a matter of fact one big Gbosa for you. GBOSA!!!

Men Guys at this juncture e for too sweet me if to say I fit blow una one big lie wey go fit justify my stupendous absence from blogsville but even at that the only lie wey fit commot for my mouth na say I travel (but abeg una go ask me if where I travel go they no dey get internet for the place? Even villages done they get internet). Therefore, I won’t even bother lying so as not to pounce, trounce and bounce on your indefatigable, inconstruable, unfathomable, unequivocal and uncomparable level of intelligence ( I hope say I never curse anybody with this my big- big dictionary)

The truth is that I had a lot going for me academically and psychologically. Academically in the sense that una Sasuke they try pursue runs for im masters and so I have been shuttling week in week out from Benin, Ibadan and Lagos and as such I can’t even manage my time well enough to give you guys a shout (once more abeg make una no vex na small pikin dey do me)

On the psychological front I guess I just got bored and nonchalant (don’t get me wrong its not like I ran out of gist and everything its just that I think I got tired of giving them. Weird abi?)

For all you guys who have shown your numerous support I want to say a big thank you. You guys are the best ( Darkelcee sorry I couldn’t meet your may deadline) Afrobabe, Uzezi, Queen of my castle,30+, Solomonsdellye, Olamild, sting, omosewa, allied, Princesa, Fantasy Queen and every other person that has shown love and support. God go bamboozle una with blessings.i just want you guys to know that I appreciate ya’ll a lot and if not for you guys I wouldn’t even be here in blogsville.

So In atonement for my impetus I would spend the best part of this week visiting everybody’s blog so as to catch up on the amazing things that have been happening in your beautiful life. Thanks for your support once more I remain indebted to you guys.

NOW I AM BACK BADDER AND LOVING IT.

its your boy, Sasuke

THE ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” SYNDROME

It is a well known fact that in the world over everybody wants to be somebody. Little wonder why some people spend countless number of their time and resources trying to upgrade themselves so that they can be a force to reckon with in whatever field of endeavor they find themselves and in the society at large. Nobody wants to be a nobody. Basically, what’s the point of existing and not being able to apply some measure of influence on ones environment? In truth it sucks not to be reckoned with plus there is also a very big chance of being oppressed in the process. No wonder our parents in the process of bringing us up would always do everything in their power to equip us with those tools that would put us with the sphere of societal relevance.

However, this disease to be somebody has become something much of an obsession as people no longer have a sense of who they really are. Titles, degrees and awards are now peoples first and last names. The most obvious of peoples obsession for being noted a somebody can be noticed in the commercial roads and streets of Nigeria (lagos most especially). Let me create a typical ‘Do you know who I am’ scene for you.

(Noisy Lagos road with pedestrians and commuters trying to make their way through the dense traffic. People shouting and cursing at each other while those that have the luxury of having an ‘Oye pumping’ car (air conditioned) just chill listening to what the radio has available for them. All of a sudden all hell breaks loose as a murano trying to come out of junction runs into an iv-tec. Both evenly dressed drivers jump out of their cars for a face-off)

Murano- Are you blind or would you say you didn’t see me coming out the junction?

Iv-tec- How the hell would you be asking me that stupid question. Didn’t you see me coming?

(but guys if una no see each other is that not the more reason why una suppose get accident? Make una see jamb questions wey this two mumu dey ask each other)

Murano- You are are an excommunicated baboon for asking me if I didn’t see you. Didn’t common sense tell you that you are supposed to clear well when approaching a T junction

Iv-tec- Me an excommunicated baboon! You are just a half point two percent bastard. Instead of you to beg you are trying to claim right.

(Bloggers this iv-tec guy done make mistake as im take tell the murano guy make im beg oh! because the kakatakata wan just set now)

Murano- Beg you, for what! Who the hell are you by the way? A whole me should beg you? By the way how much does this Belgium you are driving around calling a car cost? As a matter of fact, ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

IV-tec- My car, Belgium! Do not try to harass anybody with your status here as a matter of fact, ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM TOO’?

Murano- Who the bloody hell are you ehn? Who is your Father? You drunk idiot. I asked you a question and so you better mind the way you talk to me (now getting into the other mans face like he wants to do something) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!

(Bloggers meanwhile the damage wey dey them two cars fit no pass fifteen thousand naira each wey this two idiots done cause traffic wey long reach Jerusalem)

Iv-tec- OK! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Murano- Ehn! Why the hell do you want to know who I am, so you can come and rob me at night abi?

(but chairman na you done dey ask the guy make you tell am who you be since now the guy done ask you you come dey call am thief na wa for you oh)

Iv-tec- please do not talk to me with your dirty stinking mouth that you have not brushed since you were born you wretched hermaphrodite

Murano- Na your mama be Hermaphrodite

Iv-tec- My Mother Hermaphrodite? As a matter of fact your mama na 50 cent

Murano- My mama 50 cent? Your mama na B.I.G

(na so this two agbaya go argue from morning till night causing a hell load of traffic and wetin dey pain me pass be say person no go still know who them be with all the mouth wey dem don dey make since morning. Everything na format)

WETIN BE THAT THING? (WHAT IS THAT THING)

My people there is this question I have always pondered and I am hoping you guys would be able to give me a succinct answer to this question of mine. Let me give you a scenario. You see, there are some times whereby my old man go just they vex for no apparent reasons, the guy go just they form activity for the whole house and woe betide that person that falls into his trap that period. However what baffles me is the sudden transformation he makes back into sanity when one particular factor comes in

Sasuke- Daddy good morning, you promised to give me my pocket money during the course of the week and I was hoping I could get it today.

Mr. Uchiha- pocket money! Pocket money! What for? When I was going to school my parents never gave me pocket money, I had to tap rubber to pay for my school fees. I don’t know what is wrong with you children of nowadays.

Sasuke- but daddy you promised and moreover I can’t go to school to starve.

Mr.Uchiha- See this umpa loompa telling me he can’t go to school to Starve. Come on get out of my sight before I swallow you.

(I would grumble to my mother)

Sasuke- mummy, daddy doesn’t want to give me pocket money oh! ehn! Me I would carry generator and go and sell now, when NEPA takes light heat would wound you people ehn!

Mrs Uchiha- come on! You would do no such thing by the way, why did he say he is not giving you pocket money?

Sasuke- He said he tapped rubber to pay his fees and so I should do the same.

Mrs Uchiha- What! He can’t be serious. Tell you what leave him to me I would talk to him for you.

Sasuke- Mommy please do if not, no more generator in this house oh!

Mrs Uchiha- Abeg commot from here jare.

(behold, I enter my parents room the following morning only to see my dad in a happier mood)

Mr Uchiha- Sasuke my darling son. How much did you say you want for your pocket money?

Sasuke-twenty thousand naira sir

Mr. Uchiha- Here is thirty thousand naira. You are a man you have to learn how to manage. The driver would go and drop you in school on Saturday ok?

Sasuke- Thank you Daddy (Bloggers your confusion is as good as mine oh as here is a man who told me a day ago to go and tap rubber for pocket money giving me an extra ten thousand naira on the pocket money I asked for.so this brings me to the million dollar question. Abeg wetin be that thing wey momsy don give popsy chop? But whatever it is sha I sure hope my future wife can give me some of that mood changing delicacy. 4 real)

its your boy! Sasuke