The Labyrinth

DRUNKEN BLUES

2008-08-06T02:40:00.000-07:00

Take one beer for my head now, take one beer for my head oh! Ewu! I for done marry oh ogogoro na you cause am oh! I for done marry ogogoro na you cause am oh!.

Bloggers it is not easy oh! But come to think of it, what exactly do people gain from getting high? The thing tire me self. Do not get me wrong I have not come here to preach to you guys because its almost too certain that I might end up with a drink before the day ends (very funny guys I certainly would'nt consider myself an alcoholic but pardon me if I indulge myself once in a while).

I grew up around people that drink and so it was all too easy for me to endear my self to the colored bottles (I prefer green by the way). I guess I had my first drink in J.S.S 3 or thereabout (I bet some of you even started earlier than I did…lol). Anyways drinking for me was one thing and getting high was another. Most of my alcoholic friends used to tell me that I simply never got high because I never took beyond my limits.The irony of the matter however is that, I never actually got the chance of knowing what my limit was as I only stopped consuming whenever I noticed I was getting full (the same feeling you get when you consume food). Usually, the ritual for me after such consumption is to go to the loo, pee and burp like someone with no good home training. Excuse me for a sec.'BUURRRRP' yes! that feels so much better (and i do have good toilet manners except when drunk of course...lol)

My inability to get high made me try a whole load of unconventional stuff like ‘Shekpe’ (roots dipped in gin) and some brand of native spirits. Somehow I guess these weren’t my thing as I just didn’t feel their steez. Anyways I soon started experimenting more on spirits and all of a sudden I started to get a hang of this stronger brand of drinks. Little did I know that I was starting the journey towards getting FUCKED UP. Anyhoos! Follow me as I take you on this journey of discovery.

Sometime during the month of July my cousin had decided to throw a party to celebrate his birthday. We had decided to throw the party in the house so as avoid cost and also create and environment for people to loose it ‘Fi le’ (leave it). My cousin and I rushed off to the Palms to get drinks for the party (ehn! Did I hear anybody say Awoof? You better not.)

Anyhoos we got a couple of drinks and started heading back home as our guests were already arriving. On our way home I noticed a supermarket and decided to still splurge some money on spirits. I went in and ordered for a brand recommended by a friend.

Sasuke- Madam! Please can I have a bottle of Absolute?

Madam- sure which one do you want the 40% or 50%

With a smirk on my face

Sasuke- madam, give me both.

I picked up the bill and made my way back to the car. In about ten minutes we were already home. I jumped out of the car with the drinks and rushed off to take a shower. after taking a shower I got into my 'kaks' (clothes) and made my way to the palour to set up the Gbedu ( na me be Dj una one try?)

Cousin- Sasuke we’ve been waiting on you abeg set up the deck

Sasuke- on it oh!

30 minutes later the party done dey rock. I had a bottle of shine-shine bobo with me as I spun the tracks. The party people were already sipping easy (nothing do us).

An hour later I can gladly tell you that there was no more lady or gentleman in the house plus I was almost through with my third bottle of shine shine (me I no be gentleman at all). Chics were grinding bobo’s like they were pepper. Na today! I got up from my seat and made my way to the kitchen to get the bottle of Absolute. I got a mini glass, made my way back to my seat and poured myself a drink. My eyes were watery as the first shot hit rock bottom ‘AKAMABOSA!!’

A chic came to pull me from my seat and I was soon ‘lorileing’ away. Ehn! Who dem be? Who born monkey give am pomo? Fi le. Gba be, She be! First I want to dance with you pere, omo ma lo ro kpe mo kere (another shot of vodka hit the dust) Gongo Aso otu pa oh! anywhere I dey Haba! Their papa left testicles (another shot of vodka greeted my throat)

I was rocking away with no dignity. I honestly do not know how many shots of vodka I took but all I can remember is that I had my shirt off and was harassing my tipsy dance partner voraciously.

I do not really understand if it was the dancing that didn’t make me feel the effect of the vodka instantly but I soon started getting the slightest hint that I was FUCKED when a friend asked me to escort her to get a cab at the junction.

Bubu- Sasuke please could you escort me to the junction to get a cab?

Sasuke- alrrrigggght noooo wahaaalla.

Bubu- Sasuke are you ok?

I wonder why she be dey ask me this jamb question. Shey she no dey see the answer for my eye ni?

Sasuke- Bubu don’t worry I am ok lets go (walking her to the door)

Bubu- Sasuke where are you going to without your shirt?

Sasuke- my shirt, what shirt? My friend I am fully dressed can’t you see? ( clutching my self in the process. Oh! boy I no wear cloth true true oh!)

Sasuke- okay hold on a minute ( I rushed of the the seater to get my shirt)

Sasuke- Oya! lest grow

Bubu- Sasuke are you high?

Sasuke- what nonstence is zis do I look highhh?

Bubu- Sasuke you are high

Sasuke- I am snot high

Bubu- let me get your cousin so you do not go and sleep in the gutter on your way back

Sasuke- na yous go skip gutter

She dashes back into the house and comes out with my cousin

Cousin- (giggling) oya lets go’

Bloggers as we descended the staircase if una see the way I take hold my cousin. im be like say the ground dey come meet me

Cousin- Sasuke was wrong with you abi you wan fall me?

Sasuke- Baba no vex im be like say I done gas out for the one wey I dey so

My cousin and Bubu both burst out laughing

Sasuke- Yes I admit it I am fucked abeg I no dey form na una hand I dey now

We got to the junction and started waiting for a taxi. I immediately saw a cars light in the distance and started waving frantically shouting on top of my eyes Taxi! Taxi! Taxi! I could see from the corner of my eye that my cousin and Bubu were not trying to stop the cab. I started jumping and waiving to attract the car.

Bubu and my cousin start laughing frantically.

Cousin- Sasuke na wha for you oh! shey you know fit see say na Camry 2008 you dey stop as taxi!

Bubu finally got a cab some minutes later. Bloggers na when me and my cousin dey waka go house na im I come realize say assuming say na only me escort Bubu come find taxi e for too sure say na inside gutter I for sleep that night.

Sasuke- Baba thanks oh! For escorting me.

Cousin- (laughing) no lele

Bloggers I bet you can already figure how the rest of my night went. Lots of vomiting and headache. All in the name of getting high. God punish Absolute. but that one no mean say if una get parri make una no invite me sha. Oya! take one beer for my head now, take one beer for my head oh!

Watch out for part 2

PS- Una no even ask me wetin do the second bottle of Absolute? people dey drink shaaaaa!!

Its your Boy Sasuke

THE MIRACLE

2008-07-03T07:15:00.000-07:00

I was arranging my room and taking stock of my clothing inventory sometime last week when I ran across some of my old university pics. I couldn’t help but marvel at how few of them I had in my possession. Well! It wasn’t like I took so many pictures and then developed a habit of giving them out; it was more of the fact that I hardly used to take pictures. I just was never up for it plus there was also the extra perk of having to pay to collect them pics. Maybe if taking pictures were for free I would probably have wall draped my room with images of my happy self (but as them come dey pay nko?).

The average photographer’s customers back in school were usually girls. I do not know whether it stems from a girls superficiality or what not but boy! Do women love to take pictures. For some, it’s like a ritual of looking into the mirror. (dem no dey use eye see wetin get flash even if them dey shit and you enter toilet with camera dem go wan say cheese). So you can imagine how much money these photographers used to make daily from the female population and I am sure if they had their way them for no mind if every body for the school be woman.

The photographers stand in my School was one that attracted different categories of girls. The fine, The beautiful, The cute, The Sexy, The Okay, The Poyo(These are the people ugliness pecked), The wowo ( these are the ones Ugliness Kissed), The Poyoyo (These are the ones ugliness made love to) and then the unmistakable Atutupoyoyo ( these are the ones Ugliness raped violently).

Now a photographer’s job is one that I have admired in a long while. You see Bloggers these people have seen it all and taken it all. As a matter of fact I feel a photographer should be one of the greatest liars as well as one of the best secret keepers in the world. Bloggers please I want you all to give a round of applause for the photographer because them too try. Do you know the level of concentration it takes for a photographer to focus his camera lens on an individual whose looks could shatter the focus of the camera? or better still do you know the level of mantra a photographer has to chant before telling an ugly looking girl to smile at the camera? coupled with the fact that he has to say 'Fine girl say cheese...naaaaa'. Na only photographer go see monkey call am dove. (Bloggers abeg which way now! the photographer whayo don too much..e too muuuuuccchhh!!!) and what worsens the case is that these individuals want multiple shots of themselves taken. How the photographer no go sweat? Most baffling of it all is that in luring his customers the photographer would say things like ‘sssssssss… Picture for the fine girl’ or ‘Sweet Babe come take picture now’. Its so annoying when you find these so called wowo girls responding to his advertisement. This is the way I see it Bloggers, if I dey waka with Leonardo Dicaprio and one yeye photographer say ‘sssssss… Fine man come and take picture’ I no go even do like person wey hear because I know say na Leonardo d man dey call no be me. ( Shewwwww!! person dey respect im self for this life oh! most especially when person no wan make them use soap papez am)

These photographers go see person wey wowo and them no go fit tell am say ‘ Madam I no sure say this picture go commot well oh!’ but because of money wey dem wan make dem go take the picture. Make I nak una wan tori wey happen when I dey school.

Sasuke- Chuks hurry up oh! I want to get breakfast

Chuks –Sasuke chill immediately I am done brushing we would head up

In another 10- 15minutes we were on our way to the cafeteria to get a fix

Sasuke- Chuks! I ran into that Sylvia girl in the library

Chuks- what happened did you tell her the 411?

Sasuke- How now! The environment wasn’t conducive for busting

Chuks- the earlier you start that girls job the better for you oh! cos there are quite a number of Hyenas on her case

Sasuke- Na today! Nothing like a little competition my brother

Sasuke- Chuks please arrange the drinks while I get the food

Chuks- No doubt

In another 8 minutes we where at our table munching away

Sasuke – Chuks that reminds me, I need to get to the bank

Chuks- Yeah! Me too

Sasuke- I guess we can do that after our meal

Chuks- no lele now

15minutes later we were on our way out of the cafeteria and heading to take a bus to the bank. All of a sudden Chuks started poking me violently in the ribs

Chuks- Sasuke come see this babe oh!

Sasuke- Which babe, where she dey?

Chuks- she dey go under JT Stand (pointing me to the direction of the girl)

Bloggers this girl wey I see falls under the unmistakable category. Her gait and demeanor clearly showed that someone or something had ticked her off

Girl-JT what the hell is this? I can’t pay you for this picture you have taken

JT- why now? Wetin do the picture wey you no go fit pay me?

Na this place the girl for fuck up

Girl- JT I can’t pay you oh! look, I am not looking fine in this picture

Chuks and I exchanged a puzzled look (Opabie-oh! which kind temptation be this for this early mor-mor. E be like say this girl think say she be Tyra banks)

JT- Ah! you no fit talk say you no go pay me oh!

Girl- I said I am not paying you a dime. Look at the kind of rubbish you took.

By this time people had gathered as a result of the ensuing raucous

Girl- JT I said I am not paying you a dime and there is nothing you can do about it.what nonsense is this?

Bloggers I think una understand where my tori dey go because the thing clear say this girl wan put hand inside tortoise yansh

JT- Which kind friction be dis ?Make una come see me see wahala oh! how you go say you no go pay me my money abi person tell you say I be magician? No be the thing wey I see I go snap? which kind miracle you wan make i perform? if na fine girl i for even hear word. You con come here dey tell me say na rubbish picture I take. Na you be the rubbish dat na why the picture no gree commot well. yeye

Bloggers me and Chuks wan laugh kill ourselves make una see how person dey use soap take rub herself. well I still blame the photographer because if im done tell the girl say ‘Sister I for like make you go meet another photographer wey get Photoshop make im snap you because me I no get’

On a lightest note concerning this wowo issue, im get one guy wey one of my friend yab. For my life I never hear wowo yab wey potent reach this one. I just want to share this with you guys.

I was in my room playing Pro-evolution soccer with a couple of friends and usually at such times the room is always filled with players and spectators so technically I sort of had a full house. It is usually at this point that boys are at their nastiest best with their tongues. In other words it is at such times that boys yab or stroke the hell out of one another.

Well, we had been trash talking for like an hour and unconventionally decided to take a break and just focus on the game. Bloggers na so one of our paddy wey dem dey call Emeka and the guy dey the wowo category enter room start to dey bone. (Apparently, he had misplaced his room key and was searching for it frantically) Normally this guy wowo, to come dey bone again come shift am enter the category of poyoyo. He started ransacking the room and cursing under his breath.

Meanwhile im get one of my friends called Sula. He had the nastiest mouth of us all. Sula had had been studying Emeka keenly from the bed he lay. All of a sudden he sat up and sarcastically launched a well rounded yab at Emeka.

Sula- ‘Emeka! Wetin Happen Now? Why you dey vex, Abi you go look mirror again?

The tranquility existing in the room was broken into smithereens with laughter.

Abeg if you have ever heard a wowo yab hotter than this please holla

It’s your boy Sasuke

NEVER FELT SO STUPID!!

2008-06-17T09:34:00.000-07:00

A drought is defined to be a long period of dry weather or any prolonged shortage. Many of us must have experienced a drought in one part of our lives or the other. It could be a drought in our finances, academics, physical fitness, relationship, job and many more. We often feel like a piece of worn out shit during this period as we wonder why the regular just isn’t happening for us and we are just too keen to see that bright colored cloud with a silver lining signaling the end of the drought.

At moments like this we just wish the world could just stand still while we screamed our lungs out. The long and short is that we just feel like a 9inch rod has just been shoved up our arse.

I got a whiff of this drought in my second year at the university. Yours truly experienced a drought and this was no ordinary drought. It was a drought most nightmares were made out of, most especially if you considered yourself a stud (anyone who has seen 40days and 40nights should already have an inkling to what kind of drought I faced but for those slow coaches who still haven’t caught up, well this drought just happened to blow into my sexual life. Hold your horses for a second! No! I wasn’t temporarily impotent neither did I experience any form of bizarre speech flaw when chatting up the ladies, I definitely didn’t loose my taste and touch in women and neither was I under any form of oat not to get screwed till a particular date.

Bloggers the koko is or was that I just wasn’t and couldn’t get anyone to shag. Tough luck! I know.

My session ended on a low note and I made a resolve (unlike my 40 days and 40 nights bud, Josh Hartnet to ‘Chop’ (nak oh sorry screw) at least three different chics before the end of the holidays. (People dey resolve to get money, build house, buy motor but my own na to chop sorry nak sorry screw 3 different chics. Na wa for me oh! but as dat one come be my challenge nko?) anyhoos abeg make una follow me see how this my tori end.

Sasuke- Hello! Skida , wetin dey now?

Skida- Baba I dey oh! how runs now?

Sasuke- Runs tight but that no be why I call you. Skida I get one big katakata

(I guess you all would be wondering why I chose to share my problems with Skida? You see Skida is what I would love to call a woman magnet. He has the knack of surrounding himself with a quality amount of women and most importantly he was the only person that could get me the hell out of my predicament)

Skida-Ehn! Why you come call me?

Sasuke- Skida I never ‘chop’ (not had sex) for the past six months.

Skida- wetin you mean say you never chop? Abi una no get food for house?

Sasuke- Skida stop being sarcastic. Wetin I dey try talk be say I never ‘chop’ woman for the past six months. 'Congi' wan kill me for here all my balls done full throw way.

(Skida bursts out laughing)

Skida- Sasuke you no go kill me. ok! Wetin you wan make I do for you?

Sasuke- Meen Skida no bi laffing matter be this oh! I would love if you could hook me up with one of your numerous girlfriends.

Skida- You done turn me to your personalized pimp abi?

Sasuke- Skida you won’t understand. I am running fucking low on ‘Grags’ (confidence) and I need a boost fast.

Skida- My guy! Ok I understand I go hook you up. lets hook up on Saturday

Sasuke- Skida abeg I don’t want a date oh! no bi the one wey I go dey speak plenty Ngbati-Ngbati. I just want to get back in form

Skida- just come for weekend.

Sasuke- Ok I hear you. I go show for weekend.

I gladly made my way to Skida’s house the following weekend and true to his reputation he had two females in his company. I sized both of them up to decide which would be my quarry for the coming weeks. My eyes settled on the lighter of the two chics. She had a mouth shaped like the top of an apple plus she was coca cola fitted (head banging!). I was so happy to know she was the one Skida was hooking me up with.

Skida- Coke meet my friend Sasuke

Coke- hello!

Sasuke- hi there

Coke and I got our chemistry going instantly (I must say I am very easy to like). We chatted like we had meet for ages. Skida and I decided to take the girls out for a drink to loosing any form of rigidity ( if ya’ll know what I mean nothing like a little alcohol to help keep things in perspective). Before we settled with our drinks I pulled Skida aside for a brief chat.

Sasuke- Nice one Skida. thanks for the 'through pass' (hook up)The girl set die

Skida- anything for my guy. You sha know as we dey do am?

Sasuke- nothing do you jare! But wait oh!

Skida- wetin be that again?

Sasuke- Guy you know say na ‘Chop’ I just wan Chop I no want any relationship steez oh!

Skida- wetin you mean?

Sasuke- what I am trying to ask is, you sure say the girl dey chop? make i know the status before i go 'Te ori si' ( put head inside). because desperate times call for equally desperate measures.

Skida- Yes now! and which one be the desperate times and desperate measures talk abi you wan rape person ?

Sasuke- how now! ok you done chop am before?

Skida- Noooooooooo!

Sasuke- Ok! You know anybody wey done chop am?

Skida – Nooooooooo!

Sasuke- then how the hell you take come know say she dey ‘chop’

Skida- Baba free me jare abi which kind jamb question you come dey ask me? Shey after I give you woman na me go still come give you prick wey you go use take nak am ni ?

Sasuke- no vex now I just wan dey sure.

Skida- guy lets just go inside finish our drinks and then see if we can make it rain on that drought of yours.

We made our way to the bar and ordered very potent brands. Two hours later we made our back to Skida’s pad to go and ‘do the do’. We both entered different rooms with our girls. Before I could say Jack Robinson I was already hearing soundtracks from the room beside my own (bad guy Skida no dey waste time at all). This provided the ambience I needed to lunge my own attack.

Coke and I started kissing and grinding like people that didn’t have good home training. With our lips still locked I had both out shirts off in a jiffy and the thrill of melons rubbing against my bare chest left a furnace in my john. (Chei! I am going to wound someone’s child today). We crashed on the bed with her landing ontop of me. She had a pair of jeans on and so did I. My hands were trailing every nook and cranny of her tight body.

I flipped to my side systematically maneuvering her underneath me. On top and in control I released the clasp of her bra and her breasts poured out in anger at this point the heat coming from my briefs could be compared with that of the sun ( scorching).I engaged her ‘bobi’ sorry breasts immediately. She started yelping (very good sign). Bloggers at this junture una guy done go no bi small.

She held my hands as I reached down to yank off her jeans. (Make this pikin stop this rough play if na joke because I dey harsh for this matter oh! six months no be beans). I made another effort to take off the jeans but this time her hand be like clamp for my wrist (OKOKOKOKO! This babe wan put me for work sha! so this girl wan dey use old man play abi!). The war between my hands and her jeans were on. I started gaining an unfair advantage because of my dogged determination (I never nak for six months now! So how she wan take win the battle? Una for see as I take dey hustle like person wey never nak before.)

All of a sudden she held my face in her hands .

Coke- Wait!

Which kind wait be that abeg no time oh! I wan 'po-po d pa-pa' (cane sorry have sex)

Coke- Sasuke chill! We would do this but I just want to ask you one question?

Sasuke- Ok sure, what is it? (

The question wey this babe ask me had an instant cataclysmic effect on me as I no know the kind answer wey I wan give. Most annoying was the feeling i started to have after the question .

Coke- Sasuke ‘WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO IT?’

WHAAT DA HELL! Bloggers una no see the kind yeye question wey this mosquito dey ask me at this kind do or die hour? The kind bell wey ring for my head no bi small.

I lost all the sun and furnace sensation in my loins instantly. ‘why do I want us to do it’ how I for take answer the question? Maybe one way of answering that question could have been

1) you see my dear I haven’t had sex in the past six months and so I would like if you could just spare me that part of you that gives undeniable pleasure for a couple of minutes so I could get myself together again

2) ehm! After causing so much havoc in my anatomy for the past thirty minutes it would only be ladylike for you to charismatically finish what you have started.

3) You see there is an overwhelming sensation that we men experience in the peak of sex. Some men while experiencing that sensation would scream out ‘I WOULD BUY YOU AEROPLANE OHHHHHHH’ some might say ‘ YEPARIPA OHHHHHHHH!’ others would say ‘ I WOULD GIVE YOU THE WHOLE PLANET EARTHHHHHHHH’ but I would have just said ‘THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME MY FIRST CUM IN SIX MONTHHHHHSSSSSS!

Bloggers never in my life had I felt so stupid. I was fucked despite whatever answer I gave. So the best thing for me to do at that time was to pick up my shirt and work out with my shame. All I could mutter to console my self were these embarrasing words ‘ Why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it?’ ‘why do you want us to do it? 'why do i want to do it? abeg bloggers if una get answer wey i for fit give the girl abeg make una tell me.

Its your boy Sasuke

OZIGODO THE STUPID ONE!

2008-06-05T01:52:00.000-07:00

Yes! Babylet, Brotherlet, Kokolet, Sisterlet, Mamalet and Papalet. Your bloggerhood Friendly Sasuke is Back and as per say na new month I gast instill some new changes. Yes oh! Change is the only constant thing ‘e le pa mi’ (you can’t kill me). I have gone to the confines of Princesa’s blog to get the ever handy visitor detection spray. Yes for all you that come to my site without leaving a comment na FEEDJIT (I just pray I don’t have to feed the darn thing) go Fleet all of una because monkey no go dey work may Baboon dey chop in this modern era of ours. Feedjit has now become my gateman Mukaila anybody wey do anyhow, go see anyhow. On a lighter note abeg no be shout I dey shout na beg I dey beg make una dey try leave comment but for all those who do I want to say a big thank you once more for all your support.

Now for the Post of the day.

Stupidity is a vice most rational humans try to avoid because it stinks like a public toilet. No sane person likes the feeling attached to being labeled stupid or better still no right thinking person likes to find his or herself in a stupid situation (trust me the thing dey pain like say person put yansh untop 12 dozen ‘Unsafety pins’ ‘if you get my drift’).To buttress my point how come most confrontations start when one of the party involved asks the other ‘Are you trying to make me feel stupid or what?’ Slap and heavy blow wan follow be that if the other party no fit provide good answer.

The annoying thing is that however hard you try to avoid associating yourself with this vice it just has its annoying way of finding you out. I know a lot of us have experienced one stupid situation at one point in our lives and at such point, you almost will the ground to open up and put you out of your shame. However, I must commend most of us that even make the conscious effort to try to avoid the ‘Soapy’ vice. To some other people stupidity has become a very profitable virtue as a matter of fact na this kin people for Yoruba them they call ‘Ode’ for Benin dem dey call them ‘Ozwor’ For Igbo dem they call them ‘Onyezuzu or Oluku’ for Hausa dem go say ‘Dan iska’ then for English we know them as ‘fools’ or better put ‘BIG FOOLS’.

One of my acquaintance in Secondary School was one of such character (if you notice I no call am my friend make una no talk say birds of the same feather flock together). I never see person wey foolish reach Ozigodo as he was popularly called then. Make I nak un this im tori so una go be the judge.

Ozigodo was a twenty something year old SS2 student. This guy old no bi small as a matter of fact when God dey create world and im say ‘Let there be water’ na Ozigodo be the first man wey start to dey fish. Bloggers this guy old.

It so happened that Ozigodo had feelings for a girl named Judith who was the SS1 hotie at that time. Ozigodo would bore us sick day in day out with tales of his feelings for the girl. He was love stoned. To be honest with you guys Ozigodo didn’t stand a chance of even commanding the girls’ attention as the guy ‘wowo’ (ugly) no be small. As a matter of fact ‘wowo’ (ugliness) stand for im back with broken bottle dey harass the guy ‘fine make I see if I no go chuk you bottle’. Realistically, he had no chance but trust boys now! We somehow made him forget about his facial handicap and spurred him on to make his feelings known to the girl. (We used to seek for activity like crazy so pardon us if we found a suitable scapegoat)

Sasuke- Ozigodo, Track this girl, she dey crase self who she be make she no gree for you?

Coco- Guy if she no gree, use seniority for am she must gree.

Ozigodo- Shewwww! As a fine boy! Make una leave the girl that one na small thing.

( Chei!! see this Lepricon dey call himself fine boy)

The unexpected D-Day came about some few weeks later. Eleven of us had assembled at our favorite hang-out spot to observe our lunch break. Ozigodo was still in his usual love stoned mood.

Ozigodo- ‘Men! I just dey crase for that Judith girl. If the girl fit marry me I go too happy. Una no see how the babe fine for face come set for body…. ololololo!!!’.

(He would do a jig while caressing the ironing board pillar like he had Judith in his arms)

Like say God one put an end to the drama, we saw Judith walking towards us.

Sasuke- ‘Ozigodo na your chance be this try control the girl at least she no go fit form where we dey. Abeg no dull up.

Coco- ‘Yes Ozigodo just call am come this zone’

Abraski- Nothing do you Ozed. Just follow the babe ‘word’ (talk). I swear she go jell’.

Ozigodo- ‘Una say make I call am? How I look?’

Chorus- Call am!!!

Bloggers it was a catastrophe already waiting to happen I swear to toast woman no be one day job oh!

At this time Judith had gotten to where we sat. Ozigodo immediately called out to her and as she approached us (Bloggers as im open im mouth Hiroshima and Nagasaki were bombed once again).

Ozigodo- HELLO JUDITH! WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

Before the girl even fit answer all our lunch done fall for floor as we all busted out laughing. ‘Chei! Ozigodo done ‘Pot Black ball’ oh! (Ozigodo don fuck up) Make una see this yeye boy when no gree allow person rest with im ‘Judith this, Judith dat’ the babe done come now you dey ask for name wey you just call am. Which Kind Parus be dis one? Bloggers make una see me see trouble. Abi na force to toast woman?

Judith walked off pissed. The poor girl probably thought it was a setup not knowing Ozigodo was just being his usual stupid self. Abeg make una help me say ‘BIG FOOL’

I done Jam people for this world wey I come. Watch out for part two

MY QUIRKS

This quirking or quacking of a thing! Well who am I to refuse to take the tag- baton passed to me by Darkelcee and Mommy well here it goes.

1) I have a lip-licking fetish- I lick my lips anywhere, anytime and anyhow. I think the only time I don’t indulge in this habit is when I am asleep (I aint even sure about that. my tongue could still be keeping them moist while I sleep). I picked up the habit in secondary school and it is one I am finding very hard to loose.

2) I have a Fetish for Boxer shorts- Nothing excites me more than a fresh pair of boxers. Honestly I don’t know why. My family has already caught up on this my fetish. Anytime someone travels I am usually the one to end up with the most amount of briefs and here is the weird part: I LIKE IT!!!!

3) I got a large amount of birthmarks on my goods- honestly I don’t know the significance (maybe it purifies the ladies, I don’t know!, maybe I would be a Father of many nations, I don’t know! ‘and I do practice it safe when I bang pelvises’).its quite a large amount I have going for me down there. A chick counted them for me once and it was like fifteen.

4) I am a Rock freak- nothing gets me going more than a good dose of rock. Now here is a secret guys ‘I have often fantasized listening to Coldplay on a drive back from dinner with that special person’. 3doors down, Red hot chill peppers, Keane, Moby, 12Stones, Greenday, Wheatus, Hinder, Linkin Park, Stained. I love the whole lot.

5) I like nice feminine lips- On a physical front there is a 50% chance I would be on a babes case if she has the lip thing going for her. I once dated a girl and couldn’t kiss her cause she didn’t have the kind of lips I could kiss. Poor girl, she didn’t even know. kind of made up by pecking her alot ‘heinous’ I know.

6) I am a die hard Arsenal Fan- I guess most of you know this fetish already

I hereby tag any untagged blogger. Let’s hear your quirk.

It’s your boy Sasuke.

CHEI! MY OWN DONE BE FOR BLOGSVILLE!

2008-06-03T02:46:00.000-07:00

Yes I have finally done it. E done happen.The Gongo as so oh! My own done finally be! My people na untop my knees I dey like the prodigal son ( I know follow pig chop sha) dey beg una say ABEG MAKE UNA NO VEX. Men I can’t believe I haven’t even been on my blog for close to if not more than 2 months. Sasuke! Which kind beans you wak self? Princesa God Bless you many many many times because if no be you, personal issues done almost make me forget all my friends for blogsville as a matter of fact one big Gbosa for you. GBOSA!!!

Men Guys at this juncture e for too sweet me if to say I fit blow una one big lie wey go fit justify my stupendous absence from blogsville but even at that the only lie wey fit commot for my mouth na say I travel (but abeg una go ask me if where I travel go they no dey get internet for the place? Even villages done they get internet). Therefore, I won’t even bother lying so as not to pounce, trounce and bounce on your indefatigable, inconstruable, unfathomable, unequivocal and uncomparable level of intelligence ( I hope say I never curse anybody with this my big- big dictionary)

The truth is that I had a lot going for me academically and psychologically. Academically in the sense that una Sasuke they try pursue runs for im masters and so I have been shuttling week in week out from Benin, Ibadan and Lagos and as such I can’t even manage my time well enough to give you guys a shout (once more abeg make una no vex na small pikin dey do me)

On the psychological front I guess I just got bored and nonchalant (don’t get me wrong its not like I ran out of gist and everything its just that I think I got tired of giving them. Weird abi?)

For all you guys who have shown your numerous support I want to say a big thank you. You guys are the best ( Darkelcee sorry I couldn’t meet your may deadline) Afrobabe, Uzezi, Queen of my castle,30+, Solomonsdellye, Olamild, sting, omosewa, allied, Princesa, Fantasy Queen and every other person that has shown love and support. God go bamboozle una with blessings.i just want you guys to know that I appreciate ya’ll a lot and if not for you guys I wouldn’t even be here in blogsville.

So In atonement for my impetus I would spend the best part of this week visiting everybody’s blog so as to catch up on the amazing things that have been happening in your beautiful life. Thanks for your support once more I remain indebted to you guys.

NOW I AM BACK BADDER AND LOVING IT.

its your boy, Sasuke

THE ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” SYNDROME

2008-04-10T03:16:00.000-07:00

It is a well known fact that in the world over everybody wants to be somebody. Little wonder why some people spend countless number of their time and resources trying to upgrade themselves so that they can be a force to reckon with in whatever field of endeavor they find themselves and in the society at large. Nobody wants to be a nobody. Basically, what’s the point of existing and not being able to apply some measure of influence on ones environment? In truth it sucks not to be reckoned with plus there is also a very big chance of being oppressed in the process. No wonder our parents in the process of bringing us up would always do everything in their power to equip us with those tools that would put us with the sphere of societal relevance.

However, this disease to be somebody has become something much of an obsession as people no longer have a sense of who they really are. Titles, degrees and awards are now peoples first and last names. The most obvious of peoples obsession for being noted a somebody can be noticed in the commercial roads and streets of Nigeria (lagos most especially). Let me create a typical ‘Do you know who I am’ scene for you.

(Noisy Lagos road with pedestrians and commuters trying to make their way through the dense traffic. People shouting and cursing at each other while those that have the luxury of having an ‘Oye pumping’ car (air conditioned) just chill listening to what the radio has available for them. All of a sudden all hell breaks loose as a murano trying to come out of junction runs into an iv-tec. Both evenly dressed drivers jump out of their cars for a face-off)

Murano- Are you blind or would you say you didn’t see me coming out the junction?

Iv-tec- How the hell would you be asking me that stupid question. Didn’t you see me coming?

(but guys if una no see each other is that not the more reason why una suppose get accident? Make una see jamb questions wey this two mumu dey ask each other)

Murano- You are are an excommunicated baboon for asking me if I didn’t see you. Didn’t common sense tell you that you are supposed to clear well when approaching a T junction

Iv-tec- Me an excommunicated baboon! You are just a half point two percent bastard. Instead of you to beg you are trying to claim right.

(Bloggers this iv-tec guy done make mistake as im take tell the murano guy make im beg oh! because the kakatakata wan just set now)

Murano- Beg you, for what! Who the hell are you by the way? A whole me should beg you? By the way how much does this Belgium you are driving around calling a car cost? As a matter of fact, ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

IV-tec- My car, Belgium! Do not try to harass anybody with your status here as a matter of fact, ‘DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM TOO’?

Murano- Who the bloody hell are you ehn? Who is your Father? You drunk idiot. I asked you a question and so you better mind the way you talk to me (now getting into the other mans face like he wants to do something) DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM!!!

(Bloggers meanwhile the damage wey dey them two cars fit no pass fifteen thousand naira each wey this two idiots done cause traffic wey long reach Jerusalem)

Iv-tec- OK! WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Murano- Ehn! Why the hell do you want to know who I am, so you can come and rob me at night abi?

(but chairman na you done dey ask the guy make you tell am who you be since now the guy done ask you you come dey call am thief na wa for you oh)

Iv-tec- please do not talk to me with your dirty stinking mouth that you have not brushed since you were born you wretched hermaphrodite

Murano- Na your mama be Hermaphrodite

Iv-tec- My Mother Hermaphrodite? As a matter of fact your mama na 50 cent

Murano- My mama 50 cent? Your mama na B.I.G

(na so this two agbaya go argue from morning till night causing a hell load of traffic and wetin dey pain me pass be say person no go still know who them be with all the mouth wey dem don dey make since morning. Everything na format)

WETIN BE THAT THING? (WHAT IS THAT THING)

My people there is this question I have always pondered and I am hoping you guys would be able to give me a succinct answer to this question of mine. Let me give you a scenario. You see, there are some times whereby my old man go just they vex for no apparent reasons, the guy go just they form activity for the whole house and woe betide that person that falls into his trap that period. However what baffles me is the sudden transformation he makes back into sanity when one particular factor comes in

Sasuke- Daddy good morning, you promised to give me my pocket money during the course of the week and I was hoping I could get it today.

Mr. Uchiha- pocket money! Pocket money! What for? When I was going to school my parents never gave me pocket money, I had to tap rubber to pay for my school fees. I don’t know what is wrong with you children of nowadays.

Sasuke- but daddy you promised and moreover I can’t go to school to starve.

Mr.Uchiha- See this umpa loompa telling me he can’t go to school to Starve. Come on get out of my sight before I swallow you.

(I would grumble to my mother)

Sasuke- mummy, daddy doesn’t want to give me pocket money oh! ehn! Me I would carry generator and go and sell now, when NEPA takes light heat would wound you people ehn!

Mrs Uchiha- come on! You would do no such thing by the way, why did he say he is not giving you pocket money?

Sasuke- He said he tapped rubber to pay his fees and so I should do the same.

Mrs Uchiha- What! He can’t be serious. Tell you what leave him to me I would talk to him for you.

Sasuke- Mommy please do if not, no more generator in this house oh!

Mrs Uchiha- Abeg commot from here jare.

(behold, I enter my parents room the following morning only to see my dad in a happier mood)

Mr Uchiha- Sasuke my darling son. How much did you say you want for your pocket money?

Sasuke-twenty thousand naira sir

Mr. Uchiha- Here is thirty thousand naira. You are a man you have to learn how to manage. The driver would go and drop you in school on Saturday ok?

Sasuke- Thank you Daddy (Bloggers your confusion is as good as mine oh as here is a man who told me a day ago to go and tap rubber for pocket money giving me an extra ten thousand naira on the pocket money I asked for.so this brings me to the million dollar question. Abeg wetin be that thing wey momsy don give popsy chop? But whatever it is sha I sure hope my future wife can give me some of that mood changing delicacy. 4 real)

its your boy! Sasuke

CROCODILE TEARS

2008-03-31T08:49:00.000-07:00

Bloggers, my sincere apologies for my undue absence from Blogville. The problem was that I had a little challenge with my laptop. The yeye thing just they act like say no be me use money take buy am. Can you imagine! Darkelcee, uzezi, mommy and errbody abeg make una no vex.

Anyways as Dbanj go talk am ‘no long thing, no long thing’. Yeah! I know it’s kinda late but a sincere heartfelt belated Easter greetings to everyone, hope you all had fun during the brief but needed break. My Easter was banging meeeen! I just they jolly and everything as a matter of fact enjoyment too much for me. it got so bad that I couldn’t wait for the holidays to be over. The many,many party, groove, jive, jams, butter, bread, sandwich you know ‘no long thing, no long thing’

People, I had fun really. However, there was a minor dent sorry major dent to my enjoyment spree and that was the loss of Arsenal to Chelsea. I wanna vex die! Which kin parus be this one? After placing a direct call the day before the match to Arsene Wenger and even promising the players an extra bonus if they win the match, ‘fuck shit’ those boys one give me heart attack. As a matter of fact I had to instruct that the whole team should not be fed. No wonder they performed well against Bolton this weekend. What the hell! Who born monkey give am banana? Stupid people, stupid people….pcheeewwwww. na mess go wound all of them if them no win this premier league.

Men my people make una no mind my outburst jare! I guess you are allowed to do that once in a while as a fan. I just hope I have not crossed the line into being labeled a fanatic because that would be way too over bearing. The thing is I have met quite a number of fanatics who are way over board the rationality line when it comes to supporting their various clubs.

I was at a viewing center once watching a match between Arsenal and another team (can’t remember which) when one overzealous Liverpool fan kept on taking pot shots at Thierry Henry

Liverpool Fan- See Igwe (nickname for Henry)I’m just dey play rubbish, old man, I’m no fit even score self, na so so shakara im sabi do. Yeye

Wetin this guy no talk finish about Henry, Person go think say the guy mama and Henry mama open shop for Isale Eko (A market in Lagos) together. Meanwhile some chairmen done dey seriously wait make first half finish make them go treat the guy fuck up. That Liverpool fan regretted his actions as he was summarised (Well Beaten) left right and center for not keeping a lead on his mouth.

I done see so many fanatical outburst from different kinds of football fans but none beats the story I am about to share with you.

I went to a tertiary institution where fighting or any form of violent outburst was seriously frowned at. The minimum punishment for an offender was expulsion and the maximum punishment was also expulsion but this is not to say people never fought as the beast always found its way out once in a while. Students would conjure ingenious ways of kpokporizing (Causing physical swellings with the fists) each other darning the consequences in the process.

My good friend Stin was one of those that had his temper on a short leash and no other thing could trigger his temper faster than an argument or insult against his favorite football club (Arsenal).

Stin and I had decided to go and watch a premier league match in the school cafeteria between Bolton Wanderers and Arsenal. We were both bubbling in high spirits.

Sasuke- Stin! you dey mad ni? she na now you just wan go baff when match na in 5mins

Stin- Sasuke no vex. I just say make I quick baff make I no go dey 'buzzala' (Serious stench) for that place

Sasuke- You done crase for head. Abeg spray 'sure' (deodorant) for your dirty armpit make we go watch the match jare!

Stin- Oya! Make we go…but if you use this incident say I no baff laff me ehn!

Sasuke- make we go

We got to the venue exactly as the match was about starting. Luckily for us two seats that had been reserved for us by a friend beside a boy wearing a Chelsea jersey (I honestly do not know why most club supporters don’t stick to watching the match of their clubs alone. If I am to watch a Manchester united, Chelsea or Liverpool match, I usually do it with the confines of my home where I know my audacious remarks would go unpunished).

We sat on our seats and started trash talking before we knew it Bolton done hammer us goal. Immediately the Chelsea fan that was sitting beside us (but closer to Stin) started jumping, yelling and making anti Arsenal remarks. We ignored the dude because we still believed that there was hope of us getting back into the match. Before we could say ‘Ojuelegba’ this people done romance the back of our net again 2-0. The Chelsea fan started his theatrics again.

Chelsea Fan- Arsenal una papa! Nothing for una today, see how common Bolton dey 'soap' (disgrace) una.

By this time Bloggers all my eye done they red as I could feel large amounts of violent adrenaline pumping through my veins ‘Baba God I know say you done send your son to sacrifice im life for us but abeg another one of your sons wan lay im own down today. Accept him as he comes’. At this juncture I noticed Stin tap me on the leg. He had his hands in his face and was muttering to me how much he wanted to inflict serious damage on the Chelsea dude.

Stin- Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!

Sasuke- Stin wetin?

Stin- Oh my God! Sasuke I wan control Q this boy (for those of us that have a PC abeg press the control button and letter Q to see the command)

Sasuke- Abeg Stin take am easy the guy done dey vex me too but you know say we done dey final year make devil no go use person.

Stin- GAWWWWD! I wan beat this guy (he was seriously clutching his face; the unsuspecting guy was oblivious to the fact that he was moments from getting his ass whooped! And that someone was interceding seriously on his behalf. He still kept on with his rants)

Like God wanted to give us something to cool off on, Arsenal scored a goal making us 2-1 down. Stin relaxed a bit.

Second half started and our boys played with so much vigor and finesse that we could almost taste an equalizer. We kept on cheering the boys on and just out of the blues Bolton pulled a fast break and scored the third goal some minutes before full time. The Chelsea boy jumped with glee and started thrash talking again. This time it was even worse. I was heartbroken and angry at the same time but I knew there was nothing I could do about the later except pray that the boy accidentally stepped on my shoes so that I could dial my Mum’s number on his face with the hope that it enters voice mail so I could redial it again (i wan slap the boy be that).

The useless Chelsea fan didn’t stop with his teasing oh! Maybe he was doing it to incense Stin and I the more because the idiot was sitting close to Stin who was wearing an Arsenal Jersey. Well as the saying goes ‘ he who keeps knocking on the devils door might one day receive the answer he has been looking for’

Chelsea Fan- All Arsenal fans wey wear jersey come here, shame go make una commot the jersey wey una wear today.

That was the straw that broke the camels back my dear Bloggers. Wetin I see and hear next my mouth no fit talk but as im be say na type I dey type I go fit write am. Stin a 25year old going 26 full grown adult with children (just joking on that) started crying like someone that did not have good home training and as im they cry na so im grab this boy start to dey 'Bluetooth' (Beat) the guy oh!

Stin- 'AH! AH! AH! Wetin Arsenal do you? ( Gbos, Gbas , Kpos, Gbi, Flying heading) I say wetin Arsenal do you? Sob, Sob, Sob… you don dey talk anyhow since for here, dey talk like person wey swallow radio' ( Gboga, Gboga, Gboooo, Kpakiti, Kpakiti) I say wetin Arsenal do you?

Chelsea fan- Chairman abeg! (Crying seriously)

Bloggers at this juncture I be no know wetin to do as the beater and the beated dey cry I no even know the person wey I wan tell sorry because it was quite difficult to differentiate the assailant from the victim. After about 10 mins we managed to wrestle the poor boy from Stin’s grip (I happy die with the bluetoothing. yeye Chelsea fan).

After the match Stin and I started making our way towards the hostel. I then decided to have a frank word with him about his childish actions and honestly you all wouldn’t believe the reply he gave me.

Sasuke- Stin you dey crase oh! im be like say you want make your parents money waste abi?

Stin- Sasuke leave that thing.

Sasuke- you dey tell me make I leave that thing abi, what if authorities come catch you as you dey reconfigure that boy?

Stin-Sasuke, how you take wan make I do am now? The boy done too talk and the thing done pain me so tey I no fit hold body again. I know say if I use clear eye beat the boy im fit go report me. Na im make I form cry like that so confusion no go fit make the boy go report and in case authorities catch us, dem go call am two fighting as dem no go fit know who dey beat who.

Bloggers can you now see the caliber of crazy people I have come in contact with in this world. Na only God go save person. Sorry once more for my absentia

Its your boy Sasuke

IT WAS ALL A DREAM!!!

2008-03-10T04:44:00.000-07:00

Bloggers I have a confession to make. I don try see how I go fit battle this disease but I guess its tentacles have sank too deep in me. Bloggers I wan confess…You see a confession of this magnitude is actually taking a lot of ‘grags’ on my part to say and so I am actually going through a lot to bear out to you folks a shame that hunts me so much it has become pure bliss to keep it.

Bloggers I say I wan confess because if I no confess yawa go gas. For the last time before the lastest time I say I want to spoke of that which makes my anatomy to do jigi- jigi, that which makes my temperature vu-vu-late, that which causes my blood pressure to ‘ja scale’ (break the scale). That which causes an osmosis when there is need for diffusion that which causes me to…to…to…to (e don do abeg! )

Bloggers I must confess, I am a FANATIC and the object of this my extreme affection is none other than the round leather game popularly known as soccer by the Americans and Football by the British and ARSENAL football club. As a matter of fact I kill, fight, bark, smooch… even kiss for the love of my club and the game. (When I say smooch and kiss, I mean members of the opposite sex ‘wink’)

I honestly can’t remember exactly when my romance with the round leather game began but all I can remember is that I really did some rather extreme things just to show my solidarity and love for the game. One memorable incident in my high school days comes to mind.

There was a very popular high staked you don’t want to miss football match that my friends and I had been preparing for all week. Tempers and anticipation were high all sorts of bets were being made by over eager soccer lovers, trash talking of all sorts. Ideally it was going to be one hell of a weekend. France versus Italy: European cup finals. It was one match I could not even dream about missing.

Like an unforeseen sea storm announcements were made a day before the match that the schools generator set would be due for repairs the following day which coincidentally happened to be the match day. Pandemonium and katakata where let loose because we all knew how handicap the local power was. Translation (Blackout)

Kelly- Sasuke men! This people don pot black ball oh!

Sasuke- For this town! That one na for their back pocket. No juju go stop me from watching that match.

Owen-Na so jare! but how we go take do am now?

Sasuke- Leave matter for Mathias, wetin go happen be say we go scale fence go watch the match for Base 2 (Base 2 was a popular viewing center)

We all decided to scale the school fence. On the appointed day, we numbered about 20 escapees. On getting to Base 2, it was packed to the brim. The match commenced at about 8pm or thereabout and boy! Was it worth the trouble.

France went on to lift the cup on that faithful day after which we all started making our way back towards school in groups of five. We got back to the school around 11.30pm. on getting to the school fence someone formed an ingenious plan which required all escapees to scale the school fence at the same time. Little did we know that that move would be our saving Ace as the school authorities had somewhat gotten to know about the migration and so the housemasters in company of some security men had stationed themselves in strategic sides of the school fence.

We all scaled the fence as planned only for us to hear shouts of the vigilantes behind us (popsy thanks for those Ben Johnson tapes) I was off like a light running at mad speed

Security- Stop! Stop, stop we know you people oh! No escape

(Which kind stop be that one, if you know fit catch me na go be that)

I took the connecting flight of stairs in rapid bounds luckily my room was first after the stairs. I flung myself on my bed and feigned deep sleep as well as my many comrades (or so I thought).

The room was as silent as a graveyard. It would be kind of hard to believe that 20 boys had just made their way in hastily without breaking the tranquility. The housemaster in company of the security men made their way in shortly after (When dem tell them make dem employ young security people dem go say na lie say na experience dem dey find. We go see how una go use experience catch who una they find)

I lay comatose on my bed despite the fact that my lungs were burning from the dash and then I heard one of the securities make a pronunciation that might turn out to be revealing.

Security- (Talking to the house master) Sir shine torchlight for their eye you go see say dem go dey panting from the run wey them run. (chei! which kind security be this one?)

Housemaster- Yes! Very good idea, oya! Start pointing the torch in their faces. We must fish them out. (I wish una good luck oh! but as for me, dead body no go fit compete)

The security and housemaster went from bed to bed pointing the beam in our faces looking for the first son of a gun to flinch or have an abnormal heart rate. They got to my bed side and I could feel the heat of the beam on my face but I systematically maintained status quo (How dem go catch me, after all the James bond film wey I don watch! Na lie!).

Everything was going smoothly until the housemaster and security arrived at the bed of one hyperactive fellow called Uwaifo. This guy was sweating and panting like someone that does not have good home training. The security on noticing the boys’ abnormality pointed him out to the housemaster who brought his cane down on the guys’ body. Uwaifo jumped off his bed looking genuinely confused

Security-we don catch one sir! See as im dey sweat

Housemaster- GET UP! GET UP! GET UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Uwaifo- (Really looking confused) Sir! Sir! Sir! Oh Sir!

House master- SHAARRRAAP! Your dirty stinking mouth.

Uwaifo- Sir, God bless you sir! Oh Sir I am very grateful, oh!

Housemaster-God bless me! God bless me! For what?

(What I heard next was the most brilliant lie ever conjured in the history of man as a matter of fact even devil gast stand up from im seat clap for the guy say im see person wey lie pass am)

Uwaifo- Sir, Sir, Sir, they wanted to kill me….they were chasing me…I was having a nightmare Sir and God used you to save my life. Thank you Sir, Thank you very much Sir for waking me up….Ah,Ah,Ah,Ah, Jesus, Jesus Jesus .

(Laff wan kill me for wey I lie down put. This boy go kill me for my mama)

The housemaster and security were both tongue tied as they did not know what to say or do. They later reported the case to the principal the following day but Uwaifo still stuck to his claims that the reason for his panting and sweating was because he was having a nightmare.

Bloggers but people dey lie oh! Some people lie go make devil ask himself ‘am I still king of liars? Me myself almost chop the lie self. Na only God go save us. Amen

It’s your boy Sasuke

SKELETON IN THE CLOSET

2008-02-28T00:26:00.000-08:00

First and foremost, I want to thank you guys for sending me your heart felt birthday wishes. I really appreciate and I must say, it was a very humbling experience to get messages from people that I only may know through cyberspace but I guess friends are not people only in close proximity but are people that might seem geographically handicap but are always there when you do and don’t need them. You all really impressed me, seeing your comments and all. May God continue to fulfill your needs and may he take you from one stage of glory to another. Nice looking out guys! (Enough of emotional stuff oh! I wonder how many times I have to pull the plug on that)

Perfection

Perfection is phenomenon all humans strive for but for most times, it always seems out of reach. This does not mean perfection is unattainable, what it does mean is that the price for the attainment of perfection is too high for most humans to reach. Call the road to attaining perfection ‘chasing a horizon’. Technically speaking its something we all aspire to get but can’t really get (at least not in this life) so it shouldn’t come as a surprise to most people when they see or hear dirty news about seemingly moral and upright personalities. Who would have taught a loveable person like Owen Wilson could even think of attempting suicide or the Queen mother’s kleptomanic fetish or that a guy seen singing praises in church today could be a heroine addict. The truth is, nobody is perfect and so we should do ourselves the personal favor of not always expecting too much from our fellow humans because they are as fallible and susceptible to changes as we are.

A popular writer once said ‘Do not expect people to behave the way you want them to because you also don’t behave the way you want yourself to’

I guess if we all understand this succinct reality then we would all learn to

1) Take human disappointments in our stride

2) Not be too harsh on ourselves when we fall beneath our own expectations

3) Learn to forgive those who have wronged us

4) Be less judgmental of people in certain situations

5) Be more understanding of the people around us

6) Learn to be patient with people as well as with ourselves

7) Be more objective in our judgments (put yourself in peoples shoes)

8) Learn to be sympathetic to peoples plight (you might not fair so well if the same thing happens to your black ass)

9) Learn to have more faith in our fellow humanity (contradictory but true)

I never even start the main post, I don they yarn like person wey wan build church. But on a serious note make una think am sha, I just think say e go for good if I give una this voodoo make im no be say na so so laff una dey come laff when una visitation my blog. Ok! To the tori of the day.

Bloggers, I bet you all know the way we always look at our parents like saints, role models, mentors and the lot. The truth is, they actually are all this stuff but sometimes they kind of over exaggerate the picture they paint of themselves. One common example is.

Mr Uchiha- Sasuke where is your result?

Sasuke- Here Dad! (Placing the result in his hands)

Mr Uchiha- WHATTTT!!! What the hell is this?

Sasuke- my result Daddy!

Mr.Uchiha- Don’t be stupid! of course I know what the hell it is! C5 in simple English! That’s unacceptable. When I was in school, I was the most brilliant student in the whole school. I used to get all A’s. Go and ask your mother.

Sasuke- But dad, you once told me that you got knocked in the head by your teacher when he asked you what an aeroplane was and you said it was that ‘thing that made voo-voo-voo in the sky’.

Mr. Uchiha- Shaaaarrrrap!!! Must you remember everything I tell you? Now go to your room.

Honestly sometimes I don’t know why our parents bobo us in believing they are an epitome of perfection when in reality they are sometimes just as confused as we are. My friend Baba B also witnessed something similar with his dad. Baba B’s dad had a strong moral principle against drinking alcohol. He would go:

Baba B’s Dad- My son, alcohol is not good, it is a sign of gross irresponsibility and is a habit that should not be associated with any decent individual. As a matter of fact I was the only one among my peers who never drank and that’s why I was able to marry a beautiful woman such as your mother….bla…bla..bla.

Baba b initially swallowed the story hook line and sinker during his adolescent years. He however decided to move on to the dark side shortly after he got into the university. It was a baptism of alcohol; he virtually had tried his hands on everything ranging from spirits to beer. By the close of the semester he was already a steady and adventurous drinker.

During the long holiday he decided to clean up his dad’s room only to stumble on a brand of the intoxicant stashed away in a coded corner of the room. Baba B was Shocked to his wits ‘so this man fit dey code this kind inspiration for here abi! No wahala we go see who sabi code pass’.

Baba B soon started having a coded field day with the alcohol; he would drink from the bottle and return the drink back to the same spot. But little did he know that cat wey keep fish for corner know the quantity wey im keep there. Baba B’s dad somehow discovered that someone had been pilfering from his stash and decided to raise hell.

Baba B’s Dad- Baba B! Baba B! Baba B!

Baba B- Siiirrrrrrr!!!

Baba B’s Dad- Come here! (Swelling profusely)

Baba B- Yes dad

Baba B’s Dad- (Notice the word in italics) Who took ‘the thing’ in my room?

Baba B- Daddy I didn’t take anything from your room.

Baba B’s Dad- You, your mother and I are the only people in this house and I know it definitely isn’t your mother. So Baba B who took ‘that thing’ in my room?

Baba B- What thing daddy?( chei this man hard oh! so im no even fit call the name of the thing wey im leave for room)

Baba B’s Dad- My Friend don’t answer a question with a question, I say WHO TOOK OUT OF THAT THING I KEPT IN MY ROOM!?

Baba B’s mom enters the house to meet the raucous and goes on to inquire the source of the problem

Baba B’s Mom- What is all this noise I am hearing?

Baba B’s Dad- Somebody entered my room and took ‘something’ and I am trying to find who that person is.

Baba B’s Mom- Baba B, did you take anything from your dads room?

Baba B-No ma I didn’t ( Sho! this man harsh oh! well make we dey code dey go)

Baba B’s mom- By the way what is missing maybe I took it by mistake and….

Baba B’s Dad-(Kai! this pikin go pour sand-sand for my garri if i no quick settle this matter) DON”T PLAY ON MY INTELLIGENCE WOMAN!!! What is your business with what is missing? I am telling you Somebody took something in my room and you are here asking me questions…..in short….I don’t have time for this...(Incinerating Baba B with his eyes before Slamming his room door shut)

Baba B’s mom- What is your daddy looking for that he almost wants to break down the house

Baba B- (See problem oh! wetin go make popsie no fit mention wetin im dey find, she na me go come get two head talk am? mumsi no vex oh but) I don’t know oh!

Apparently, Baba B’s Dad had been hiding his drinking fetish from his wife as she would have torn the whole house apart if she had the slightest inclining that the two men under her roof were alcohol patrons. So I guess at the end of the day both men did a good job of keeping the identity of their little something under wraps. Now the thing be say papa done know say pikin don catch im lie-lie and pikin done know say papa done sabi say im dey guzzle. As dem they talk for Benin, “a guy cannot guy a guyman’ so therefore let the 007 continue.

I done go Ibadan for the weekend be that so all my people I wan make una maintain like a plantain on the mountain to sustain enough protein to Spain. Cheers.

Your Boy Sasuke.

BUFFDAY BOY

2008-02-25T07:30:00.001-08:00

Sup peoples i wasn't planning to do a post on this day but i guess mommy and a couple of others got through to me. well what can i say,( i am even blushing, feeling like a ten year old) anyways first and foremost i want to thank God almighty for making this day possible and wonderful, a great family who have supported me through different stages of life, my friends and my blogging family. i love you all( i don talk say i no go dey do emotional posts oh! water don dey commot for my eyes...it must not fall..sobbing.....i have to be a man..sob) thanks for the numerous support guys you all are the next thing to better..... Make i come go crrryyyy noooooowwwwww......

its your boy Sasuke

EMMA AND I (CONTD)

2008-02-21T01:36:00.000-08:00

My sister had to take one look at my face to know that my black ass had just been given the boots. She immediately started laughing and apologizing instantly.

Big Sis- Ha, Ha, Ha, Ho, Ho, Ha….men Sasuke sorry about that but you look like someone that has just eaten 12 cans of Shark Shit…. So what happened?

Sasuke-She blew me off, that’s what happened. (looking rejected as i walked to my room).

I felt my heart shredding and it hurt really bad, the pain is actually indescribable. It’s almost like you are having an Asthma attack with no Asthma symptoms or feeling a very heavy weight on your chest or having a thousand daggers pierce through your heart. Whichever, the pain was overwhelming as I have never felt such horrendous agony. Nothing seemed to ease the pain. Literarily, I was fucked! with a capital F.

I remember going through the coming weeks and months like a zombie. I listened to hard rap artist like DMX, Bone Thugs, Wu Tang and the lot to nullify the pain ( Neyo know wetin im they talk when im sing so sick). Emma didn’t help issues herself. She avoided me the way day avoids night (somebody screw me sideways!!). It finally took the combined effort of Emma’s family friend Tasha and my Sisters boyfriend Mike to pull me out of the endless pit.

I was back to being myself again. It was the most refreshing feeling I had experienced in a long while and was I relishing it to the fullest. My game stepped up and I scored a couple of girls but something very strange happened along the way that I can’t really explain. Tasha and I started getting involved ( Tasha happens to be Emma’s family friend and what makes matters worse is that the even live under the same roof) but I was past caring somehow simply because;

1) I didn’t give a toss

2) Tasha was a wild and adventurous child and whatever we had could not be described as serious lets just say we were “friends with benefits’

3) Emma had moved on and was in a relationship at that time (so i thought!!)

Tasha and I did a lot of crazy stuff. It almost seemed like we were going out, We where inseparable as we always hung out together. Call us bonnie and Clyde as we were always down for whatever. We would kiss on the corridors, smooch in class rooms and do all sort of raunchy stuff (but we never had sex). Tasha however had this habit of asking me to patch things up with Emma and that she thought I still liked Emma (Her reason for not wanting us to have sex). She would say things like

Tasha- Sasuke I see you and Emma coming back together.

Sasuke-Really! But I don’t. Just drop the subject Tasha (apparently Emma and were having cold war, so I wondered what the heckle jeckle she was talking about)

Tasha- Ok whatever you say.

To my amazement some weeks later I was chilling on the third floor watching from the balcony the activity of some folks when I felt someone tap me on the shoulder. Alas! It was Emma. God! She was the most beautiful thing had seen in a while and all I just wanted to do was hold her and tell her how much I had missed talking with her.

Emma- Sasuke hi! Could you spare me some of your time

Sasuke- Sure! Why not? (IL’d spare you the whole day if you want)

Emma- Sasuke I honestly don’t know where and how to start

Sasuke-Ok! the most relevant (my heart was racing like a jet)

Emma- the truth is I know things have been a little bit rough between us lately and it’s basically because of me.

Sasuke-no Emma don’t say that (of course it’s because of you. yeye fine girl, you wey wan make me suffer heart epilepsy at my young age)

Emma- Sasuke, I am really sorry and I wish I could take everything back. I was not being fair with you and that’s because I had some certain issues so I guess your proposal just caught me unawares but I certainly didn’t mean to do you like that. You are a really nice guy Sasuke and I would really love for us to continue from where we stopped.

I was silent taking everything in slowly. My thoughts were flying uncontrollably and I knew all I had to do was answer in the affirmative but its funny how you set your mind to do something and your mouth seems to do the complete opposite (call me Clark Kent). I opened my mouth and you would not believe the words that came out of my big mouth (Damn the Devil to Hell!!!)

Sasuke- I am sorry Emma but I can’t be with you like that. whatever happened between us should be kept in the past but i am very cool with you though, plus its really going to take alot of work to knock you off my favorite girl list. (honestly I don’t know why I said those words maybe it was fear, pride, a certain satisfaction of hurting her back, wanting her so much, anger, resentment, love I don’t know what the fuck it was but I clearly blew my chance of hooking up with my main squeeze and the look on her face was one I can never forget.

Emma- I understand Sasuke so i guess that makes us friends?

Sasuke- (I sure wasn’t going to lose her on this grounds) yeah, sure why not!

Emma- guess I would be seeing you around then?

Sasuke-Yeah

Emma- bye

Sasuke- bye

I watched her take the connecting flight of stairs leading to the exit. I could not believe what I just did and I sure hoped It wont come back to hunt me in any way (so for all ya'll who wanna know if i kissed Emma! guess you have already gotten your answer in block letters, it hurts to admit we didn't but for my dreams sha many, many times). Luckily it didn’t. Emma and I are still good friends till date.

Bloggers You wouldn’t know how happy I am to have finished this post (its making me look soft you know!). Now its time for more funny and hilarious stuff or what do you think?

Your Boy Sasuke

EMMA AND I " Never should have called"

2008-02-11T04:13:00.000-08:00

I first laid eyes on Emma in my form 2 (JSS2) she immediately knocked the sparkle out of me. She looked like something out of a high school movie. Boy! Was I ready to be her Steve Urkel She was the most beautiful thing I had set my adolescent eyes on, Emma had this adorable sweet face with a little yet very kissable mouth. It almost seemed like roses and daises were grown around her as she wore this alluring scent plus she had pearly eyes that seemed to sparkle every time she blinked. I must say in my world of fantasies she was my Penelope and I her Odysseus.

With my introduction, I bet you’d be thinking Emma and I hit it off almost immediately; Well sorry to burst your bubbles but things didn’t go exactly like that. You see, Emma and I were more like Clark Kent and Louise Lane, she simple hated every iota of gut I had and made it clear that she didn’t want to have anything to do with me (did I forget to say that she almost got my ass whooped by the form teacher just because I told her I loved her). Honestly I do not know what I must have done to warrant such spite but it was clear to me that all my feelings and affections for Emma were to be bottled and thrown to sea if I was at least to gain some semblance of sanity. So, I had to bid my time in the dark waiting for the right moment to launch a new strategy to get my golden fleece.

Emma and I finally started talking in our form four, how and when it happened I can’t remember but all I know is that things started heating up between us big time, we started hanging out together, talking, hugging and basically doing everything together (apart from kissing and sex of course) you see, what I had for Emma was pure and unadulterated as far as I was concerned things were exactly the way they were supposed to be. There was no disputing the fact that we both knew we might soon be leaving the comfort zone of friendship for something deeper, it was only just a matter of time.

Emma’s name and face was not a stranger in my house as my siblings had taken an obvious liking to her and sometimes even used to tease me about her

Big sis- Sasuke, when are you going to ask out Emma?

Sasuke- men sis I don’t know oh! kinda thinking about doing it though

Big sis- Sasuke you have to know what you want and go for it despite the risks, you can’t always stay in your comfort zone and you are a man oh! Most girls don’t like shy boys.

Sasuke- men sis I wish it was that easy. We even promised to hook up at Leo’s party. I do hope I don’t freeze up.

Big sis- ok Sasuke ild give you a heads up but you have to pop the question yourself

Sasuke –how do you plan to do that?

Big sis – just leave that to me, a girl always has her way you know! But if it’s anything much of a consolation I think Emma likes you.

Sasuke- thanks sis

Leo’s party was banging and having Emma around also gave it an extra bang though she came late. I had a nice time dancing and laughing to the different tunes with Emma. I was not able to see the party to its end as my sis had arrived to pick me up. Just as I was entering the car I heard my sister call out to Emma

Big sis- Emma!

Emma- yes !

Big sis- how are you doing?

Emma- fine thank you

Big sis- hope you don’t mind giving the ladies a little privacy Sasuke. Emma and I have some catching up to do.

I humbly obliged their request and made for the other end of the car park.

Big Sis- Sasuke you can come now!

I gave Emma a goodnight hug and made my way back into the car. Shortly after that, my sis and I were homeward bound

Sasuke- sis what did you say?

Big sis- curiosity killed the cat my dear, be patient ild fill you in

Sasuke- come on sis you are killing me! What did you tell Emma?

Big sis- ok, ok, I told her exactly how you feel about her and how great I think you guys would be together

Sasuke- Have I ever told you how much I love you sis?

Big sis- No bro you haven’t, but hearing it for the first time would be a kick ass

Sasuke- I LOVE YOU SIS (pecking her on the chic in the process)

Big sis- anything for you kiddo so I guess all you have to do is pop the question.

I was so ecstatic that I couldn’t even sleep as all I had in mind was Emma. All I had in mind was popping the million dollar question to my Athena. The D-day came as supposed and I was in the parlor filling my sister with my candy thoughts of Emma when she suggested I call Emma up and handle my business. That idea seemed like the best at that instance but if I had taken my time to look at the time properly I probably would not have gone with that idea but I guess what matters now is that I did go with the idea and was bound to live with the consequences for most of my teenage years. (It was 7am for Christ sakes, talking about teenage oops). I punched in Emma’s digit and it was answered by Emma at the other end (the poor girl had practically been woken by my call and was even still yawning)

Sasuke- hi Emma, how are you doing

Emma- I am doing great Sasuke.

Sasuke- what time did you leave Leo’s party? Yawning like a lion into the mouth piece)

Emma- (laughing) don’t mind me jare I left shortly after you did

Sasuke- ok Emma there is something I want to ask you?

Emma- Sure Sasuke shoot!

Sasuke- Emma, you know I like you a lot? It’s been something I have been meaning to tell you for a while now

Emma- Yeah! Sasuke I know you do

Sasuke- Emma……… I was kind of wondering if you and I could go steady ( lesson number 1 folks Don’t sorry I mean never even if your life depended on it ask a girl out on phone. trust me it hardly turns out right ‘wish I had been told this earlier’) there was silence, for once in my life I actually forgot how to breathe

Sasuke- Emma, are you there?

Emma- No… I mean yes…..No I mean No

Sasuke-Which of the questions are you answering Emma because you have me all confused (and that’s when she said it, it took me a couple of months to function after hearing these words)

Emma- sorry Sasuke I can’t date you, you are like a brother to me

Sasuke- (I screamed in my sub conscious WHAAAAAT!!! Which kin brother be dat, I am here dying of an impending heartbreak and you say I am like a brother to you!) Ok Emma I am sorry I took your time lets just pretend this never happened ok?

Emma-ok

Sasuke- you’d always be my favorite girl you know that don’t you?

Emma-Yes I do

Sasuke- bye

Emma –bye

(Talk about being rejected and having your heart broken on the same day and in the same time space. Yeah! it hurt like a bitch; the line was still alive at the other end for a couple of seconds after which I heard the sound of the inevitable)

Click!!!!

I DIED

Watch out for the concluding story.

ME AND MY BIG MOUTH, -“THIS REMOTE DONE FUUUCK ME UP!!!!!!”

2008-01-31T03:02:00.000-08:00

Emma rushes frantically to the Form Masters desk with Sasuke hot on her heels

Emma- ‘Excuse me Sir; I want to report Sasuke to you’

Form Teacher- Yes! What is the problem?

(At this juncture my mind is racing like a ram waiting to be slaughtered. “Chei this babe wan summarize me for this wicked teacher’)

Emma- ‘Sir, Sasuke came to my desk and told me he loves me’

Form Master- (already stretching for his cane) Sasuke! Is that true?

Sasuke- (Na die I dey today which kind parus be dis one?) No Sir, I mean Yes Sir, Ehm…. I was actually preaching to her Sir,

Form Master - ‘You were preaching!’

Sasuke- Yes Sir! I was actually trying to tell her that I love her the way Christ asked us to love our neighbors before she ran out on me.

Form Master- Ehn! Ehn! I see! (Emma was shooting flames at me through her eyes. But wetin I for do now! I was a JSS1 boy telling my classmate what most adults were even scared to say. I gast lie now, if not that wicked form master for peel my yansh)

Form Master- Sasuke I don’t want to see or hear you disturb this young lady again. Do you understand me?

Sasuke- Yes Sir!

Men bloggers, what you just experienced above was my first crush (who wanted to have nothing to do with me for no obvious reasons) reporting my black ass to the form teacher (tough love I guess!) you would not believe me if I told you that Emma and I did not have a meaningful conversation or relationship till we both found ourselves in the same class in SS1 (that was four years after). NOW THE STORY BEGINS!!!

Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!

Sasuke- who be that person wey they call me now! Which kin……. (Men the sentence hook mid way when I discovered it was Emma and did I forget to mention that she is of dual nationality “half caste”)

Emma- Sasuke! I have been trying to get your attention for a while now.

Sasuke- Hi! Emma sorry I didn’t hear you (my heart was pounding like yam in a mortar)

Emma- Sasuke please did you bring the cartoon? You promised you’d bring it today

Sasuke- Crap! I forgot (me and my big head, how I go forget that kin thing? Shit!)

Emma- ‘its ok, you could bring it to my place if you are not doing anything tomorrow’

Sasuke- Yeah! Emma tomorrow would be fine by me (OPE’ OH! Talking about hitting jackpot, cinching!!!)

Emma- here is my address. See you tomorrow then. Bye

Sasuke- Bye….. (EWWWUUUUU!!…… my own done better, Ehn! for this town, them they crase, who say im no go beta 4 me the thing no go beta for am) I was in pure ecstasy; Emma had just made my whole year. I remember getting home and really putting a show for my sister

Sasuke- ‘men sis, Emma asked me to come to her place tomorrow.

Big Sis- REALLY!!! Good for you oh! Sha don’t disappoint me.

When I woke up the next day I noticed there was something different about the whole atmosphere (Na so so Scent, scent, scent the whole place just they scent). God had definitely made this day for me.

I got to Emma’s house feeling real fly as i punched the door bell

Life saver- WHO IS THERE!!! (You would soon know why I chose to call this person life saver. And life saver just happens to be Emma’s cousin)

Sasuke- Life saver it’s Sasuke. Is Emma at home?

Life Saver- ‘I am coming jare!

Life saver- Hello Sasuke! How are you doing? Emma is upstairs by the way.

Sasuke- Thanks man, I am doing great by the way. (I make my way up the stairs to the parlor and there she is watching T.V)

Emma- Hi Sasuke! (She even gives me a hug, can you imagine!) How are you doing?

Sasuke – Fine thank you Emma. (She offers me some refreshments and we even engage in some small talk. After talking for some time we decide to focus on the movie showing on the Hallmark channel (DSTV) ‘Men! Was it boring” I couldn’t stand the boring channel again and decided to suggest another channel. Little did I know I was about to make one of the greatest mistakes of my life.

Sasuke-‘Emma! Sorry to disturb you, but do you mind changing the channel please’ (Bloggers, I no go lie una I regret the repercussion of that honest request)

Emma- Sure! (Passing me the remote control)

As the remote land my hand like this na im katakata burst oh! First and foremost the coloration, structurization and configurization of the remote first destabilize my central processing unit (CHEI!! THIS REMOTE DONE FUCK ME UP!!!). I was confused and the origin of the confusion was stemming from the fact that we didn’t have a DSTV in my house at that time.

Bloggers, come and see me looking and sweating like a rat that just ate poison, (NA DIE I DEY! I wan just expose my bushness for this babe!) I held that DSTV remote for 2mins but it seemed like an hour (I no wan go press one button make the thing come go explode, which kind wahala be this?).

Just as I was about passing out from the embarrassment, God sent me an angel

Life saver- Emma you and this Hallmark channel don’t you get tired of it? Please I want to watch something else (I quickly offered him the remote)

My people na so God take save me oh! But whenever I dey watch T.V for house and I see that remote I can’t help but remember when the useless thing almost made me shit on myself……Tekinology

SASUKE

OH SHIT! HE DIDN"T (POPSIE!!!!!!!)

2008-01-28T06:17:00.000-08:00

Club Bouncer- Look! Everybody move back, move back. Hey you I say move!

(Four good looking guys in company of a couple of girls make their way towards the entrance of the club only to be halted by the angry looking bouncer)

Club Bouncer- Yes! Obasanjo’s children can I see your I.V’s, if you don’t have it bounce because no time today.

(By the look on the guys’ faces it’s clear to the overzealous bouncer that they are apparently not with their i.v’s)

Club Bouncer –Ok! Oshofree no time for here make una they waka abeg, Next!

(one of the boys sensing the tension whips out his communicator punches in a set of numbers and starts to converse with an unknown person slowing making his way back to the car)

Sharp Boy- Belucci how far it’s Ayo speaking we are at club dydx……Serious! I thought as much…. Ok would be there in a few. (Turning to his Friends) Sorry about that guys I think we got the wrong club. Just called a friend and was able to get the correct venue.

They later hit the alleged correct venue and had a very nice time (if only the girls knew that the placed phone call was to nobody in particular but was done to save the guys the embarrassment of being bounced)

Now, that creative embarrassment averter is what I call a buzzer beater. Some people like my cousin (Ayo) are very good at managing seemingly embarrassing situations while others like (yours truly) just bow their heads and pray for the floor to open up and swallow them. I have been in quite a number of embarrassing situations but none as embarrassing as that which I want to tell you.

It so happened that I had my secondary education in a school owned by my Dad. Lucky! I honestly don’t think so; you see, I have a father who likes giving examples with his children (positive or negative)

Mr. Brown- Can you imagine! Mr. Sasuke, they caught my child sneaking out of school yesterday

Mr. Uchiha- Oh! Yours was sneaking out; they caught my child Sasuke banging a girl on the school Roof. ROOOOOOF! Mr. Brown, can you imagine, who bangs on the school roof for christ sakes?

Mr. Brown- Sorry Sir I can’t imagine I think I should take my leave now.

Yes, that’s my Dad! (Roof) Whenever, wherever (reminds you of Shakira abi?) he just lets it go without giving the slightest caution.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my Dad he’s seen me through it all, the highs, lows, pain, regrets, disappointment, joy, laughter, success and what’s the last one again Ah! EMBARRASSMENT.Ok Peep this

It was my final year as a senior and we just resumed a term can’t remember which, SS3 men that was the shit because you had it all power, authority, immunity and the babes in both junior and senior school. I wasn’t a prefect or shit but men was I the SHIIIIIITT with another capital T (Psyches aside, I was in high demand, my Folks had endowed me with their good genes and all).

Anyhoos, it was a very beautiful Friday morning and the bell signaling every student to assemble had just been rung, I was dressed in a neat plain white long sleeve shirt with matching blue pants, I could even see a mirror of myself in my shoes (was I or was I looking good). I made my way majestically towards the assembly ground waving at a few fans (chic’s! I had plenty) as I basked in my own royalty.

Praise and worship went on as usual, then the school and national anthems respectively, a few law breakers were brought to book, announcements were taken and just as the principal was about to round up proceedings a message came telling him that the proprietor (Daddy) would be coming around to give a brief Charge.

The Proprietor (daddy) made his way up the fight of stairs to the elevation above. I could hear the murmuring of students as they all stole glances at me to see if I was blushing (of course I was, e easy to be celebrity?) little did I know that I would soon be wishing I had stabbed assembly (damn the devil to hell!!!)

The proprietor cleared his voice and began his speech

Proprietor- I want to welcome all students back from the long holidays, hope you all had a wonderful break?

Students- YES we did (the students replied)

Proprietor- Good, as you can see, changes have been made to your environment to ensure that you have the best in your academic pursuit. We have a new basketball court, renovated the hostels, classrooms and………hmmm that reminds me, (Time bomb counting from 10 secs). I see that you students have not been using the convenience at your disposal optimally. Most of these places have experienced an annoying degree of blockages arising from improper use of toiletries; some students even go as far as using Paper to clean up, this is grossly unacceptable (Time bomb detonating at 5 Secs). In short if I had my way I would ban even the use of tissue. Students should learn to use just water to clean up as it is even more hygienic, that is you get to wash the place well. As a matter of fact in my house :( Timer out….. BLAM….GBOSA….BOOOSSH) Where is Sasuke, Sasuke!

(At this juncture I was comatose, A vegetable, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me as I feared the inevitable. All I could mutter to my self were these words: “OH SHIT, HE DIDN’t”)

Proprietor- WHERE IS MY SON SASUKE!!!!

Sasuke- I am here sir (feebly)

Proprietor- Sasuke! Do we use toiletries at home; is it not those empty bottles of Eva water kept beside our Water closet we use to clean up?

(An SS3 student for Christ sake’s! I could visibly see my reputation thin out, and I still had to answer the darn question)

Sasuke- Yes sir

Proprietor- LOUDER I CAN’T HEAR YOU

Sasuke- (looking like someone who had been caught with his hands down his pants) YES SIIIIIIIRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

For the next few weeks my social life was next to zero, I was the laughing stock of both my peers and juniors… What can I say despite that humongous embarrassment I still love my Dad.

Watch out for my next story in this series

Sasuke

English Palava alias GBAGAWN!!!

2008-01-24T07:15:00.000-08:00

Men this English way we they speak no be small thing oh! in short the person way make am im Papa or as my Friend go talk am im ancestors.(Translation) The English that we speaks it is not a small thing oh in short the person that makes it his or her Papa or as my friend go talks his or her ancestors. i once had a teacher who said that his own excuse for shelling is because English is actually not his fathers tongue ( what sensible nonsense!) according to the English speaking act of decree 1 sub section 900 under act Thou shall not Ta' Bon (Translation) Thou shall not shoot or speak what is not is, is not was, and is not meant to be. Se fini! ( i never see inside court before talk less of going to law school na trips sha) anyways there is actually a fundamental problem we all face when we speak this lingua franca of ours and that is the problem of shooting or being shot at, which my friends, is very embarrassing. Trust me i have heard it, been there, seen it but never done it ( As a bad guy now i was born with a dictionary). My story takes us back to my secondary school days S.S. ( senior secondary School) fortunately and unfortunately i schooled in an environment with great Pidgin, vernacular and broken English affluence( they even had to break the English imagine!). i introduce you to the great an Ancient city of Benin the first place where people iron pomo or cow hyde straight ( is that what they call it in english? cos you know now pomo is pomo) well i won't deny speaking in fluent English was a major problem then so most folks had to break it down to minute chewable and free flowing sizes so the common man could speak(if you know what i mean).it was even so bad that our then custodians the teachers didn't help matters you would hear such statements as
Teacher- Hey boy i am calling you and you are looking unto the up, common! look unto the down
or
Teacher- That boy run go and run come back

once in a while you had those teachers that wanted to prove their fluency and proficiency actually they were the ones that made the most blunders. in a physics practical class we were having practicals trying to evaluate the role of sound and the apparatus we were using was the tuning fork. my friends and i couldn't seem to get the teachers instruction as to how to manipulate the tool. the man on seeing our backwardness came charging towards us panting, grab the tuning fork,gave it a pull, held the fork to our ears and blurted
Teacher- CAN YOU PERCEIVE THE SOUND!
Physics class was officially over as we laughed so hard he angrily left the class and forever held his peace (as Fluent English was concerned).

Enough of teacher fuck-ups our roles as students in murdering grammar is even more commendable.
one sunny afternoon i decided to join my friends in a little pick up game of soccer, while on the pitch we all decided to (pls note the word) JUGGLE ( pidgin translation is RAISE) the ball and so we took turns i went first did about twenty to thirty kicks, the second person did about the same, the third, the fourth...i grew a little impatience seeing the number of people to juggle before it got to my turn so i decided to pull a fast one by causing a little diversion. i picked the ball and had already started juggling when i felt someone shove me from behind and scream
Clement- Don't allow Sasuke he has already ROSE the ball!
YEEEPARRIPA na die i dey ( as you all no that was 20 minutes of our precious playing time taking by violent laughter).

i once had a simple disagreement with my close friend little did i know that i'ld soon be rolling on all Fours.
Sasuke- we can beat Brazil on a good day after all we also have good quality players in the national team
Owen- how we can never beat Brazil even if they are sleeping they would still beat us crazy
Sasuke-Owen why are you being (note the word to follow) PESSIMISTIC ( little did i no i had done terrible injustice to my friend. EW! so Sorry)
without even settling down to think the appropriate response as you know silence could sometimes be good at situations like this but Owen being the person that he is just had to give me an answer to my supposed rhetoric.
Owen- yes Sasuke i know, i know i am a PEST so you can say what you want to say.
i was practically shedding tears, this pikin no go kill me wetin pessimism gast do with pest? i tire oh.

you know i could go on and on about my travails with this English language but as my hand done they pain me i go continue the gist another day. So, Monday help me tell Tuesday say Wednesday say im go block Thursday for Friday side on Friday for that party on Saturday wey Sunday dey arrange... PHEWWW!! how Fluent was that ! Pidgin simple abeg. see you soon
Yours Sasuke

Who Farted! Sorry who Mess?

2008-01-24T02:29:00.000-08:00

Men its so crazy how naive one could be while growing, one seems to be oblivious to the most glaring things. when i look back at those times i can't help but tap my self on the head an say to myself " boy were you daft! gbrrrrrrrr... i cant imagine that once in my life i thought the only benefit of having females around was to pummel them back and forth in a show of male dominance ( i thank my sister for knocking that painfully out of my system) anyways, there was this particular incident that happened when i was in J.S.S2 ( puberty was the order as at then making me know a little next to nothing about the female psyche) .It was lunch break in school and i had just finished my snack and then decided to go chat up a busty babe with a friend of mine called Kelly ( Don't be surprised, back then the Girls were budding grrreeeeaat).
Sasuke- Kelly quick chop abeg make we go follow Cynthia yarn
(stuffing the last morsel of food down his throat he grunts)
Kelly- make we go,she suppose drop small current for boys
(imagine our thinking then, how old where we? we made our way up the flight of stairs heading straight into the class room. with our prey in sight we were Locked,cocked and ready)
Sasuke- sup Cynthia how are you doing(Staring at her face temporary before lowering it down to the goods)
Cynthia- Sasuke, Kelly how are you doing( taping the empty seat beside her)
Kelly and i immediately rushed at the invitation.i was however able to ass wrestle him into picking the seat behind thus taking my spot beside the budding, sorry budded juggernauts
Sasuke- Cynthia can i take a look at your Intro tech note book? (placing my elbows in an advantageous position ,if you grab my drift.)
Cynthia checks her bag and pulls the note out, placing the book between us as she puts her arms behind my chair for her convenience i guess!
i done jam jackpot oh! my elbows are doing over drive now Kelly is frustrated all of a sudden there is this pungent, shattering, gut wrenching, sinuses tickling aroma that perforates the air around us, immediately Cynthia excuses herself immediately she walks out the class room i spin towards Kelly
Sasuke-Kelly why you mess
Kelly- You dey Crase na you mess monkey
Sasuke-Kelly no even think say make you hold am see am you done pursue the girl now
Kelly- Sasuke i no mess oh!
Sasuke -me i no mess too but Kelly you sure?
Kelly- Haba how i go mess no be me
Sasuke -So Kelly if you no mess and i no mess then who come mess?
(oh boy na the very question wey Jam set for their 1996 English paper be that.)
Cynthia walks in looking unruffled and the elbow services continued from the last termination point. the annoying thing about the incidence was that i took a while before Kelly was able to convince me and i him dat we were both victims. in conclusion i would like my fellow bloggers to please help me out of this dilemma by providing an answer to that jam question above.
Yours Sasuke

Just Broken My Nuts

2008-01-23T00:39:00.000-08:00

Oh my God! Oh my God! They done let me out, They done call my name, They done read the Four chapters, now am back,B city, i've broken my nut again, Master Hit the switch-Bloggers he's alive
so so for the malpractice intro(a classic if you ask me) well all you Blog lovers its your Boy Sasuke in the building.... Back for the first time, just trying to test the waters see how conducive it feels actually i just joined this synergy through the recommendation of a good friend so hopefully i guess it would be one hell of a ride....i am all about the fun anyways and much of an iconoclast so if you've got it bring it! if you haven't then guess il'd be bringing it 2 u.. e sha mo. Seriously now i do hope all visitors enjoy the necessary satisfaction from my blog, trust me never a dull moment. so all motors running as you get to take a journey through The Labyrinth and also get to see stuff experience things through my minds eyes.
Sasuke